BLACK (THE FINANCIAL STRUGGLE)

MONEY IS POWER: IT IS SEXY & SEX IS GOOD, NECESSARY AND CAN BECOME A BURDEN. The giving, taking, and receiving of money, like many other strange and seemingly unnatural habits, can become a strong fetish. It is symbolic and concrete. It is all things to all kinds of people. Hence I am writing about my financial dominance or lack thereof.

Buju Banton sang about such plight in one of his popular songs and mentions how poor people are spending a dime while earning a nickel. This concept is alive and well and I can’t help but to wonder if this is because of my skin colour? Don’t get me wrong, I am aware that struggles are exactly what are needed in life. If I was to go through life without any obstacles, it would cripple me. I wouldn’t be as strong as I could have been and I could never fly. I shouldn’t feel depress and upset when faced with an obstacle, a challenge or a problem…I HAVE TO STRUGGLE A LITTLE – THEN FLY! But until such time I wonder why I have these obstacles as oppose to something else? Why do the same struggles that beseech me affect so many others?

Coming from a race of persons that had their lives controlled by a MAN with a whip, how did we end up still fighting the poverty fight? How is that before you meet a BLACK MAN that has financial stability, you come across one that has to fight and pretty much claw his way through life to get by? Why does this type of slavery exist? Why do employers steal labor rather than pay for it? I don’t understand some days and it is as if we all are born from the DEVIL’S land. Why am I tricked with promises of a good job only to find that it isn’t? Our economy is set up so that the rich get rich and poor stay that way. I live in a country that is predominantly full of BLACK persons yet we are not set up for survival. How can we continue to live in a society that doesn’t value us as employees and pay us peanuts and expect us to work and get by? It’s as if this struggle stalks us and slowly kills us. I had an employer say to me that he pays the exact same thing I do when I go to the store; so me being who I am thought no, you have change when you leave the store I DON’T! 

I find that I don’t like watching the cash registers because it’s too painful to watch your money leave your wallet just for a handful of items. It’s like I am working to pay bills and the funny thing is that when you get a little extra, you realize you don’t because life has something to do with your money. It’s as if the deck is stacked high only getting bigger and bigger making me a SLAVE for life. I am as submissive as a child in captive that is being forcibly raped; losing control to a supreme power. Makes me feel as if I am living a life that’s filled with invisible pieces of puzzles and I am seeking the pieces to make things whole. These invisible puzzles are mechanisms hidden inside products and services I use, and the social/political systems I interact with. This puzzle refers to the deniable lines of function that are hidden inside the very fiber of the network in which I work. They are there to control me in very direct tangible ways while shedding off proof of its real purpose. They manipulate and I can’t prove this intent because the stated purpose makes the potentially manipulative purpose deniable. Despite this lack of proof, if you look at this puzzle, you will see how we are enslaved by them and how wealth is channeled to the very few. As Einstein once said, "The most important thing is to never stop questioning." And one thing I question is the base line that we tend to use to determine what is healthy, what is a normal life-span, what is the cost of living, what is a crook, what is justice, what is the correct way of life? AND ALL THESE THINGS MAKE ME ASK WHY AND THE ONLY ANSWER I CAN GET IS THAT I AM IN FINANCIAL SLAVERY BECAUSE SOME MONEY WHORE WANTS TO AMPLIFY, MAINTAIN CONTROL AND PROFITS…MAKE SENSE DON’T U THINK?

LITTLE BOY...BIG DISEASE

There is boy I know that has this predator deep inside of him, waiting to take over his life and devour him. He knows that his life is different yet he lives as if he doesn’t. Every time I turn around he has some new BOY FRIEND and there always seems to be some desperation for him to have some MAN in his life. I wish he would treat his soul better than he does. I know that the body is only temporary, but he acts as if it isn’t because he living his life through the flesh and not with his heart; however if one asks he would say that he is. From the moment I met him he always seemed sad and never smiled; seems as if his life was a black hole and it had an endless cycle that forced him to be sucked in over and over again. His trials and tribulations are exist because he needs to learn and his spirit need to grow. He is living his life blind trying to build self-esteem through his connection with others; never taking ownership of HIS soul. The crazy thing is that I can write about him because I know he was hit with HIV like the plane hitting the twin towers. I know he didn’t have a CHILDHOOD, but feel that’s no excuse to live as if he doesn’t have a future. One can have a real GOOD and PLEASANT life here on this planet living with this disease. All I ever hear from him is how he can’t help it if some guy wants to date him and how much he is love…YET AGAIN WITH ANOTHER GUY! You would think he would learn his after having more than one BOY FRIEND that has the disease. It’s like he is drawn to MEN that know of their HIV status, yet still they F&CK him as if they are ignorant of that fact. He knows that HE gives himself too easily in the name of LOVE only to be left hold the bag with nothing in it. How can I say I am his friend and I want what’s best for him if I ignore what he is doing to himself? How can I sit and watch him say he wants REAL LOVE and gets everything but that? How do I deal with a LITTLE BOY THAT HAS A BIG DISEASE?

THE ASS CONNECTION

Anal sex; an act that’s considered as a ‘CRIME AGAINST NATURE’ that is not accepted by everyone in society. Nonetheless GAY MEN indulge themselves in this very activity as frequently as possible. There is one MAN in particular who does it more often than others (I HAVE NO PROOF OF THIS) but I nonetheless can write as if I do. He is someone I know very well, someone that just can’t seem to make a HEART CONNECTION. He lives as if the only way anyone would pay him any attention to him is to make THE ASS CONNECTION.  He is sad and lonely, never finding the right fit for HIS life and cannot seem to make good of his YEARS on this planet. His choice is a THIN, TALL, BIG DICK THUG who just wants some ASS to fill. The funny thing about this is that he knows that these MEN are not good for him but what else is he to do? No one else is interested and this way he can say he was LOVED for however long HIS ASS IS CONNECTED TO THAT D!CK.  I find it sad that he would associate LOVE with F&CKING, how can he do that to himself? How can one allow this to become his LIFE? Moreover, how can he nothing to change it? Why does he make this his way of life; the central thing to who he is? I know he has a right to F&CK as many MEN as possible but @ what cause?  I say it is because MALE-TO-MALE sex is a stigmatized behavior and the demands he allows SEX to place on him has very little to do with pleasure, and too much to do with blindness where is life is concern. The problem with this GAY MAN is that he thinks his behavior is normal. What happened to the notion that when THE ASS CONNECTION is made, it’s for the JOY and LOVE two MEN have for each other? I feel that he took the ART away from the connection MEN make with each other. He lead this hum drum life, cruising the world for the next D!CK…DO YOU THINK HE KNOWS THAT HE HAS A PROBLEM IF HE HAS THIS OVERWHELMING NEED TO BE LOVED BUT GETS F&CKED BY EVERYTHING THAT MOVES? ONE DAY I HOPE HE KNOWS THAT THIS IS A COMBINATION THAT WILL NEVER WORK…UNTIL SUCH TIME I DIGRESS!

FAG BANGLES

Have any of you ever wondered about the dynamics of a relationship between a GAY MAN and his STRAIGHT FEMALE friend? If one stops and analyses that relationship; one would find that such a relationship is such a PERFECT model for how people in general should be there for one another. Gay men and straight women go together like salt and pepper, like Will and Grace; like the perfect wine that accompanies the perfect dinner. This relationship lends itself to sharing things on so many levels; bridging the gaps between the sexes. It’s sad to think that this is the only time MEN and WOMEN truly understand each other and do away with the ‘men are from Mars and women are Venus’ concept. Generally in this situation MEN and WOMEN see the TRUE the beauty in one another without it being a SEXUAL THING. Gay men get women; WE understand their needs better than a GIRLFRIEND because there's no one-upmanship, allowing them to be who they really are. They can have FUN with each other and do EVERYTHING together – shop, dish about MEN, give tips about SEX and most importantly WOMEN can gain insight into the mind of a MAN. A GAY MEN would screen dates — which ones were losers, which ones were keepers. Because of OUR knowledge of the inner workings of the male mind WE can indeed help a woman navigate the minefield of romantic relationships. Being MEN we can advise WOMEN that if you want a man in your life, you have to stop making men so important. Try making yourself more important and you'll attract a healthier man. Hence we can advise them to stop putting men on pedestals and let men be men. Stop trying to change them. And stop looking for that perfect man; if he exists WE would have him ourselves. WE like WOMEN use OUR very own INTUITION and have the keen insights into this because, while raised as MEN, WE have the added benefit of being more open with their feelings and more communicative because WE are HOMOSEXUALS. WE are OPEN because WE really know WOMEN and it’s more like a trust thing. As GAY MEN we are a very special person in their lives. We find ourselves playing the role of counselor and confidant and I feel that this is possible because of the GAY FACTOR. As a fellow GAY MAN, I know that WOMEN want HONESTY and can appreciate the lack of personal comparisons which she comes along with her GIRLFRIENDS. There is no 'Is she skinnier than me? Is she prettier than me? Is she smarter than me?' This creates problems and if you get too many girls together and it turns into one big drama fest. WE tend to focus on the real things that matters. As a rule, WE GAY MEN can get much deeper and are less superficial in this regard. OUR SEXUAL ORIENTATION makes a BIG difference, hence making us a NATURAL fit. WE are neutral and don't pose a threat, we have the same interests in that we're both attracted to men and WE are not seen as competition. OUR relationship is appreciated because WE GAY MEN have a sort of HYBRID BRAIN that enables US to become such close confidants to straight women. The COMING-OUT process is such an emotional and psychological wringer that revealing other things about OURSELVES seems like less of a big deal. I FEEL THAT IN THE REAL WORLD THIS KIND OF RELATIONSHIP LENDS ITSELF TO ANOTHER KIND OF SOUL MATE; A SEXLESS SOUL MATE. HERE WE HAVE TWO PERSONS THAT VIEW EACH OTHER AS PEOPLE AND NOT OBJECTS.

A TRIBE ALL MY OWN...

I am on LIFE’S journey to find A TRIBE ALL MY OWN. Bound to this strong need to establish a unique persona, this HUMAN need to accepted and appreciated is for the sole purpose of solidifying MY individual identity. Within this tribe, I seek members who accept ME without reservation and gladly accompany ME on MY journey of evolution. I want to feel free to be MY IMPERFECT SELF, to engage unabashedly in LIFE and to express MY vulnerabilities by relying on MY tribe for support. I want to feel comfortable investing MY time and energy in the members of MY tribe and I want them to feel EQUALLY comfortable to do the same. I know that the individuals who would eventually become members of MY tribe are out there; I am destined to find them, one by one as I move through LIFE. I can see US now bouncing along; light spirit and free from worry. Swimming in shallow water, riding near LIFE’s shore…OUR heads leaning towards the horizon…But for now all I can do is spy @ the island that I desperately seek; I just drift to and fro. The trees are luscious and green and I know that WE would be so happy in this paradise. The water is so blue and the sun shines so givingly making me hungry with anticipation because this is what my heart yearns for…For now I feel as if I living on the outside of MY existing tribe and MY absence goes unnoticed; never being missed @ all. I wish I could stay if only for a moment but my HEART won’t allow me to do so, how can I blame it for that? It knows I am NOT happy, it knows that I am NOT free and it knows that I am NOT…I have that ALL FOR ONE AND ONE FOR ALL mentality and I know however my life develops when I come together with MY tribe, I am assured that they will stand at MY side. I know that when this day comes, you will discover a NEW MAN that is grounded with a sense of community that ultimately fulfills MY most basic human need.

END OF DAY...

Are you happier because I passed your way?

Do you remember the words I said to you today?

The day is almost over, and its' toiling time is through.

Can you utter a kind word of me?

Can anyone say tonight in parting with the day that's slipping fast,

That I’ve helped a single person of the many that I passed?

Is a single heart rejoicing over what I did or said?

Does one whose hopes were fading now with courage look ahead

Did you waste the day or use it?

Was it well or sorely spent?

Did you leave a trail of kindness, or a scar of discontent?

As I close my eyes in slumber,

I know that God will say

I’ve earned one more tomorrow by what I did today

GENDER BLENDER

If GOD is only FATHER and not MOTHER, how can he then create MALE and FEMALE in HIS OWN IMAGE? You then either have to concede that the MALE incorporates the FEMALE in GOD and then one is immediately confronted with the question which part of God is then the most important? And if God’s Self would be both male and female, as expressed in the humans, then why would the expression of male and female in one human, as with GLBT people be “FUNDAMENTALLY UNREASONABLE?” So if MASCULINITY and FEMINITY combined in the BEING of the CREATOR is the most PERFECT FORM OF EXISTENCE; how then can and would SOCIETY DEHUMANIZE and CRIMINLAIZE US? How is that WE are called lower than animals because WE are the epitome of GENDER BLENDING? How does a so call MODERN WORLD treat a group of person they know nothing about in this kind of manner? I LOVE how we are practically living a LIFE of SLAVERY; treated like insignificant objects that need APPROVAL to EXIST on this planet. I am living in strange times when smoking is considered a serious danger to one's health, and something which cannot be tolerated in most areas of public life, but it is. SO WHY IS THAT A GENDER BLENDER LIKE MYSELF CAN’T FIND ACCEPTANCE IN MOST PLACES ON THIS PLANET? Why does society reduce the HOMOSEXUAL lifestyle to act from which it was born? How can I be blamed for embracing both parts of myself? How does this UNRIGHTEOUS BEHAVIOR keep me out of HEAVEN? I find this experience HEART-RETCHING...When I think about it, I am rendered ABSOLUTELY SPEECHLESS! I AM JUDGE BASE ON WHAT GOD HIMSELF HAS WRITTEN AS MY DESTINY AND MY ENTIRE EXISTENCE IS BASED ON THE ACT OF SEX I PEFORM. How can HETEROSEXUALITY be MORAL and HOMOSEXUALITY be IMMORAL? Shouldn’t IMMORALITY come in the picture if SEX is EXPLOITIVE and DEMEANS another human being? I think that SOCIETY has it all wrong and needs to focus on the areas that are PURE BLACK or WHITE; leaving the GRAY areas unto themselves. HENCE MORALITY ISN’T ABOUT SEX, EVEN THOUGH SOCIETY WOULD HAVE US BELIEVE THAT NOTION! TO BE MORAL AS FAR AS SEXUALITY IS CONCERNED; IT SHOULD BE BASED ON A CONSENSUAL, NON-EXPLOITIVE, HONEST, MUTUALLY PLEASURABLE CIRCUMSTANCES…PROTECTED BY LOVE AND RESPECT. THE STANDARDS OF SEXUAL MORALITY ARE MORE COMPLEX THAN THE DETERMINED BODY PARTS INVOLVED IN A PARTICULAR SEX ACT. IF SOCIETY REMEMBERS THIS FACT WE ‘GENDER BLENDING’ FOLKS WOULDN’T FEEL LIKE WE ARE LIVING A LIFE SUB PAR TO OTHERS IN SOCIETY. SO I BELIEVE THAT EVERY PERSON IS MADE IN THE IMAGE AND LIKENESS OF GOD, OF GREAT WORTH AND OF GREAT VALUE AND DESERVE TO BE TREATED WITH GREAT DIGNITY! WE ARE THE CHOSEN ONES, THE TIMELESS PEOPLE THAT HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO EMBRACE OUR GOD-GIVEN SEXUALITY. WE ARE THE ALTAR WHERE YOU (SOCIETY) SHOULD TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES AND HONOUR; FOR WE ARE ‘HOLY GROUND.’

TRUE LOVE, DOES IT EXIST?

I DO BELIEVE THAT TRUE LOVE EXIST, WE JUST HAVE TO LIVE IT! I feel it in me and I know it’s out there somewhere because the energy exists. Like many things on earth there must be a balance; just as the animals marched into the Ark 2 by 2 we shall find the match to complete our pair. Sadly, most aren’t ready for that type of commitment for the flesh is too weak.

Nonetheless, TRUE LOVE goes beyond the emotions we feel for someone, it’s something that comes from your soul and spirit. In order for it to last, it has to be born out two souls who see the worst in each other and still love each other no matter what. TRUE LOVE makes it possible to for two persons to fight in the day and make love by night fall. TRUE LOVE is everlasting love; it over flows your heart and you can’t help but to let it show. It’s stubborn and always shows you the truth; never hiding in a dark place…IT SETS YOU FREE! TRUE LOVE never makes you feel afraid to put your trust in it; it’ll never leave your heart it goes beyond time and space…IT’S BIGGER THAN ALL OF US! No matter how much you fear it, it grows inside you still…FILLING YOUR SOUL WITH THOUGHTS OF LOVE! TRUE LOVE makes you feel grateful that you have it in your life and you will thank GOD for every moment. TRUE LOVE is like a leaf falling through the air. From the time it leaves the branch of the tree to the time it touches the ground it has long touched your soul. TRUE LOVE has its own language, spoken in the syncopation of beating hearts. It is an awakening of the soul and the calming of the spirit. TRUE LOVE soars on the angelic wing of a dove. It’s rests on the rainbow time bridging rivers. I KNOW THAT TRUE LOVE EXIST AND I CAN’T WAIT UNTIL MY TRUE LOVE FINDS ME…

HAPPY B-DAY DEAVIAN

Let us lie awake and dream

Of fireflys and starry night skies

When we believed what we were told

And dug in search of pirate's gold

Shooting stars and milky ways

And giant candy- filled parades

Your dreams you can't afford to sellI tell you this - and listen well-

The dream world in your mindIs real as any you might find

As sure as the young heart's pure

As pure a love it will lure

How different would be the world be knew

If a child's eyes we saw through?

ANAL-SEX PRACTITIONER!

Oh, the beautiful joy of ANAL-SEX; how marvelous when two men or more gather to indulged themselves in such a splendid activity. We ANAL-SEX PRACTITIONERS know how to LOVE and treat an ASS right! We love the tightness, the firmness and the friction and the pleasure from F&CKING an ASS. However there those MEN that are not TIGHT and had ONE penises too many. As shocking as it may seem to some, it is a fact nonetheless; and these seem very clueless or don’t care about it. So if you are like me and I suspect that you are, you’ve had encounters with MEN that were so UN-tight that it’s so funny. Imagine you getting down and rip up some ASS only to find it was done and there is nothing left for you to make even the slightest wear or tear. Oddly enough that isn’t the strangest thing about these MEN, these MEN act as if it hurts to enter them…MAKES ME WONDER IF THAT’S A LEANT BEHAVIOUR? They go through the motions, saying ‘take it easy’ ‘go slow’ and this is my favorite ‘I haven’t done this in a long time.’ I am thinking ‘damn I am wasting my lube and energy, masturbation seem real good right about now.’ How can a MAN throw his legs up in the air and F&CK by another and not think that his ASS tightness or lack there of would be noticed? I guess that means that my PENIS is small then? (DON’T GET ME WRONG, I MAY NEVER TOUCH BOTTOM IF IT WAS TIGHT; BUT I CAN ASSURE YOU THAT I CAN @ LEAST RUIN THE SIDES)! So does this mean I am PRACTICING ASS? How can a MAN think that he is a good F&CK if you just fall in? Do you think when they MOAN and GROAN that means they feel something? (I SURE DIDN’T)! Maybe, just maybe they are really really really ready and when this happens their ASS just opens and is ready to receive the DICK DOWN that is about to placed on it? How do they get fulfillment? How do they get up and not have their insides fall out? (GUESS THAT’S WHY THEY JUST ROLL OF THE BED AND CLINCH REAL QUICK TO AVOID ANY LOSS OF BODY PARTS). CALL ME CRAZY, BUT I WANT A MAN THAT HAS SOMETHING FOR ME WHEN WE GET DOWN. I don’t want a virgin, but give a brotha something; ensure that we both have an enjoyable damn good time. SO ALL YOU MEN THAT NOT TIGHT IN THE LEAST BIT BE WARNED, ‘WE YOU MEET ME AND WE DICIDE TO F&CK; PLEASE NOTE THAT IF IT AIN’T BITING OR PUSHING ME OUT I WILL HAVE TO INFORM YOU.’ So please just breathe in DEEP and RELAX them CHEEKS, save yourself some dignity WE both know that no matter how hard you try; your ASS will never be TIGHT enough to get an ASS PRACTITIONER like me off.

LOVE, WHAT LOVE?

Un-LOVE is more like it. When I feel muddled and unfocused, unsure of which way to turn, I say I am in un-LOVE. Unsimilar to when I am in a fog in nature, I can see where I am going and I definitely know where I came from, and I am not afraid that I run into something hidden in the mists that seem to surround me. Being in un-LOVE doesn’t slow me down or limit my visibility. I don’t have to pull over and wait for the murkiness to clear. I move rather slowly; feeling my way and keeping my eyes open for shapes emerging from the haze, never relying on the taillights of someone in front of me as we make our way along the road. By and large, I know that I should prefer to be able to see where we are going and move steadfastly in that direction, but there are gifts that come from being in un-LOVE. I can deal with the fact that sometimes it takes an obstacle like this to get me to stop and be still in the moment doing nothing. In this moment of involuntary inactivity, I can look within and find that the source of my fogginess; it could be some emotional issue that needs tending before I can safely go full steam ahead. Being in this fog reminds me that when I cannot see outside myself, I can always make progress by looking within. Then again, the fog may simply be teaching us important lessons about how to continue moving forward with extreme caution, harnessing our attention, watching closely for new information, and being ready to stop on a dime. I cannot predict when LOVE will come, but I can center myself in the haze and wait for guidance. I may find it inside myself or in a pair of barely visible taillights just ahead. Whether I follow the lights out of the fog, wait for a gentle breeze to lift it, or allow the sun to burn it away, I can rest certain that one way or another, I will move forward with clarity once again knowing that LOVE will find ME!

LIFTING PAIN'S VEIL (BITTERNESS)

It is natural to feel resentment or anger when life does not unfold as expected. We consciously or unconsciously anticipated one experience, and we grieve for the loss of it when the universe puts something else in our path. Most of the time, we work through these feelings and they pass. Occasionally, our anger and resentment do not fade and are instead transformed into bitterness. Bitter feelings allow us to become perfect victims in that we no longer feel obliged to work toward healing and choose instead to identify with our pain. Yet as unwholesome as bitterness can be, it is also a natural element of our emotional palette. When we acknowledge that it is okay to feel bitter, we reconnect with our hurt in a constructive way and can begin the process of working through it. The nature of bitterness is rooted in the fact that the pain we feel provides us with a rationale. We may feel that we deserve to embrace our bitterness to its full extent. And to be bitter is, in essence, to cut ourselves off from all that is positive, hardening our hearts and vowing never to let go of our hurt. But just as bitter feelings can be self-defeating, so too can the release of bitterness be life-affirming in a way that few other emotional experiences are. When we decide that we no longer want to be bitter, we are reborn into a world filled with delight and fulfillment unlike any we knew while in the clutches of bitterness. The veil it cast over our lives is lifted, letting light and warmth touches our souls. Divesting yourself of bitter feelings can be as simple as truly forgiving and moving on. Even when your bitterness has no concrete object, you can forgive situations too. Healing pain can be challenging but may be easier if you remind yourself that you are the only entity truly affected by your emotional state. In time, you will discover that letting go of your bitterness frees you to initiate the healing process and allows you to once again celebrate the possibility of the more wonderful life you deserve.

HOMOSEXUALITY: ¿WHAT ARE THE PERKS?

Can you tell me ANYTHING POSITIVE about being a HOMOSEXUAL? For me, the best thing about being gay is the sense of freedom and honesty. For the longest time before I came out, I was constantly lying to other people about where I was going and what I was doing. At that time, I was still living with @ home and I was lying about everything I did when I wasn't around my family. Once the closet door opened, the lies stopped and I began LIVING my truth. My life changed and I lost my family forever. Looking back, it seems funny that while I was in the closet and lying to these people, they were content with my life, but the moment I stopped lying to them, they couldn't accept it and our FAMILY ended! OH WELL, THAT’S LIFE...

To me, losing in this way is no big deal or was it? I had to dig deep and become comfortable and happy with myself; finding the ME that the world didn’t want to see (ESPECIALLY MY FAMILY). I like to think of my time in the closet and being repressed has helped form me into the WONDERFUL MAN that I am! I used to pray that I didn’t turn into or end up like the gay people I would hear my family often talk about. But because of that, I'm fearless about it now. My sense of freedom comes from no longer having to lie. And even though my FAMILY had a difficult time accepting me as being gay, they still had to admit that I was their SON, BROTHER, NEPHEW, COUSIN & GRANDSON. BUT TO HECK WITH THEM!

I am in touch with my sexuality. I am in touch with the part of myself that WE value more than anything. Hence the greatest thing about being gay is simply the STRENGTH TO BE GAY. The toil and confusion that often goes on, the threat of being abandoned by your family and friends...this creates the inner strength to come-out, standing up tall. Being HOMOSEXUAL taught me how to handle my insecure feelings about being daring, unique, an individual. I had to be fully self aware (or at least as much as one can be at 20) and tough as nails to come out to my family. Any show of "WEAKNESS" would ruin my opportunity to show them that being a gay man was not something to be ashamed of, sorry for, but rather something to be proud of...not because it makes me special but because it doesn’t make me any different/less of a man.

Through living my live as a HOMOSEXUAL; I can say that I have gained some of the most beautiful friendships through the gay community. The one thing I love is that I get an intense joy being in the company of other MEN independent of anything explicitly sexual, and this is to me the most enjoyable aspect...Funny how MEN are so much more fun and satisfying to be around and WOMEN tend to be jealous by that fact. But overall I think the one perk of being gay simply boils down to ACCEPTING who you are…NOTHING IN THE WORLD CAN BEAT THAT...

SURRENDER: RELYING ON OTHERS...

Most of us pride ourselves on our self-sufficiency. We like to be responsible for taking care of ourselves and pulling our own weight in the world. This is why it can be so challenging when we find ourselves in a situation in which we have to rely on someone else. This can happen as the result of an illness or an injury, or even in the case of a positive change, such as the arrival of a newborn. At times like these, it is essential that we let go of our feeling that we should be able to do it all by ourselves and accept the help of others. The first step is accepting the situation fully as it is. Too often we make things worse either by trying to do more than we should or by lapsing into feelings of uselessness. In both cases we run the risk of actually prolonging our dependency. In addition, we miss a valuable opportunity to practice acceptance and humility. The ego resists what is, so when we move into acceptance we move into the deeper realm of the soul. In needing others and allowing them to help us, we experience the full realization that we are not on our own in the world. While this may bring up feelings of vulnerability, a deep feeling of gratitude may also emerge as we open to the experience of being helped. This realization can enable us to be wiser in our service of others when we are called upon to help. It takes wisdom and strength to surrender to our own helplessness and to accept that we, just like every other human being, have limitations. The gifts of surrender are numerous. We discover humility, gratitude, and a deepening understanding of the human experience that enables us to be that much more compassionate and surrendered in the world.

WINNING ISN'T EVERYTHING...

...COMPETING WITH YOURSELF! The urges that drive us to compete with others tend to be straightforward. Years of both evolution and societal influences have shaped us to pit ourselves against our peers. The needs and desires that inspire us to compete with ourselves, however, are entirely personal and thus far more complex. A need to outdo our earlier efforts-to confirm that we have grown as individuals-can motivate us to reach new heights of accomplishment. We are capable of using our past achievements as a foundation from which we venture confidently into the unknown. Yet if this drive to compete with our former selves is the result of low self-worth or a need to prove ourselves to others, even glowing successes can feel disheartening. Examining why we compete with ourselves enables us to positively identify those contests that will enrich our existence. There are many reasons we strive to outdo ourselves. When we are ambitious in our quest for growth, we are driven to set and meet our own expectations. We do not look to external experiences of winning and losing to define our sense of self-worth. Rather, we are our own judges and coaches, monitoring our progress and gauging how successful we have become. Though we seek the thrill of accomplishment tirelessly, we do so out of a legitimate need to improve the world or to pave the way for those who will follow in our footsteps. Be careful, though, that your competitiveness is not the result of an unconscious need to show others that you are capable of meeting and then exceeding their standards. Consider, too, that successful efforts that would be deemed more than good enough when evaluated from an external perspective may not satisfy our inner judge, who can drive us ruthlessly. In order to attain balance, we have to learn the art of patience even as we strive to achieve our highest vision of who we are. When we feel drained, tense, or unhappy as we pursue our goals, it may be that we are pushing ourselves for the wrong reasons. Our enthusiasm for our endeavors will return as soon as we recall that authentic evolution is a matter not of winning but of taking pride in our progress at any pace.

INNOCENCE IS DEAD!

Wouldn’t it be nice to go back to the place of INNOCENCE? Back to that place before life was experienced? Before we took our first breathe? Before eating the fruit of knowledge? It would be so nice to open up our eyes for the first time and know we are the first born; the SON OF MAN. However as adults we now know what harshness of this world is all about and we know all to well that INNOCENCE DOESN’T EXIST ANYMORE. But oddly enough we seem to have this bizarre notion; we seem to be stuck on this crazy thought like it was some sort of sticky candy cane of bitter, irrefutable truth that it does exist. I can’t say that I blame them for thinking the way they do, but I also know that this same this sincere, fantastical idea is what causes the delusion that exists as far INNOCENCE is concerned. Tell me how it can be we were born pure and simple and clean like cute little puppies and then we somehow quickly become horribly corrupted by the world? How can INNOCENCE still exist when we have to stumble our way through and not get too soiled and damaged and emotionally shredded before finally taking in our last breathe? We all know that there is simply no such thing as an authentic human experience that doesn't somehow and in some way affect, stain, taint or scar us. Life as hard as it is cannot be avoided; it cannot be shunned or quieted or talked off the ledge. Even in childhood INNOCENCE doesn’t really truly exist. In other words, there is no such thing as a perfectly innocent life, or childhood, or experience, no such thing as strolling through this world wholly sheltered from, say, everyday trauma, shocking imagery, bad sex or inappropriate fondling, and if you insist that there is or that there should be or that this is the way God intended it, it is quite likely you are one violently over sheltered home-schooled virgin. But for your sake I will flip the switch…There is no human child on the face of the earth who has had some sort of ideally perfect, sex-free, trauma-free, drama-less life by which we should measure all our failures and woes. I am very much aware of the fact that there are no standards, no perfect score, no idyllic model to prove what I am saying, but what do you measure your belief in INNOCENCE by? How innocent can the world be if some kids don’t that it isn’t before they get to adulthood? How harsh to realize that we are meant to go through the modern world free of raw flesh and sticky blood and parasites, ever struggling to remain clean and pure. I say INNOCENCE is for the deluded and the notion of INNOCENCE is fueled by the cheerless Christian view which implies that human life is mostly pain and suffering and forbidden, guilt-ridden midnight masturbation and we are here to endure Satan's nasty trials until armies of angels come and lead us into the giant Blue Light special in the sky. This very same notion makes us believe that drama and trauma is what we are designed for and scarring and discoloration is what we do. Does that make sense to you? I know that we are here after all to experience and taste and immerse in it all. But how can you deny the fact that the world is full things that take away our INNOCENCE? So while you pretend that life didn’t deal you a blow and you look at life with your rose-colored glasses I hope it hurts as you scream as the wounds of life KICK YOUR ASS. I will laugh at how silly you look with your bandage as you heal awkwardly only to do it all over again…Is this not what it's all about? Stop misleading yourselves, Stop pretending as if INNOCENCE is still alive and well. The lavender-scented air and mess-free INNOCENCE you seek doesn’t exist so please live like it does. MY ADVICE TO YOU IS TO ACCEPT MY TRUTH, HOW CAN I BE WRONG? RESISTANCE IS FUTILE…All you can really do is grit your teeth, take a deep breath, unbutton your pants and smile.

¿A FEW GOOD MAN?

From the time I can remember I’ve been running into some pretty decent guys (at least what I thought) and we'd begin seeing one another. The thing that gets me is that all of a sudden, it seems to turn to their wanting something else even though I’ve laid it all out what I want and what I am all about when it comes to relationships. I have often thought about what I might be doing wrong, or what I could do to make sure the outlook is more positive, but I'm stumped. I know being single is not so bad, but I just really want to find a good MAN to share a life with. I wonder one time too often if there is A FEW GOOD MAN out there for me and where can I find one? I am a young 28 year old MAN, very compromising person, and tend to get along with just about everyone. I'm spiritual and in tone with myself I know my place on this planet, yet still I can’t seem to get beyond a certain point as far as MEN are concerned. This constantly makes me wonder and ask how did I end up here? Why did I meet this person only to be here again? I think that I set myself up to be misled at times because I try to be a good friend first, then a good boyfriend later. Crazy how that doesn’t work in this community…I compromise, I make sacrifices and yet here I am. I guess my down fall is that I start off being too honest and that’s something that most MEN cannot deal with. I know that I am a rare phenomenon, but what is a MAN to do? I pace myself and measure the actions of the MEN with what my needs are and we have honest discussions about things. We both agree and things seem as if they are on the right track, but oddly enough I know that it isn’t. Nothing like getting a box wrapped in shiny new paper, pretty bows and ribbons...to find that inside the box is empty. I wonder if I shouldn’t waste my time with MEN that are not going to work for me. I think that everyone I meet is for some reason, some real purpose; so how can I turn them away? The problem isn’t the WRONG MAN but the initial meeting we have. I know that the MEN that crossed my path all have something in common that drew them to me. I know that I need to trust my instincts and see what they are really there for. I get why they want what they say they think they want but I know wanting is only have of the battle. There isn’t enough of them to take all of me, don’t get me wrong I don’t think that I am all that but I do know my worth. With that notion how can I blame them for sensing that? How can I blame them for knowing that a MAN like me is what they want, but they are no way ready? Maybe I am the way for them to discover that the MAN they seek actually exist and that HE is within reach, just be ready for HIS arrival. The truth of the matter is that I know that there are many wonderful, beautiful, strong, independent and stable MEN out there who would be more than happy to develop a positive relationship with me. I just have to find them; I have to be able to separate the ones that are for me from the ones that just need me…

OUCH! THAT HURTS: ROOM-MATE EDITION

Funny how people live their lives as if only they matter. And I like a fool made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t grow up to become my mother and funny how I did…I guess no matter how much I changed, the core things about me never changed. For years and years I sat and watch as people come and take from my mother, leaving her broken and in pain; yet she wore her heart on her sleeve, pant, shoes…handbag…my mom had kindness coming out of her pores and is was sweet as perfume but stung her like the bee that came buzzing to the flower in search for that sweet aroma. I have grown up most of my life thinking about others but never to a point where I wanted to help in any which way. I always thought that what ever was ailing a person they brought it upon themselves but as time went on I learned better. I guess I am way too sensitive to the woes of life and it gets me every time and the weird thing is that I am seen as a BITCH for not letting people take advantage of me for the rest of my life. I bend over backwards for my friends (@ least I thought they were) and stood in the gap when they needed someone and typical human behavior they always want to get over on you. They come with no where to go, no food to eat and I say hey how I be of service? More like how can I allow you to use my ASS is what I should say! But the craziest thing about that is that I don’t have regrets nor would I change a thing. I am glad to be of service for I know that I don’t exist in a vacuum and I know that no MAN is an island. But that doesn’t mean that it didn’t hurt to have persons turn their backs on me when I decided that I can’t lend myself to be used. I wish that I was sorry for not allowing you to let your fresh out of prison cousin to live with me (YOU KNOW WHO U R). Sorry for trying to help you when you need a place to stay and I didn’t charge you anything extra because you were my friend. I guess you would miss my friendship if you leave the keys with the next door neighbor. Funny how I never went away, I am the same MAN. I wish I was sorry for not being friends with you after you moved out my place and we agreed that we would split the bills a few weeks later because you needed to get on your feet (YOU KNOW WHO U R). Funny how you said YES that works then later told a mutual friend that you didn’t think that you should and you didn’t. Guess I am your BITCH and you F&CKED me and had coffee…NO WONDER MY ASS FEELS BLISTERED AND BRUISED…I wish I felt sorry for the fact that your MOM didn’t want you to be on your own and you proved it to me (YOU KNOW WHO U R). Damn you came to me all desperate and down on your luck and I said I would help you. Funny how when you left you gave me a parting gift then came back for it months later…HMMM I GUESS I SHOULDN’T HAVE F&CKED YOU FIRST…I wish that I felt sorry for the fact that YOUR mom and step dad didn’t want your ASS around them. How weird that your own family can’t stand you and it’s even weirder that I got to find out why (YOU KNOW WHO U R). You stole, lied and maybe commit murder (still waiting on the news on that one) all to have your way. You are selfish and don’t know what or how to be a good person. Funny how I don’t hate you, I feel sorry for you guess I did cared about you…HOW COULD I NOT? You gave good HEAD and your KISSES were always soft and tender…Funny though, your ass wasn’t tight…BUT ALL IN ALL I CAN SAY THAT I GAVE YOU WHAT YOU NEEDED WHEN YOU NEEDED IT, TO DAMN BAD YOU TOOK OTHER THINGS THAT YOU DIDN’T NEED…I KNOW ON SOME LEVEL YOU MUST KNOW THAT HURT ME AND THE CRAZY THING IS THAT YOU DIDN’T WAIT AROUND FOR ME TO SAY, ‘OUCH THAT HURTS!’

BOUQUET OF CONSEQUENCES...

...SOONER OF LATER EVERYONE GETS THEIR SHARE...THINK BEFORE YOU FLAME!

TIME (REFLECTION)

EVERYONE WANTS TO CHANGE THE WAY THE WORLD IS. EVERYONE WANTS TO SEE THE WORLD HAPPY. BUT NO ONE REALISES THAT, TO MAKE THIS WORLD A HAPPY PLACE TO LIVE, YOU HAVE TO CHANGE YOURSELF...YOUR HEART & NOT THE WORLD...Time has made me realize that the things that I carried with me weren’t the things that will take me to the next level. I had so many things that weighed me down and I didn’t know how to overcome these elements in my life… I WORRY ABOUT MY FAMILY (even though they will never fully accept me). I WORRY ABOUT MONEY OR THE LACK OF IT (even though I know it won’t sustain me). I WORRY ABOUT WORK, ABOUT PROFESSIONAL CAREER (even though that like everything else in my life is out of my hands). I WORRY ABOUT FIND REAL TRUE LOVE (even though I know it’s going to happen, I still worry). The thing is that I realized that I allowed my WORRIES to control my life and I lived in FEAR! So I changed that because I came to understand that the moment I let FEAR take control of me, I became someone that wouldn’t and couldn’t go to the next level. I knew how to make things better for the truth lied within, yet I refused to reveal it. I allowed FEAR to silence me, I knew what to do but didn’t. FEAR made me feel as if I had enough but instead of fighting I felt like giving up. As the time changes I remembered when I changed and I had to pay no attention to the past because it won’t help me find a new beginning. Change has made me realized that I had to get to the other chapter of the book, the other race that LIFE has planned for me. Hence I couldn’t and I wouldn’t give the vanished days a backward look. The future is my time, and time is fleeting so I had to forget the buried woes and dead despairs. For there is brand new trial right at hand, the future is for him who does and dares… Old failures will not halt, old triumphs aid, to-day's the thing, to-morrow soon will be; I have to get in the fight and face it unafraid! And leave the past to ancient history; what has been has been; yesterday is dead. And by it I am neither blessed nor banned; I’ve taken courage and bravely forge ahead…

HUMANITY: BEING HOMOSEXUALS

"HUMANITY" becomes important only when contrasted with the nonhuman. Since no nonhuman creature is nearly as intelligent as are we on this planet, and we have yet to contact non-earth cultures, "humanity" is really not an important, even a relevant concept. Accept it: all those creatures that look like people are people — human beings. None of them has to prove that to anyone. Given this common base of human beingness, what matters is not humanity (human beingness) but the nature of the person — that is, not our base similarity, but our particular differences. He who is ashamed of his difference is ashamed of himself. All homosexuals in our culture start out being ashamed of ourselves. Isn't it time we outgrew that? The world tries to hold back the tide of change and as HUMAN BEINGS we need to remind them about what happens when a group of persons are held against their own free will. I know that in keeping homosexuals and lesbians down within constrained universality, in keeping us from developing our own particular cultures, heterosexuals have not gained but lost; that the longer heterosexuals oppress us with a false universality we shall all continue to lose; and that difference need not mean hostility, but repressed difference must. Everyone needs a group to identify with, and mankind is too large and meaningless a group for any adult to identify with satisfactorily. The group is the emotional extension of the self. He who is without a group often cannot know who and what he is. Mankind would be a small-enough group to identify with only if man had to share dominion over this planet with another intelligent race. Since that is not the case, our "humanity" is an irrelevant question, for we all have that. To rest on our "humanity", on our commonness, would deprive us of all motivation to assert ourselves and make our own contributions. Further, if we are all the same, what have we to say to each other? On the other hand, if we are all very different, we cannot communicate with each other, for we mean different things even by the same words, and speak past each other (as do homosexuals with lesbians and either with heterosexuals). Only they who are roughly alike can contribute to each other most meaningfully. The world naturally resolves itself to groups based on rough similarity, and interaction within such groups is the base not only of daily personal satisfaction but also of cultural progress. The most frequent, intensive, and constructive interaction takes place within these cultural entities, and much less among different entities. Homosexuals and lesbians have been denied cultural entities of their own but will have them soon. Only when we do might you be able to understand what there is to be proud of in being homosexual or lesbian. But for the time being, just realize that, as heterosexuals have been writing, talking, painting and drawing about heterosexuality for thousands of years in utter oblivion of homosexuality and lesbianism; continue to work feverishly within heterosexual themes without seeming to wear out all the possibilities; and do not feel any emptiness in their lives on that account, so homosexuals and so lesbians will in time come naturally to be fully wrapped up in living and expressing their lives and feelings, oblivious of heterosexuals and heterosexuality, and not feel any loss thereby.

I AM NOT A GAY...

The whole world is built for men-and-women, but not for men or women. There is no place for us in the male-female world. There never will be. So either we create a place for ourselves or we will never have a place, but will continue to be ruled, from birth to death, from job to bed, by heterosexual notions of what is proper. So to them I say ‘I am not a "gay" but a homosexual.’ I object to the avoidance of the word "homosexual". I am homosexual — not gay — and I'm proud. I don't know where the idiot euphemism "gay" came from, but I see no reason except brevity to use any term but homosexual to refer to homosexuals. Heteros don't seem to see any need to avoid the word "heterosexual." HOMOSEXUALITY IS BEAUTIFUL! Hence we are entitled to a full life as homosexuals in a culture arisen from homosexuality and reflective of our lives, and that in order to attain such a society we must assume political and economic control over a specific real piece of the earth. We deserve to be free and the most important freedom a homosexual has is the freedom to feel. We can care. We can love. We can try to help people. So we teach, and enter social work and medicine. We can express our emotions. So we act and dance and sing and write poetry and paint. We can stand before something beautiful and appreciate it. We can express all our emotions, not just hate and anger, and so can be total human beings, while the heterosexual man is allowed to be only a fraction of a person — and not the best fraction at that. Because we can feel and because we can break free of standardized thinking, we can bring a new passion and perspective to politics, the arts, even the sciences. We can foment a vast program of social change without having to worry about what every straight male pressed into the tough competition-proves-your-manhood mold, worries about: being thought a softie, a "sob sister". We can sympathize, empathize — we do not have to pity in order to [relate to] the oppressed. For we have been oppressed and continue to be oppressed. We have some taste of the fury that warps people into things; of the rage that comes of being wronged and powerless to right those wrongs. But because most of us have also known acceptance and "the good life", we have a broader view than have those people in the visible-minorities' ghettoes. Ours have been ghettoes of the mind, and we do, after all, exercise considerable control over our own minds. Breaking down the walls we have placed on our own minds is not so formidable a task as smashing the walls in others' minds, or rebuilding a slum. We know both sides of the ghetto wall. Few others can. And we know both sides of the wall that restricts most people's thinking. Many people contemplate this troubled earth and search for answers. Most are constrained to search in barren territory, the territory they can see within the sterile confines of their accustomed areas of thought. The answers do not lie there, however, but outside. We know some of that relatively unexplored territory; perhaps we can act as guides. We know better than to reject things out of hand merely because they have never been tried or because they may sound strange. For we once, perforce, lived in an Old World of psychosexuality; but then our minds' and bodies' uncomprehended drives guided us to a door into a new existence, a whole New World of people, places, acts, and ideas we might never have known existed had it not been for our deviant nature. Perhaps the entire earth is but a step distant from a dramatic answer, unseen, unappreciated, as we may so long have stood, unaware, outside a gay bar or beside another homosexual, before we managed to come out. Perhaps the earth will find its own New World, undreamed of — or if dreamed, then repressed upon waking. Perhaps we can help discover or rediscover it.

DEVIATE & BE FREE!

 

Do think that if the entire world had been homosexual from the start, the word would be altogether different? Would HOMOSEXUALITY give rise to different forms of organization and institutions, acceptable lifestyles and attitudes, different art, different politics AND religion based on human recognition whether an individual is gay OR straight? This world that I speak of is not seen by eye, but can be felt in the hearts N’ souls of every homosexual on this planet. We yearn to be TRUE to ourselves and orientation, but if we are to achieve and live a life that is NATURAL to our sexuality, we need to DEVIATE & BE FREE! This is a MAJOR task and would not contemplate this had we not been shocked from lethargy by murders, beatings, name-calling, job discrimination, and so on. How funny we thought we were floating, when in fact we are drowning. We were swimming with the heterosexual tide, not realizing that that tide was going out, into a heterosexual sea, carrying us farther and farther from our homosexual native land. Now don’t get wrong I do NOT hate the sea, I just don't want to drown in it…This “heterosexual” sea, is the community that shelters, nourishes AND protects all that agree to be prisoners in its waters. But land animals such as us that stay too long in the water surely will find profound distress. SO I SAY LET’S DEVIATE & BE FREE! For far too long we have focused on the NEGATIVE consequences of such a deviation. But as “homosexual deviants,” we are free from the stereotype of "MASCULINITY". We can cry in a movie theater if we are touched by a film, and not flick the tears from our cheeks when the lights go up. We can touch another man on the street, hug him, and walk hand-in-hand with him. We can be graceful, gentle, tender, loving, kind. We can also do anything straight men do that we may care to do: wrestle, play football, lift weights, get roaring drunk and stagger thru the streets. And we can do some things straight men cannot: we can go into a sexual relationship free of preformed roles; we can both give and receive attention; we can initiate and reciprocate, be both aggressive and receptive, and live a two-sided relationship of true equals. However, the freedom of a deviant goes much further than just those freedoms we have as homosexuals. A deviant is free to…deviate. That is, as deviants we can NEVER really conform. So there is no reason for us ever to try. The (STRAIGHT) world has proclaimed certain values sacred. We cannot accept all those values, and if we can question one, we can question all. Indeed, having questioned any we are impelled to question all. Some will stand the test of inquiry; others will fail. What fails, we must replace. And here again we are free. If the (STRAIGHT) world's conclusions are wrong, we must question whether the means by which they reached those conclusions are also wrong. So we are free to work toward our own conclusions by our own means! If that is not freedom, what is? We don't have to say the "right" things, nor think the "right" things, nor do the "right" things according to the world. We don’t have to play butch or fem; we don't have to see the "in" films; nor wear our hair curly or have big belt buckles in our trousers while carrying a BIG leather shoulder bag. Having abandoned the standards of one world, we do not have to accept blindly the absurd standards of another. Hence we are free to try as best we can to fashion a world VALID for us. We are citizen in many worlds…slave in none. I know that deviation brings a perverse kind of freedom, but if we do NOTHING with it, we are cheating ourselves; and others as well…FOR A FREE MIND, BODY N’ SOUL IS A POWERFUL WEAPON AGAINST A WORLD GONE INSANE…

A MAGICAL MIND: WISH...

From blowing dandelion seeds into the air to throwing a penny into a fountain, we have all felt inspired to make a wish, to whisper our secret desires into the ears of the universe and wait for signs that we have been heard. Some wishes come true while others remain ethereal visions that either stay with us or fade like a star in the light of morning. Whether they come true or not, wishes are important missives, expressing our heart's desire as well as our intention to create something new in our lives. When we wish for something, our consciousness opens to receiving it, like a flower unfolding its petals to receive a bee. There is something innocent and magical about making a wish, something that recalls the energy of childhood. Wishing is not about formulating a plan and following it step by step to attain a goal, which is the realm of adulthood. Wishing is more like a playful volley across the universe, an invitation to play. Waiting for the response is an integral part of the process. Wishing inspires an innocent opening to the possibility of magic as we wait to see if the invisible realm will bring our wish to life. This opening is a beautiful gesture in and of itself, regardless of the outcome. We place ourselves in a magical mind, and this mind is arguably as wonderful as the fulfillment of our wish itself. In our straightforward, action-oriented society, we may tend to dismiss the power of this seemingly passive process, yet the power of a wish is well known, hence the cautionary phrase, "Be careful what you wish for." If you have given up wishing in favor of more adult pursuits, you might want to bring its magic back into your life. The next time you see the first star of the evening, or find yourself in front of a birthday cake covered in flaming candles, give yourself the gift of the magical realm that you knew so well as a child-close your eyes, open your mind, and make your wish.

HAPPY B-DAY DERRINIQUE!

Sweet sixteen you are, you were, in part shall always be.

That wonder, horror, perfect, fearful, strong, weak, potpourri.

One moment sailing through the sky, next, in the depths of hell.

What a way to learn of life, a test to live it well.

You need to be connected, dear, the same as all your friends.

You want to be so different, your own self to the end.

You long to be out on your own, you want your family there.

You feel you look so good, then hate your face, your nose, your hair.

And all that I can tell you now my sweet, sixteen, confused,

Is that I love you, and someday you'll look on this bemused.

MARKET BOY!

HOMOSEXUALITY IS A FORM OF LOVE...and HATE is the most maligned and misunderstood of our SEXUALITY! I know that anger is the most powerful outlet. Men build from love and destroy from hate. But too often one cannot build unless one first destroys. I find it scary how GAY MEN here live their life’s and how they treat those that around them. I HATE how GAY MEN can't deal with their own inadequacies and lash out against others. I HATE one GAY MAN in particular deals with the things he can't control, its one thing to show anger @ home but when it's brought out for public spectation that's another story. TALK ABOUT DAVID AND GOLIATH...the only thing is that in this story DAVID got his ASS KICKED. GOLIATH took his sling-shot and shoved it down his throat. Sadly, GOLIATH is his own worst enemy. He is a prisoner within very strong walls, and all the maudlin sentiment in the world, all the wishes for "understanding" and "peace" and only anger will smash them. He exists in a perpetual state of tension or crisis. To what degree depends upon his surroundings. He has learned to HATE, unfortunately he doesn’t hate the right things…HE should HATE passionately everyone and everything that causes him to hate himself, other homosexuals, and homosexuality itself. He should hate every impulse to hide his homosexuality, every impulse to cover up, avert one's eye, change the conversation; to hate every single aspect of his denial of existence — every imposition of heterosexuality upon him: every television program that suggests that "ALL" people are heterosexual; every evening of TV or radio programming in which he is invisible and unheard; every school where hetero patterns are foisted upon every child; to hate every anti-homosexual feeling he has in himself, every temptation to role playing, every word of the "GAY" vocabulary derived from the heterosexual and hetero-prostitute vocabulary of ugliness, impersonality, and contempt for sex, every sexual fantasy in which the body without a man inside is preferred to a full man, every sadistic/masochistic image and thrill, every unnatural swish, every affected effeminate mannerism, every rattail comb and eyebrow pencil, every falsie and hormone shot, every drag ball, every gym or beach that deprives the homosexual of dignity and personhood. I wish he knew that HATE is powerful, more powerful than our ability to diver it or our power to deny it. Hate is dynamic, not static. Hate moves the body to aggression; it moves the mind to aggression too. If that aggression is not let out it will nonetheless work its will, but in that case it will have nowhere to work but on the self. And then, instead of serving the end of self-preservation, it goes instead to push self-destruction. SO THE NEXT TIME GOLIATH DECIDES TO BEAT THE F&CK OUT OF HIS BOYFRIEND, I WISH HE WOULD FIND HIS WAY TO MY COUCH. I would tell him not to curse the darkness but light a fuse instead. There is much that is ugly in the "GAY WORLD" and in the minds of homosexuals. But NONE of it is homosexual. Blast the heterosexual notions out of your head. Blast the heterosexual parasites out of the gay world. Smash the heterosexual patterns that invade our lives. Stomp heterosexual ideas of beauty and right, into the dust. Wrench yourselves out of heterosexual strongholds. Let yourself drift into a violent mood and know what has brought you to it, smash the straight world aside and underfoot and build a homosexual world in a homosexual place. Hate the right people and the right things and use the dynamism of constructive hate to rebuild your world. I wonder if he knows that this incident demonstrates the extreme vulnerability of homosexuals in a heterosexual-dominated community. Do you think he knows that his actions brought down the WHOLE community? DO YOU THINK HE KNOWS HE ACTED LIKE A BOY IN THE MARKET?

SEX WITH ME...

…Gives you a sensual and obedient MAN who is in sink with my partner’s erotic dictates. With me no words need to be spoken when intimate with me; I know how to capture and keep my MAN’S imagination. "Sex is good; it’s a creation of GOD and all men are expected to enjoy it. Hence I exercise my GOD given right to enjoy myself. Sex with me doesn’t lend itself to prudishness or squeamishness. Sex is not an occasion for shame or embarrassment. With me I intend to teach that sex is deeper than the merely physical; it touches the whole physical and soulish makeup of man; it is psycho-physical. Sex with me involves every part of your life, not only physically, but emotionally, mentally, and volitionally as well. It is this fact that makes the sex drive so powerful. Sex is a powerful desire to enter into a total union with another personality, to discover the "SECRET" of another, to possess him in the total framework of human experience. In a phrase the URGE to MERGE! Sex with me is such a powerful instinctive drive in human life that you can never ignore it or take it lightly. It is as irresistible as spring. You can never fully understand this strange and powerful drive, and nothing quite so much tortures you and yet delights you as the mystery of SEX WITH ME! One thing therefore is clear: is that SEX is so deeply rooted in our natures that we can never treat it adequately on the physical level. SEX WITH ME is much deeper than that. I touch the whole of human makeup in its total experience. It’s all about taking that person to that next level, I firmly believe that you can tell who a man is by how deep and passionately he let’s ME F&CK him. I LOVE the way he looks into my eyes and rise from his deep set self-reflection as he sees me in his reflection…reflecting what HE knows is true. SEX WITH ME shows you the undeniable connection between our SOULS…Being inside of you is what you’d LOVE the most. GOD knows that I will F&CK you in every position that both of our bodies can handle…I want to see your body shine by candlelight…as your body continues to heat up in our sweat… I want to see the sexual lust on your face…as you throw your head from side…You don’t have to tell how good I feel, your body shows me that every time it rocks out of control…SEX WITH ME LIKE SEEING THE FACE OF GOD. SEX WITH ME IS BAR NONE. SEX WITH ME IS all pleasure with strings attach. SEX WITH ME is better than having a million bucks. SEX WITH ME is like a monsoon – HOT, WET, WILD, HEAVY & PERIODIC…SEX WITH ME is all BODY, HEART & SOUL…

¿ONE NIGHT STAND = A LIFE TIME?

HOW DOES A MAN DECIDE THAT HE WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH ME, NOT KNOWING WHO I AM AND THEN LATER DECIDES THAT HE WANTS A LIFETIME AND NOT A ONE TIME THING? I find this phenomenon sad and heart breaking. How do you say to yourself 'sure we can F&CK' all the while you know that deep down in your very soul you want the one thing that everyone in the world wants...

I find this very interesting because that means with every STROKE of my D!CK, every TENDER TOUCH, every SWEET KISS of my LIPS you are hoping to get that for more than one night. So I say ask yourself, how can you expect this be more than what it's meant to be? How can you want me to think that you want something with me that transform into more than what you give me @ the moment in time? I am just doing what my urges suggest and I am sorry that my HEART isn't in there, but I take my LIFE very seriously and I don't just decide that I want to be with anyone just because we had AMAZING SEX! S

ex doesn't equate to LOVE in my mind; sorry if it does for you but you need to accept this for what it is. How do you expect a MAN such as me to transform form the BULL that I am into an innocent PLAYMATE? The maniac in me won't allow such behaviour to exist...I GUESS I AM WRONG FOR GIVING YOU EVERYTHING AND NOTHING @ THE SAME TIME...GUESS I AM STRANGE FOR THINKING MY WAY OF F&CKING IS COMMON PLACE. I can't say that I blame you though; you've never come across one like me. I know that it's refreshing to see such a real and uninhibited display of sex so easily; flaunted in such a candid style...WHAT CAN I SAY? I KNOW HOW TO SEPARATE F&CKING FROM LOVE! Please don’t fall into the trap of starting out with an O.N.S. and end up getting hooked. 

In general, it is virtually impossible to maintain a serious relationship from a one-night stand. The odds are not very good. There are 3 things I want you to remember...I DON'T MAKE PROMISES - I won’t make promises I obviously can't keep. I won’t ask for your number if I don't plan on using it; I can’t set you up for a disappointment. I DON'T APOLOGIZE FOR F&CKING YOU - it cheapens the mood and kills the good time that we had. I WILL FOLLOW UP WITH YOU FROM TIME TO TIME - I won’t burn bridges because I never know when I might want to rock the bed with you again. CALL ME SELFISH, CALL ME WHAT EVER YOU...THE ONE THING YOU CAN'T CALL ME A LIAR BECAUSE I YOU KNOW FROM THE START WHAT THE DEAL IS AND WHERE I STAND...