As I think about the men that were lost to this disease, I often wonder, if being who they are (gay) made them feel as they are were/are THE embodiment of an unnatural sin? I sit and think about how many of them wished they could have maintained their ‘godly’ heterosexuality by wanting wives and children? I wonder how many of them freaked out in private, curled into the fetal position, crying as HIV/AIDS became their reality. How many more gay men will have to fight HARD to recondition themselves to fight against the stigma of this disease the same way Pavlov reconditioned his dogs to salivate at the sound of a bell ONLY TO FAIL?
OUR LUST FOR EACH OTHER IS KLLING US! We as gay men are fighting SO hard to end up ALONE! I LOVE fucking the next guy as much as anyone else, but I think about spooning on rainy Sunday mornings, receiving that surprise gift from that special man who knows my middle name. Life's a lot longer than just 9-12 inches and I don't want us to find ourselves preparing to die from a disease that doesn’t care about us @ all.
I am tired of us being the victim that has been robbed and beaten by my friends and my family. I am tired of us being the forgotten, the lost and the abandoned. It brings tears to my eyes to think of the men who have passed that were SO disconnected and dissociated from THE source. This brings to mind something the prophet Kahlil Gibran said,
“our pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses our understanding and much of our pain is self-chosen. He continues by saying, “It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self. Therefore, trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility; for his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen, and the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.”
What I’m saying is that we can choose to go on or we can choose to give up. We make choices for a lot of reasons, but every reason we choose seeks to do one thing, it takes us further on our journey. However we as gay men play SO hard that we take ourselves to the place where we can’t adequately address our needs. We find ourselves prowling the walls between the glory holes seeking that empty, anonymous sexual contact while blocking any opportunity for true intimacy. I can see it now, the eye contact…the pulling out of the dick, it is placed through the glory hole, and it is sucked for a while…Then there's a pause, a whisper, he enters and strips…slowly turns around while the head of a dick is placed FIRMLY @ the entrance to his ass…WILL HE SAY NO, LET’S GET A CONDOM?
In the heat of the moment, he allows himself to be taken and in the back of his mind, he KNOWS he is doing something that can AND will hurt him…Or has he convinced himself that this one isolated, unprotected sexual encounter will NOT lead to his ultimate demise? Risky behavior is VERY appealing to us. The rush that it provides makes us feel SO ALIVE! When will this behavior cease? I don’t think it will cease until society STOPS beating down young gay boys mentally, physically AND spiritually. All of the negative action towards young boys INNOCENTLY being themselves causes us to grow into men that have distrust for each other.
Many gay men learned @ a very young age to be dishonest and deceitful, all to conceal their true identity, as it was deemed devilish, ungodly, or plain perverted. This behavior simply perpetuates itself throughout one's life. Before long, a person begins to believe that how they are living is "acceptable," therefore projecting their lies and bullshit onto others, who are unsuspecting and being hurt in the process. Do you see the vicious cycle? As desire turned into a need that ends up costing us our lives, we tell ourselves that we could get away with "just one more" unprotected sex act. One turned into hundreds, maybe even thousands. While I have no qualms about promiscuity, I tend to question if we TRULY LOVE ourselves? I get our need to be fulfilling in all aspects of the sex we are having, but SAFE SEX is ABSOLUTELY necessary. TOO many of us have yet to mature physically, mentally, and spiritually to the point where we can connect on a REAL level with another man. Somewhere DEEP down inside, there is a voice telling SO many of us that sleeping with men is wrong.
NO matter how much education is available to us, or how many individuals we see lose their lives to HIV/AIDS, the reality is that this behavior will continue to perpetuate itself and I am left writing entries like this, asking myself questions like what could I have done to help so and so? Why didn’t I know they needed someone? I suppose I will forever wonder if those men that passed possessed some sort of subconscious death-wish, or were they simply being real human?