Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Damn talk about time not standing still…A year and a day ago, I remembered so well; the day I made the decision that affected my entire existence on this planet. I never would have thought that this one moment, this one action would bring tears to eyes, pain in my heart and me to my knees. I never knew that ‘love’ took so much, thought it would have been easy, thought that I could just slip away and not feel a thing. I WAS SO FUCKING WRONG, SO MISTAKEN, SO CLUELESS…SO UNAWARE… At this point things just came out of me as if something had died; I was looking for an epiphany at the end I was left thinking why the fuck I even try? I knew that I gave all that I could…I knew that I he loved me, more than I loved him or so I thought. I told him that I felt that our ‘relationship’ had reverted back to us being just best friends, he seemed shocked, so confused I could tell that he didn’t know what to do. It was funny to me because I knew it was the ‘end’ for a long time now, think about it, he told me that a good ‘friend’ of me told him ‘you should look out for yourself.’ I couldn’t believe that, like huh? This is the man I placed before everything and everyone, when I say everyone I mean everyone. I am standing in front of this man who I didn’t think I loved, telling him I don’t want him to love me or me him and all he gave me was ‘I hate confrontations’ I was like WTF, I am thinking okay. He left he hanging blowing like a leaf in the wind, I let him go, but he kept me prisoner. I felt that my foundation cracked, the very soil that lived beneath me no longer existed. The trees were all dead, the flowers of ‘love’ that once bloomed…don’t; birds lose all acquaintance with song. The sun has forsaken me, all that exists were clouds; clouds that is so angry so harsh, so dark. If rain were to come that illuminate this impending doom; doom that has plagued my very existence, doom that is so real…Doom that is me! Because all that stood in front of me was my UN(FAMILIAR). I pondered my life with him, without him wondering not knowing what to do. Playing with the ‘if’ of life asking myself: If I walked away from it all today where would I be tomorrow? Would my hefty heart still split and part over-run by the weight of sorrow? Would I remember next week how bleak my choices looked yesterday? Would the world I know crumble and go because of bridges burned by actions today? Can I sit here as I do longing for you but never having what I used to? Could I turn away from all that I say and only feel that which is real? If he opened a door and promised me free what would I leave so he could remember me? If that door closed and I had to stay would this life be worth living or should I throw it away? I wanted God to come down from his mountain high and answered me. Free me of my obsessed grief, cut by a decision that offers no relief…I was ‘shadow~less’ my life on pause, constantly wondering if it was by way of choices or was it my fate? Why can’t I just exit to a place, escape out of this maze that is my life…no more smoking mirrors filled with despair & desolation. I am in my dark cell hoping for light, a parched soul that remains dry …unable to drink. Times of perplexity are upon me causing my heart to fail me…I fear of the things to come…
Monday, May 29, 2006
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Monday, May 22, 2006
We are like nature; nature is a mirror, inspiring and teaching us, deepening our sense of belonging in the world. Wherever you look, you can see that our patterns and the patterns of the natural world are the same. You can find this resonance in every form, from molecules to plants and animals and to planets. We live our lives according to the same principles as the trees, the mountains, the clouds, and the birds. We begin our lives in the womb, folded in on ourselves like the bud of a flower. We can see our whole lives in the mirror of this natural form. When we emerge from the womb, we slowly begin our unfolding, just as the flower begins to open its petals. At its prime, the flower draws many insects to it and also the eyes of appreciative humans. When the flower's petals begin to fade and its life cycle comes to an end, it ceases to hold itself upright and returns to the earth. Traditionally, we return to the earth, just as all plants and animals do. Like flowers, we leave behind seeds in the forms of children and other gifts only we could have given. They continue to unfold even after we are gone. Rebirth is encoded into our lives, and death is just one part of the cycle. Look around you, and you will find connection and insight. Notice how your moods shift from one to another like the sky shifts from bright blue to turbulent grays. Your thoughts are like clouds, appearing, changing shape, passing through, and then disappearing without a trace. The rain cleanses the sky, just as an emotional release cleanses your mind. The sky itself is your eternal awareness, unchanging underneath all these permutations. Let it reflect back to you your own abiding perfection. As you walk through the world, find your own metaphors for connectedness in nature. Flesh them out fully and follow them as they lead you through the mystery and intelligence of life.
Sunday, May 21, 2006
Saturday, May 20, 2006
Friday, May 19, 2006
We tend to associate youth with beauty, but the truth is that beauty transcends every age. Just as a deciduous tree is stunning in all its stages-from its full leafy green in the summer to its naked skeleton during winter and everything in between-human beings are beautiful throughout their life spans. The early years of our lives tend to be about learning and experiencing as much as we possibly can. We move through the world like sponges, absorbing the ideas of other people and the world. Like a tree in spring, we are waking up to the world. In this youthful phase of life, our physical strength, youth, and beauty help open doors and attract attention. Gradually, we begin to use the information we have gathered to form ideas and opinions of our own. As we cultivate our philosophy about life, our beauty becomes as much about what we are saying, doing, and creating as it is about our appearance. Like a tree in summer, we become full, expressive, beautiful, and productive. When the time comes for us to let go of the creations of our middle lives, we are like a tree in autumn dropping leaves, as we release our past attachments and preparing for a new phase of growth. The children move on, and careers shift or end. The lines on our faces, the stretch marks, and the grey hairs are beautiful testaments to the fullness of our experience. In the winter of our lives, we become stripped down to our essence like a tree. We may become more radiant than ever at this stage, because our inner light shines brighter through our eyes as time passes. Beauty at this age comes from the very core of our being-our essence. This essence is a reminder that there is nothing to fear in growing older and that there is a kind of beauty that comes only after one has spent many years on earth.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
He came to me on day of my birthday and offered himself to me. He wanted to give me a gift that would last a lifetime, something I will always remember. He felt that this was decision was coming from his heart fueled by a love so strong; nothing in Heaven or on earth could match its power and strength.
I humbly accepted this gift from God, it was so sweet, so beautiful, so tender words cannot express. I experimented with this ‘teenage’ cult. Never showing signs of fear, going the distance making my actions a reality, I drew what seemed to be my last breathe, embrace life and my gift. I bravely opened my soul and let him in that scared place, showing him that the true measure of a man’s character is not determined by world, but by what his heart says is true.
He called me his Morningstar; the one that shines with a brilliance that lights his darkest night. Not a day goes by that he isn’t grateful for the blessing of me in his life, I was chosen by God to be his savior. My very life honors his; I am the reflection of all that he ever hoped to be. The world may not know it yet, but it will be a better place because I am in it.
He kissed me; damn his lips were so tasty, so thin, and so perfect. I held his face in my hands, looked into his eyes, I am sure I saw a familiar soul, someone that I have known from a previous life. Our mouths locked, tongues fondled each other and our breathing was one. My fingers found his nipples, the barely touching the little bit of hair on his chest, playing with his navel. I tongue fuck his oldest wound till he couldn’t take it anymore damn he had a lot of energy. I thought he was going to die when I had his cock in my mouth; I sucked the hell out that shit, funny how much the human body can take. I thought about eating his ass but didn’t, I knew that he just wanted my dick, from the way I ran my finger up and down the crack of his ass told me that he was more than ready.
He closed his eyes, licked his lips and gently whispers my name as I took his body to that place of ecstasy. He thrust his abdomen forward as I entered him; he was so sweet, so tight just so right. He was like a whisper of gentle breeze on my skin, the sun that warms my face; I knew I had my special angel guiding me. He loved it so much I didn’t want it to end, I felt body responding to him, and I felt as if we were bonded for hours.
After the cloud of lust lifted, reality settled in and I knew that I have crossed the line, much like Adam & Steve; I too now know that I am naked. I now bear the burden of this act, an act so unspeakable, so treacherous…so fucking sweet. I know that in the history of the world, there has never been and will never be another HIM. He is so special and so unique, and God does not duplicate perfection. I have opened the flood gates and I can’t help myself anymore, I find myself wanting more, wanting him again. Fantasying about him in church, at work, day and night; he has marked my soul invade my logical mind and yet I would go there again…
Monday, May 15, 2006
Sunday, May 14, 2006
Why is my last name maternal?
...such confusion burns in me
Years of opportunities missed
Saturday, May 13, 2006
The journey of water as it flows upon the earth can be a mirror of our own paths through life. Water begins its residence on earth as it falls from the sky or melts from ice and streams down a mountain into a tributary or stream. In the same way, we come into the world and begin our lives on earth. Like a river that flows within the confines of its banks, we are born with certain defining characteristics that govern our identity. We are born in a specific time and place, within a specific family, and with certain gifts and challenges. Within these parameters, we move through life, encountering many twists, turns, and obstacles along the way just as a river flows. Water is a great teacher that shows us how to move through the world with grace, ease, determination, and humility. When a river breaks at a waterfall, it gains energy and moves on, as we encounter our own waterfalls, we may fall hard but we always keep moving on. Water can inspire us to not become rigid with fear or cling to what's familiar. Water is brave and does not waste time clinging to its past, but flows onward without looking back. At the same time, when there is a hole to be filled, water does not run away from it in fear of the dark; instead, water humbly and bravely fills the empty space. In the same way, we can face the dark moments of our life rather than run away from them. Eventually, a river will empty into the sea. Water does not hold back from joining with a larger body, nor does it fear a loss of identity or control. It gracefully and humbly tumbles into the vastness by contributing its energy and merging without resistance. Each time we move beyond our individual egos to become part of something bigger, we can try our best to follow the lead of the river.
Friday, May 12, 2006
Thursday, May 11, 2006
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
I am unique. There is no one else like me in the entire universe. In honor of my unique self, I acknowledge and embrace the special qualities that make me the person that I am, not comparing myself with others. I know its human nature to compare myself to others; especially if I think that they are better than me or have more of something that I want. Yet, I have found in truth that it is not a good use of time to compare myself with others because there is no one like me and this makes me incomparable. It is sometimes almost easier to look outside of myself and feel like I am deficient in comparison to other people rather than taking responsibility for my own progress in relation to the fulfillment of my lifepurpose. It actually takes more courage to be self-referential and look at myself to see whether I am measuring up to my standards or meeting my full potential. I know that I have a very special gift and I am here for a very specific reason. I have a life purpose to fulfill and with this come the lessons that I must learn and the circumstances that I must go through in order to evolve as a spiritual being.
Tuesday, May 9, 2006
Sunday, May 7, 2006
I know I will come out alive,
I thought I was wrong,
Then the lord asked me to change my world,
I can see it in the wind,
The tears shed floods the ground,
I levitate without motion,
I am awake now,
I trust that I am where I am suppose to be,
I have found my rainbow,
Saturday, May 6, 2006
Friday, May 5, 2006
I used to believe that this anger, this abstract, imposed-from-outside thing, controlled her. I believed that she could actually get rid of it. No more, though; I've learned that this anger is part of her, that its power comes from her. She isn’t aware of it and doesn’t know to avoid letting it control her. She constantly feeds it, giving it power like keeping snakes suspended above the lake.
I feel that she free-associate, a lot, spontaneously. Which is a normal thing, I've learned; I did a personality assessment and found that she is almost off the scale as an introvert and an intuitive, masking as an extrovert. I have found that introverted intuitives are people who see connections that other people don't see. Those connections often lead to triggers.
Her anger isn't necessarily a bad thing. It is corrosive and destructive. It is also extremely powerful, and can be used to accomplish amazing things IF it is harnessed, this is the problem with triggers. Her triggers are causes her to reach for her anger and makes her soul bitter. This presents the perfect opportunity that the ball of snake is waiting for, a chance to strike once again.
I wish she could/would get pass herself, not feel like she fading; stop associating herself with things, people that make her feel useless, unimportant and irritating. I wish that she uses her intuitive power and see things for what they are worth, not get hang up on the issues that ain't important. Love herself, stop trying to prove herself to herself and others, know that she is unique and doesn't need to fit in, she knows that she can't be molded like the rest of the world...Yet still she tries, making the world pay for her pain.
Thursday, May 4, 2006
From the beginning of time,
Monday, May 1, 2006
I CAN SHOW OR ANY GOOD THING
I CAN DO LET ME DO IT NOW.
PASS THIS WAY AGAIN.
Power Embodied, Bravery Defined!
Brilliance Projected, Integrity Refined!
Leaping Forward, & Always Abounding!
Born gay through god’s plan
Living gay through my plan
I bow to no man prejudices
I’ve dealt with my own imperfections
Now you learn to deal
Your issues will remain
So suppress me, stress me,
Your blissful high of ignorance is so knowledgeable
I know that we are all created equal,
Making us God's angels.
Society will not, cannot persecute this individual!
For in the centermost part of my being
I embrace the beauty and greatness of myself as a creation of GOD.
For within me there is a profound place
At whose edge I sit & dream
I cannot live by bread alone,
Nor will I live by your excuses.
So accept that I love the skin I'm in,
Despite the scratches,
I'm imperfect jus for me.
I know it’s hard to step out of your mindset,
View your conundrum with a fresh eye.
Diversity is about who we are
So shut your eyes to reality,
Invite your own destruction,
Pretend things aren't what they seem.
Project your evil as if it’s my own.
So as you sin against others,
Others sin against themselves,
I will not struggle with your internal and external homophobia
Dealing wit traumatizing events,
Playing hide n' seek like kids having no one to look for.
I see that your vision is clouded,
I know I am not a saint and I'm not made of stone,
The world has to admire me.
I am already despised and misunderstood,
But I am a great genius,
I'm certain of it.
I don’t fear perfection,
I will never reach it…
I am im (perfect)ion personified!