In my years of dating, I’ve managed to come across countless of gay men who wear their sex position on display. Dating is hard enough, but for LGBT men it can get a bit more complicated when the entire focus is on sex. Top, bottom, versatile becomes need-to-know information in order to land a second date, which makes me wonder has sex roles turned into non-negotiables?
Gay guys in particular put so much focus on sex roles. Straight people never have to deal with these kinds of things since it’s pretty clear who’s penetrating who, but for us it can be a game of rock, paper, scissor. Sex rules our entire culture today so it’s hard to separate yourself from these kinds of games. “Top,” “bottom,” and “versatile” has become a greeting in online or offline dating.
As much as we’d like to say that sex roles don’t affect our relationships, there comes a time when we all should question ourselves. I’ve seen firsthand the aftermath of such thinking and it hardly ever ends well. As someone who classifies himself as “versatile,” I’ve dated many “tops” and “bottoms” who’ve refused to do anything other than what they’re comfortable with. While I was thoroughly satisfied with the relationship, the fact that neither of them humored the idea of experimenting said a lot about their devotion to me. The sexual experiences (or lack of them) spoke a thousand words about our relationship. Needless to say, they both ended sooner than expected. I’m sure if we had been “total” opposites, things may have been different.
“Top” and “bottom” roles are not tied to our personalities or our character, so why has it turned into a major factor in deciding our compatibility with another man? It’s become a circus with studies that have said it’s possible to spot a “top” or “bottom” by the features on our faces. It’s turned into songs like “This Boy is a Bottom” which are all fine and hysterical to watch, but at some point the joke has turned into reality.
Human beings are capable of judging each other in every aspect of our lives, and I can’t help but think this is yet another aspect for us to judge. The “bottom” usually ends up being the butt of jokes while the “top” ends up getting the reputation of a slut or man whore. Both are viewed as having particular personalities, bottoms being feminine and tops being masculine. No matter which way you look at it, labels have blinded us from seeing the man beneath.
First impressions are everything in the dating world so it’s safe to say that the minute we see something wrong, we often back away slowly. Two bottoms or two tops in a relationship can make it work when their relationship is less about the sex and more about the devotion towards each other.
It takes more than sex to make a relationships last. Sex is a short-term act that’s nearly always led by the body. As much as we like to think our body is right, it’s not something to constantly depend on. As soon as we’re finished having sex, the urgings are gone and what’s left? If all you’re looking for in a man is a label, chances are, you’ll miss out on a lot more than you think.