Gay guys have their own relationship with sex, especially when we’re young and single. Nowadays it’s like online shopping: you swipe, you type, and we’re here – straight from the iPhone to your front door.
People have asked me how gay guys can keep the friendship intact after sleeping with their buddy. I used to think it was a stereotype, but then I thought about my own experiences. I have plenty of close friends where, after reminiscing, all the memories came back: “Oh yeah. We did hookup at that one party a few years ago, didn’t we…
I’ve thought long and hard about why gay guys find it easier to remain friends after hooking up, and I’ve come up with ten solid points:
#1) There aren’t romantic feelings to begin with.
When you enter with no romantic feelings, you’re probably going to end with the same outcome. Even if there’s a smidgen of a spark beforehand, it’ll most likely blossom into something bigger after hooking up – sex can do that. The friends I’ve hooked up with were mostly spontaneous and often fueled by physical attractiveness rather than personal interest.
#2) We were already friends before, so we knew each other too well.
It’s the “Oh my gosh, never! He’s like a brother to me” kind of thing. At the time we hooked up, we knew each other pretty well. We might not have been as close as we are now, but we were still friendly and hung out all the time, which means friendliness was already a part of our foundation. After having sex, we went back into habit and acted how we always did because the friendship already existed.
#3) I reserved “making love” for someone a little more special.
This is an issue many gay guys have. When you have sex as if you’re in love, you confuse your brain. You unconsciously train yourself to become attached to this person. For your own protection you need to save making love for a man you truly want to be with – not a spontaneous hookup with a friend. When you cross the line, not only will you confuse the friend but you’ll confuse yourself as well.
#4) Lust often prohibits emotions from entering.
Men are hunters and we want what we want when we need it. Sometimes the urge to have sex becomes so overwhelming that emotions are the last thing we think about. Add a bit of liquor and laughs to the mix, and who knows what will happen. Lust is powerful because it bends our logic – it makes us do crazy things that might be out of character for us.
#5) There was sexual tension with no chemistry.
Without chemistry there’s hardly any interest in wanting to know a person on a deeper level. But you don’t need chemistry to have sex, just tension. That tension appears when you least expect it, especially when there’s alcohol involved. Your inhibitions melt away and all that exists is a need to get off. It’s only when you actually have chemistry that you ought to think twice about pursuing him.
#6) There’s hardly any sex talk or build-up. Just sex, no strings.
It happens when it happens. You start kissing and before you know it, you’re hooking up. You didn’t wait days, weeks or months for the tension to build – that’s reserved for someone you really like. It happens spontaneously. Mind you, sometimes you start the night thinking there’s a chance you’ll end up hooking up, but you never go all in.
#7) We both get it.
We understand what it’s like. Men have an intuitive understanding that sex can be a tool as well as an expression. When we’re on the same page, it’s easy to do whatever we want with each other so long as we don’t veer away from the truth.
#8) We’re not depending on each other to validate our appeal.
Having sex with each other wasn’t a cry for attention or a need to feel validated. To be honest, we did it because we were there. As trashy or as “college freshman” as it sounds, it was just something to do. It meant nothing and most of the time it had nothing to do with a need to feel sexy or affirmed.
#9) It’s understood that when I’m alone with a certain person, we’re probably going to end up having sex.
We all have had friends who when we think about them, we say “Yep. We’re probably hooking up tonight.” You always do! We have our drinking friends, our emotional friends, our intellectual friends, and then we have our hookup friends: the ones who end up being the person we hookup with when no one else is interested. And that’s okay!
#10) We’ve become our own recreation.
It’s quite sad, really. Gay guys have expanded our treatment of one-night stand etiquette towards each other. The ones we know will be in our lives forever are smart enough not to cross the line with us. But our acquaintances, the men who appear every so often, are usually up in the running to be sex recreation objects. It doesn’t have to be a bad thing necessarily, but it’s definitely a direction a lot of gay guys seem to be heading. Sex is desensitizing itself. Is it a good or a bad thing? You decide.