TREVANTE RHODES SHINES IN MOONLIGHT, THIS FALL'S ESSENTIAL QUEER BLACK FILM

Trevante Rhodes doesn’t have much time to make an impression in the new film Moonlight. Along with child actors Alex Hibbert and Ashton Sanders, he’s one of three players embodying lead character Chiron at different stages of his life, and he doesn’t even appear until the final act. By then, Rhodes’s peers have done most of the legwork in giving shape to Chiron, a lonely Miami boy who’s quietly — and very slowly — coming to grips with being gay. But Rhodes doesn’t need a whole lot of time to tear your heart in half, and Moonlight’s finest scene rests on his sculpted shoulders. As a grown Chiron who’s adopted hypermasculinity for survival, the jacked Rhodes makes an achingly vulnerable confession to his childhood crush, Kevin (André Holland), who loo      ks on in the same way the audience does — as if he just watched a brick house implode.  

“One way I connected with Chiron is that, like him, I didn’t grow up with a father,” says Rhodes. “I think his lack of a male influence increased his need for love. But I’m also a hopeless romantic. I believe you find that one person who you’re supposed to be with, and I felt Chiron found that person early on.”

When Rhodes’s parents split, he was 4 and still living in his native New Orleans. At 10, he moved with his mother to Dallas, where a skill — but not a passion — for track and field would win him an athletic scholarship to the University of Texas at Austin. “Even then, I despised running,” says the 26-year-old, who these days prefers boxing. “But it was a means to pay for school.” According to Rhodes, his fit body was also his ticket into the industry. College sparked the actor’s interest in theater, but he was simply taking it as an elective while pursuing a degree in “petroleum land management.” And then he wound up topless in front of the right person.

“In my last year of college, I was jogging on campus with my shirt off,” Rhodes says. “A casting director saw me, waved me down, and said, ‘You have to be in my movie.’ That was the start.”

The movie in question, a Nicolas Cage vehicle, didn’t work out for Rhodes, but he did soon land a part in the 2014 short film Open Windows with Elijah Wood, followed by a stint on the Fox seriesGang Related, a gig on the yet-to-be-released HBO show Westworld, and a recurring role on Tyler Perry’s OWN comedy If Loving You Is Wrong. But none of that would compare to Moonlight, which opened Rhodes up to the world of gay playwright Tarell McCraney, whose semi-autobiographical work In Moonlight Black Boys Look Blue was adapted for the screen by writer-director Barry Jenkins (Medicine for Melancholy). 

“It was the best thing I’d ever read,” says Rhodes, who initially read for the role of Kevin before Jenkins offered him the lead. “I don't know how or why I got the opportunity to read it, but I was determined to book [the project].”

Rhodes is straight, but his close relationships with gay men and adjacencies to queer environments helped him sympathize with Chiron and connect with Moonlight’s emotional texture. One of Rhodes’s first friends in Dallas came out two years ago, and the pair remain best friends. “I knew what he went through, and I knew how hard it was for him to find himself,” Rhodes says. “We all have our insecurities.” A frequenter of clubs of all sorts, Rhodes says he was at West Hollywood’s gay hot spot the Abbey on the night before Orlando’s Pulse nightclub shooting. (Some believe the Abbey was a target of James Howell, the armed man who was nabbed by police while allegedly en route to Los Angeles Pride.)

“Our country is shit right now,” Rhodes says, pointedly. “Being a black person in America right now is shit, being a homosexual in America right now is shit, and being a black homosexual is the bottom for certain people. That’s why I’m so excited for people to see Moonlight. I don’t feel like there’s a solution for our problems, but this movie might change people. That’s why you do it — because you feel like you’re doing something that matters. This is someone’s story.”

Indeed, Moonlight feels like a movie of the moment. For all the effortless ebbs and flows of its nuanced progression, it offers forthright, unapologetic depictions of blackness and queerness, at a time when the visibility of both is vital. It features an all-black cast, takes place in an unequivocally black world (specifically, a small pocket of Miami at the height of the War on Drugs), and portrays Chiron’s experience with gay sex as healthy and formative (rarely has a movie made such elegant yet unabashed acknowledgments of ejaculation). It’s meaningful, too, that, barring a final shot, Rhodes is the last version of Chiron we see. He’s ostensibly strong yet terribly fragile, and, as Rhodes can attest, there’s a timeliness to that.

“I was in Virginia filming a movie recently, and while walking down the street, I was being followed by a police car,” the actor says. “I was just walking to the gym. I knew I was being followed, I looked back, and they made eye contact. They didn’t pretend to not be following me. I turned back and continued to walk. Being in that situation was the most frightening thing in the world to me.” 

True to his self-described romanticism, Rhodes speaks often of love. It doesn’t sound corny or “Kumbaya”-esque — it seems like a desperate plea on repeat. “Is there no way to make anything better?” he asks. “The only thing people need to do is love one another — for who they are and who they love.” However fleeting, there are rapturous moments in Moonlight that make you believe it could be that simple.

SOURCE: OUT DOT COM

¿WHY ARE CLOSETED MEN SO HARD TO DATE?

Typically men who are not out are open with those they date about being in the closet to family and friends. They can often lead a life that from the outside appears in double: One with their gay friends and lovers and another with family, friends and coworkers. 

How can a man be out with some people, especially their romantic partners, but not with others they care for? Despite the confusion the paradox is necessary to explore their same sex feelings and attractions.

To understand, we need to first debunk the myth that coming out happens all at once, as if it's a one time event. In most cases, men curious about sex and relationships with other men do not disclose their feelings all at once. It happens in stages, based most often on the circumstances of the guy's life.

Another myth is that once he comes out, he's out for good. In some instances, just the opposite happens, especially if he's outed or is feeling an immense amount of pressure to be open. Unfortunately, these circumstances make it frustratingly difficult, or nearly impossible, to date them. Literally, one minute they're in and the next their out.

Closeted men are in constant conflict with themselves and their surroundings. They understand that they are attracted to other men, but cannot reconcile these feelings with how to live life. For this reason, it's not unusual for a guy who is not out to play out the immense conflict they experience in their relationships with lovers and others.

They are being pulled in two different directions that can often be in conflict: a life lived based on their true desires or one that fits with tradition or the most dominant view in society. 

Ultimately, what a closeted gay man lacks is complete confidence. Full, unwavering, confidence comes in the belief that they will not be truly happy until they begin to live their authentic lives despite the difficulties they might encounter for being who they really are. Many closeted men rest in the fear that their support systems, such as family or friends or coworkers, will reject or treat them differently if they disclose that they are gay or bisexual. While these fear may not be unfounded, they are neither a guarantee nor a way to live. Denying our true attractions to mitigate uncomfortable situations elsewhere will not make us happy. In fact, it will only intensify the turmoil and tensions experienced on a daily basis.

To live as you really are is true freedom. To deny this is to live for others and not ourselves. Of course this easier said than done, which is why the path to coming out and being absolutely free takes absolute courage. How can this courage be achieved? And how can their partners support them?

The first step to living with courage as a gay man is embracing your sexuality in whatever way it expresses itself and trusting that no matter what difficulties arise, we possess the ability to overcome them by maintaining an absolute belief that a happy and open life is worth fighting for through the hardship.

For the lovers and partners of closeted men, support comes in awareness. You cannot control the turmoil of another's emotions anymore than a tornado can be controlled by a wish. This awareness dictates that you as his partner or lover must remain centered in your own courage and convictions to live your life authentically as well. This does not mean that you are obliged to put up with the storm or that you must take the tensions he may play out without complaint. You must be as clear about your limits and boundaries as he is about his.

And if the wind hits the windows and he pushes you away to maintain his previous life, you must be a brick and know when to hold strong and when to walk away. The wisdom to act doesn't ease the pain this situation may cause, but part of an awareness (and risk) of dating someone in the closet is understanding that this potential pain is part of the journey that both you and he agreed to. At any time this can change, which makes it clear that every moment with him must be lived fully and that if those moments should end, it's most likely for the best.

SOURCE: GAY LIFE {ABOUT DOT COM}

BEFORE YOU & YOUR PARTNER CONSIDER THAT OPEN RELATIONSHIP

Not all relationships are one-on-one standards. Some couples choose to open their arms to other partners through open relationships, cuckolding or polyamory. Follow these precautions before you increase the numbers:

Get agreement.
If you've been toying with the idea of opening up your relationship, talk about your desires with your partner. Be open about your thoughts and clear about your expectations.

Don't force the issue.
If your man is not into the idea of multiples, don't force him into the situation. If he's the more cautious in your relationship give him time to figure out if he is comfortable with the idea of adding a third. 

Be willing to walk away.
If your idea of cuckolding or a threesome is overridden, don't harbor resentment or (again) force your partner to participate. If you can, walk away from the idea. If you can't live without your desires, then seek agay-affirmative therapist with experience in sexuality to help you negotiate your fantasies with your relationship.

Discuss the terms.
If your partner agrees to explore this new world, then discuss the terms of your experimentation. Perhaps you will only try it once to see if you like it. Perhaps you agree on other terms of the arrangement, like the logistics of finding the third person. Plan before you act, regardless of the terms.

Establish a safe word.

Remember, your partner's comfort and your relationship trumps the fantasy, so establish a safe word that either of you can use in case things go wrong or one of you should feel uncomfortable. This word should be the ultimate fail safe and non-negotiable. The moment the word is spoken, the activity stops.

Practice safer sex.
A good couple of hours can have life-long consequences if you don't protect yourself. Practice safer sex even if you and your previously monogamous partner didn't use condoms before. Choose from these top condoms for gay men.

Recap the event.
Talk about the situation afterward. Obviously, wait until your third party leaves. Discuss your feelings and revisit the rules of your explorations. Keep in mind that by opening the door to a third or more, you run the risk of either of you or your partner establishing an emotional connection with someone outside of the relationship. Multiple person relationships and open scenarios can work, but they take constant communication and check-ins with all parties involved. Remember, the health of your relationship should always take priority over a good time.

SOURCE: ABOUT DOT COM

BRING IN 2K15 WITH THESE HELPFUL TIPS

It's a new year, which means it's also resolution time. I have to say, I'm not completely on board with making life changes once a year and all at once, for that matter. Change is hard, particularly big life changes. Saving the opportunity to do something different for yourself or those around you during the holiday hangover lessens the chance of success. Once the buzz of motivation wears off in the grey months of February and March, keeping pace with a load of goals is difficult at best. 

I find greater success happens when every day is treated as a potential new start and new year. When you begin each day as an opportunity for growth, goals become a part of life and not just a novelty in the beginning of the new year. Spacing out goals, such as losing weight or tanking the cigarettes, gives the opportunity to adjust to the change and enjoy the success. Then the little victories can become motivation for new to-do's on the list.

More than likely you already have a few goals in mind. Just in case, here's a list that can help you get started. 

1.  Ged Rid of the Shame and Guilt

Our lives are a mirror of what we feel inside. Often we attract the people, things and situations that reflect how we view ourselves. Why is this important?

For many of us, shame and guilt are a regular part of our lives. Some of this negativity could come from previous religious experiences, but for gay men in particular shame and guilt are byproducts of being in the closet. Often when we come out it is full steam ahead with living our lives in the open.

However, few of us take the time get rid of the shame and guilt associated with being gay in environments that tell us that it's unnatural or wrong to be who we are. They are sometimes subtle and other times overwhelmingly blatant. What's important is not where it comes from, but making sure that if there is an residual feelings about being gay, having same sex relationships or sex, that enough time is devoted to ridding your life of any negative feelings that may be holding you back.

Besides ridding ourselves of seemingly perpetual drama and negative experiences, committing to taking care of our "inside" is an addictive experience that brings more good will and better times to our lives.

2.  Share Some Courage

Whether you welcome the end of 2013 or are mourning its end, look back on the things you've overcome or the lessons you've learned and share them with others. Sure, you could become a serial poster of Facebook feel good quotes. But it's a better idea to take a look around you and share a helping hand or story of courage with someone who might not be in a good place at the moment. 

Also, sharing your experiences, no matter how vulnerable it makes you feel, could be exactly the hope someone needs even if they don't say it out loud.

3.  Volunteer

Along these lines, why let your life lessons go to waste when you can also help guide a young LGBT person? There are more out pop culture figures than ever, but nothing beats an in-person role model. Career guidance to life coaching, there are many ways you can help LGBT youth. Start by volunteering for a youth group at your local gay community center.

4.  Wave Your Flag

There's a lot going on in gay politics right now, and you don't have to be a politician to make a difference. Most of the news is surrounding same sex marriage which is available in more places around the world and states than ever before. Still, there are plenty of issues that affect all LGBT people, like immigration rights, adoption and financial equality.

You can make a difference by taking advantage of the many opportunities to joint he fight for equal rights. Here are 10 ways you can help.

5.  Get Tested

The anxiety of getting an HIV test and the fear of a life-changing result is overwhelming, but the freedom that comes along with knowing your status is worth the tension. Why leave your health up to chance? Understand HIV/AIDS and read the top reasons to get an HIV test.

6.  Come Out

Coming out is a process that unfolds at your own pace. This may be the year for you to be free! The first step to understanding your sexuality is self-reflection. Don't skip this important step on your way out of the closet. Get to know yourself this New Year and create the life you desire. Follow these steps to coming out.

7.  Kick The Habit

Bad influences come in many forms: drug and alcohol addiction, sex addiction or even that cute guy who tells you he can't have sex while wearing a condom. You don't have to be a victim. Besides, doing drugs and barebacking is so last year! Create a brand new you in a brand new year by kicking an old habit and knowing your boundaries. Recognize your own addictions and test your safe sex practices.

8.  Get Fit

While some vow they will finally get a gym membership this upcoming year, other veteran gym bunnies resolve that they will actually work out at the gym instead of cruising boys and talking to their friends. Lift a bar bell or two and work on that V. Just make sure you do it for you and not because you want to join the parade of shirtless guys at the club. Also, read about gay men and Body Dysmorphic Disorder.

SOURCE: ABOUT DOT COM