ON BEING BLACK, HIV-POSITIVE & STATISTIC RESISTANT

Whenever new statistics emerge about the impact of HIV on the lives of young black gay men (same-gender loving/men who sleep with men), we need to not only be careful about how we receive them, but how we use and share that information.

Black gay men have been hearing this for years; we know the odds are against us and we know it’s partially due to the behaviors we need to change, the conversations we need to have, and a pill we need to take. What we also know too well though are the systemic barriers that fuel the epidemic in our community and the social determinants that have us at a disadvantage.

It was reported that: 1 in 2 black gay men will be living with HIV by the age of 35. This projection about us is just a substantiation of what we’ve been seeing in our social circles, especially here in Charlotte and even more so in large cities like Atlanta, Washington, DC and New York City. It’s best for us not to perpetuate the fear and hopelessness these bleak statistics inspire. Instead, it is crucial to remain focused on addressing the barriers to our community winning this fight: cultural incompetence among medical providers, as well as a lack of adequate wraparound social services to retain young black men in care top that list. We also have to be intentional about encouraging and empowering young black men to show up to this fight in their strength.

Living this life, navigating the healthcare system with the compounded stigmas of our blackness, sexuality, and virus, is discouraging enough. Constant reassurance that we’re playing a losing game is clearly not an effective prevention tool and does not inspire us to overcome. It’s time we recognize that infographics are best used among HIV/AIDS service providers and CDC statisticians, not blasted on social media where they perpetuate stigma and fear of and among us.

SOURCE: MUSED MAG

WHEN BEING A GAY UNCLE ISN’T GOOD ENOUGH – FIGURING OUT HOW TO HAVE KIDS

        Lately I’ve had a case of what I guess we can call baby fever.

I’ve been infatuated with the children of my family and friends but I’ve been wondering what mine would be like: Will they be outgoing? Will their mouths be smart as hell? On a scale of cute to fine as hell, how attractive will they be? Do I even have the patience to be with a child that might have the same temperament and demeanor as I do?

If there is a bright side to this dilemma it is that I don’t have to deal with a mini-me because one of us wouldn’t make it.

The harsh reality that a gay man (or two gay men) cannot have a child has begun to stand boldly in my face as of late. Although circumstances are different, we know the adoption process does not favor two men. Most people want to have children, women want the perfect circumstances; a guy that they love and a stable environment. At a certain point women really begin to feel the pressure, the ticking sound of the biological clock seemingly grows louder and louder. Women that want a child often have the tools (and/or resources) to have one and live a lifestyle that is conducive to reproduction. A gay men on the other hand simply cannot. Working on creating the correct circumstances is something that I’d much rather work on than deal with the reality that no matter what happens I cannot have children on my own.

Don’t you think that you would have the most awesome kids ever?

My mother is a still making chicks 20 years her junior mad and my father was a genius so that basically makes me thee prototype. These genes need to live!! However the fact is, there is a strong 98% chance that my genes won’t live and what a waste.

When being an uncle just isn’t enough, there are only a few other options that exist:

Have a planned baby with a female friend.

I’m not the only person who has had these conversations with their female friends. “If I’m not married on my 28th birthday, I’m slipping something in your drink so you can be my baby daddy. Our kids will be cute, think about it.” Quite honestly, nothing needs to be slipped in my drink. What if your friend does find a man? What if she gets pregnant before then? What if y’all fall out? I can see this plan going south quickly.

Pretend you’re straight, get married to a woman, take pills to have sex, have a few kids and live a life where you’re unhappy.

Go through the long, long and long adoption process.

As far as my brown eyes can see, this is the answer. There are millions of wonderful children who need a loving home. There are children who through no fault of their own are homeless, abused and hungry. My leading option is to adopt, nurture, raise, teach and love at least one of these children and make sure that they reach their full potential.

Making plans to have children with someone I am not in a relationship with is not practical when there are already children here who- for lack of a better term- need me. At this point in my life, I still need to accomplish a few more goals before I consider adopting. However, I am forever thinking about ways to have children of my own.

Do you ever think about having children? What options are you considering?

SOURCE: MUSED MAG

REBUILDING COMMUNITY AS HIV PREVENTION

“How does it feel to be a problem?”

W.E.B. Du Bois invoked this question as it applied to the state of Black people at the turn of the century in his seminal work, The Souls of Black Folk, back in 1903. In 2014, this question can be posed to Black gay men in the South as it relates to the HIV epidemic. However, we know that Black gay men living in the South are not the problem. Black gay men coming together to build stronger communities is a key component in curbing the alarmingly high rates of HIV we see in our community, particularly among young Black gay men.

It seems that in this current moment when virtual community spaces have at once highlighted the continuing need for real community spaces and replaced them, perhaps our task is less about reinventing the process of community building and more about remembering, since we do not have to look too far back in our history to see examples of how Black gay men created beloved community in the face of this epidemic.

At a recent conference at Emory University, Professor Darius Bost of San Francisco State University presented his work on Black gay men’s HIV/AIDS activism in Washington, DC during the early 1980s. I was moved by the stories of how Black gay men came together as a community, and with few resources, provided care and support for their brothers who had fallen ill. The late 1990s in Atlanta saw a similar creation of a number of community spaces dedicated to promoting Black gay men’s wellness, including but not limited to HIV. While we can certainly see the contemporary legacy of these earlier moments of community-building in some of the programs offered by AIDS service organizations, most of these spaces have disappeared. The loss of leaders of many of these spaces and the lack of intergenerational dialogue that could transmit the knowledge of what had been done before created a context that would make it difficult to sustain these vital community spaces.

While I acknowledge that the exigencies of the HIV epidemic during earlier times called for a different response than it does now, and at the risk of sounding like I am romanticizing the past, how can we bring back some of the love ethic that appeared to characterize these earlier moments into our contemporary HIV prevention efforts?

James Baldwin once said that “The place in which I fit will not exist until I make it.” Black gay men are responsible for and capable of building the communities that we know will support us in living full and healthy lives. Perhaps a deeper appreciation of our history as a community, as well as a commitment to creating better institutional memory and intergenerational dialogue in the future, may offer paths towards building stronger community in our present.

SOURCE: MUSEDMAG

HOW ‘COMING OUT’ SEMANTICS REINFORCE HETEROSEXISM FOR QUEER PEOPLE OF COLOR

The “coming out” paradigm has become rather mainstream (which I actually think is a good thing). But as a result of the mass appeal of “coming out,” it has become sexy and trendy to critique the process of “coming out” for how it reinforces heterosexism. The critique has some validity. After all, why don’t heterosexual people have to “come out” of the closet? However, I resist asserting that the “coming out” paradigm is completely useless or unproductive.

“Empire” television series star Jussie Smollet appeared on Ellen DeGeneres’ talk show ostensibly to promote the series and to speak about his portrayal of Jamal Lyon. However, the interview quickly turned personal as DeGeneres seemed to imply a connection between Jamal Lyon’s “coming out” in a recent “Empire” episode and Smollet’s own personal life.

Smollet answered without hesitation that there “is no closet” he has ever existed within. Mainstream LGBT-themed media outlets like The Advocate quickly published stories about Smollet’s “coming out” on DeGeneres’ show. After seeing some of these articles, I came across a segment about Smollet’s statement on writer Janet Mock’s MSNBC show “So Popular,” and her discussion of Jussie Smollet’s interview initiated my own meditation on queer visibility. Indeed, every LGBTQ-themed publication, writer and activist seemed to ready to voice an opinion about what the “Empire” actor’s statement means or does not mean for the visibility of queer people.

In her segment on “So Popular”, Janet Mock mentioned “inviting in” as an alternative language and framework for how lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and queer people choose to announce themselves to the world. I believe that this is also a valid choice for queer people.

But I think what is missing in this push and pull between “mainstream” and “radical” is the fact that many of us existed in contexts in which we were given neither of these choices. For people like myself who have never “passed for heterosexual” (not that I believe “passing” is at all liberating), “coming out” and “inviting in” are not really options because people are perpetually speculating about us, discussing our business, and often “inviting themselves” into our spaces.

Indeed, many of us existed in spaces where our sexualities were so ruthlessly pathologized that “coming out” would have been an invitation for all kinds of violence and abuse. Concurrently, there were not many trustworthy or safe people to “invite in” – people with whom to discuss our fears, our despondencies. So we formulated our own pragmatic tactics for navigating these hostile environments.

I threw myself into my schoolwork. I kept quiet. I kept my head down, and I prayed that people would just leave me alone because I was filled with such a profound sense of shame and fear.

After all of the language policing and intellectualizing, I wonder what makes sense for those of us who have existed and continue to exist in geographies of virulent queer antagonism and shame. Are either “coming out” or “inviting in” viable choices for us? How do we work against an LGBTQ assimilation politics while also respecting that some of our people are still lacking choices? Can we work towards having the most available choices for queer people and resist getting trapped in discussions around language?

Lesbian, gay and bisexual youth are still four times more likely than their straight peers to commit suicide. I believe that any measure of visibility, no matter how mainstream, creates a glimmer of hope for these youth. Let the people who want to “come out,” come out. Let the people who want to “invite in,” invite people in. But respect the rest of us who choose alternative methods of navigating a heterosexist world.

SOURCE: MUSDED MAG

#LOVEWINS, BUT THE FIGHT FOR BLACK LGBTQ MUST CONTINUE

I believe I will meet a man someday.  A man that will take my breathe away every time he walks into the room.  A man who will support, affirm and love me for the person I am.  He will be more than my better half;  he will be my better whole.

Earlier this morning, like a Beyoncé lyric, the “world stopped” as the gavel came down like the Hammer of Thor.  What was once only thought of as a dream became a reality and a federal law: Same-sex marriage is now a right in the United States of America.

As a queer black man I deserve it. As members of the black LGBTQ community we deserve this and have fought hard for this day.  To know that I can be happy and blissfully in love with my partner HUSBAND and it be recognized under the law brought tears to my eyes. It was quite convenient how we had a separation of “church” and “state” in matters of the Judicial system except when it comes to the laws of same-sex marriage, which are overly biased based on principles from the bible.  With the 5-4 decision today, I won, we won, and love has truly won.

Now granted, the institution of marriage itself is truly about love, but the contract binding two people together is also about business. With marriage comes the merging of health insurance, property, assets, and liabilities. This becomes important when certain life decisions must be made as a couple like purchasing a car, home and other life-changing decisions. Decisions like life or death that we once worried about, we now will no longer have to stress.

I will celebrate today. I might even celebrate some this weekend, but I know that the fight must continue for the black LGBTQ community.  As much as many I want to rejoice, we know this is a hollow victory in the grand scheme of how our lives are viewed in society. (See the Charleston massacre).  Today’s decision, in many ways is like putting makeup on a pig.  You dress it up nice, make it look good but at the end of the day it is still a pig. For us that pig remains to be black trans violence, homelessness, health disparities, erasure, racism, marginalization, and the list goes on.

So as important as it may be to show the solidarity in this decision, it can’t come at the price of negating that we still have to fight for our place in society.  Same-sex marriage equality means nothing, if within days of my marriage I could be fired for being gay. This decision will only help if it is about the inclusion of all persons of the LGBTQ spectrum, while also ensuring that with the equality there comes equity for those whose marginalization is much different than myself. The work must continue by pushing the narrative forward even harder than we fought in the past. Making sure laws like ENDA are passed for the protection of those persons getting married is now more important than ever.

So again, I am happy like many of my brothers and sisters.  So I will turn up today, because tomorrow the fight must continue.

Unapologetically.

SOURCE: MUSED MAG

CONDOMLESS HOOKUPS & THE POLITICAL, EMOTIONAL RESISTANCE OF BLACK GAY MEN

As someone who finds himself very invested in seeing the eradication of HIV, it would seem contradictory for me to participate in condomless sex. Yet, I have done it. Although I do not advocate for everyone to go about having condomless sex, I do think it is a point of interest for us, as Black gay men, to examine why study after study continues to demonstrate that we are ineffectively using condoms. And that part of that reason is because of physical pleasure.

The general consensus is that physical pleasure is one of the reasons why people decide to not use condoms, especially considering the documented effectiveness of consistent condom use and the increasing availability of them. However, what is missing from the conversation is how pleasure is not only related to the physical sensations that are felt when someone’s body parts are wrapped around another’s penis, but that pleasure can also be an emotional experience for those people. That there can be an essence of eroticism, intimacy, and connectedness occurring when two or more people exchange fluids and come together in a moment of pleasure and climax.

My most recent experience having condomless sex was very unintended. The person, whom we shall call Joe*, was a new sexual partner and a complete sweetheart. Joe opened up his home to me, cooked me a Ghanaian dinner, engaged in cuddles and conversation, and just when things could not get any better, he kissed me. From there we found ourselves in his bedroom. The passion was high and our bodies seemed to know each other’s needs and desires. Thus, by the time we were ready to penetrate and be penetrated, I did not need to ask about Joe’s HIV-status, the last time he was tested, or if he took PrEP daily. I only needed Joe physically and emotionally inside of me. The moment of penetration was glorious because it did not warrant thoughts about risk or seroconverting. I only thought about how deep the moment was for us—how I was feeling with and trusting of another Black gay man. I only conceived of how I was building solidarity with someone like me. Snapping myself out of that moment and into the reality of the situation was not what I wanted or needed.

The emotions and feelings crafted within my narrative can translate into the experiences of club hookups, back alley fucking, or no-string-attachments and monogamous relationships. It is more than just the physical that Black gay men are seeking, but it is the emotional and spiritual that guides our behaviors as well. We use condomless sex to survive the realities of being whom and what we are, to reassure ourselves that we are not void of love, eroticism, resilience and intimacy, and to exchange that reassurance with other men like us. Prevention interventions that are focused on condom efficacy must address that reality.

My experiences navigating and researching sexual risk as a Black gay man from the South taught me to not be solely interested in how we can get Black gay men to consistently use condoms or PrEP effectively; as other studies will demonstrate, individual-level behaviors are not and should not be our only concern. I am simultaneously vested in how my community and I can traverse and dismantle structural-level oppressions while we gain a more political voice, build coalitions, and engage in more moments of solidarity and love with each other. All of which will help improve our health outcomes and well-being.

SOURCE: MUSED MAG

BLACK MEN ARE MUCH, MUCH MORE THAN OUR BLACKNESS & MALENESS

Throughout my two decades- give or take- years of existence, I have come to compile a short list of things that I have yet to understand, wrap my head around, and fully figure out:

1.   The mechanics of love and relationships

2.   The mechanics of cars

3.   The proper usage of the word “irony”

4.   The appeal of Benedict Cumberbatch

5.   And navigating black male spaces

*Especially navigating black male spaces.

As someone who embraces their blackness, queerness, and presence on the spectrum where masculinity and femininity blur and coalesce, I’ve never felt as though my performance of black masculinity has been congruent to the version of black masculinity that myself, society, and many other black men have been seduced into regarding as “correct, acceptable, and “appropriate”.

I mean, I’ve never been one to pledge allegiance to a specific sports team or express enthusiasm over conversations concerning some athlete’s career stats and recent highlights (I’m more of the type to hype up the Grammys over the Super Bowl and delve into a discussion about Beyoncé’s recent feminist awakening). I’ve never been one to smother my emotions or put in overtime to become the embodiment of “hard” (I can be incredibly vocal about how I feel, sometimes to the point of being regarded as too sensitive or as blunt as a mallet). I’ve never been one who has felt a need to assert a certain sense of dominance and control (in personality and physicality, I’m quite possibly the antithesis of what it means to be domineering). I’ve never been one to possess the brand of cool that’s so often associated with black men (I mean, I’m not exactly sure if swagger and I have ever met).

While I’ve come to understand what’s touted as being “proper” black masculinity is nothing more than a construction that’s riddled with dangerous stereotypes and assumptions. Understanding this hasn’t stopped me in the past (and even now) from feeling as though my black masculinity was inadequate, lessening my ability to be comfortable in certain predominantly black male spaces.

Even to this day, a shiver of nervousness passes through me whenever I enter my local barber shop to receive my usual haircut. In this almost mythic place of black male fellowship, philosophy-making, lecture-giving, culture-creating, culture-critiquing, and banter, I always feel as though I don’t quite fit in. I feel intimidated by the other black men who seem to execute perfect black masculinity so well, and I feel insecure about what my intersection of maleness and blackness looks like. Without my brand of black masculinity being mirrored back to me and regardless of how others in the barbershop perceive me, something in me feels as though only walk-ins and not my version of black masculinity isn’t welcome.

These feelings of nervousness and intimidation and insecurity and alienation and uncertainty have bled over, and have been replicated in other spaces where I have had to interact with other black men: When I’m in the company of my father (who’s in the Navy) and two younger brothers (who’re student athletes). When I’m within a circle of black male relatives during the holidays. When I’m at university functions that are catered towards the black kids on campus. It’s frustrating to feel varying degrees of discomfort in these moments and spaces because black men are my friends. My family. My–as a gay, black man–lovers. They’re the ones, probably more than anyone else, that I should be able to relate to, see myself in, and feel comforted by.

While I may never figure out how love works or how cars operate or when to use “irony” or why certain sects of the population find Benedict Cumberbatch so delectable, I’m beginning to see, more and more, that understanding how to navigate black male spaces may be less difficult than I’ve always thought. It just involves a bit of work and growth on my part.

For one, I have to see my own idea of what it means to be black and male as being legitimate, versus comparing my black masculinity to a version that I’ve internalized as being more acceptable and more right. There are millions of black men across the globe, and so I have to believe that there are millions of ways of performing black masculinity- including my own- that are valid (regardless of whether or not they come into conflict with what’s preconceived as being ideal black masculinity). Also, I have to realize that black men are much, much more than their maleness and blackness, meaning that my interactions with black men don’t have to be wholly dictated by my being “black” or “masculine” enough. I can connect and relate to other black men on so many other levels. All in all, it’s evident that I have to work to unlearn  and release all that I’ve absorbed regarding blackness and masculinity (via the media, academia, religious figures, various schoolyard bullies, etc.) in order to be at peace with who I am and feel deserving of being in black male spaces. Instead of looking externally for acceptance, I have to give permission to myself to be accepted.

SOURCE: MUSED MAG

‘PLEASE LET US BE LIKE YOU’ – SAME-SEX MARRIAGE EQUALITY'S FAILURE

Previously, my dissatisfaction around the same-sex marriage equality movement has centered on the fact that this movement mostly validates wealthy white queer people.

And that is still true.

A larger part of my unease rests in the fact that same-sex marriage equality does not solve for the copious layers of injustice that still weigh queer folks of color down every single day.

And that is also still true.

But moreover, as I really reflect on this movement, it has just seemed to be a profound effort of energy in such a narrow direction. So much money, protests, body power, and organization—all in the effort of participating in the same institution as straight people. An institution, by the way, which itself fails nearly half of the people who engage with it. Same-sex marriage equality should not have been the crowning LGBTQ victory of our time, and sadly, on its own terms, it still could have been about so much more.

While I honor and recognize the queer folks who aspire to marriage, my fear is that those marriages will remain circumscribed within the vast anti-LGBTQ attitudes that still permeate this country. Those attitudes still exist not just because they are inevitable, but because I doubt that marriage equality has truly or meaningfully made most folks in this country fundamentally reevaluate their notions of love, family, gender, or sexual orientation. This movement did not show us gregarious and righteous drag queens, self-loving trans folks, or resilient poor queer folks of color trying to love each other. Nor did it showcase their struggles for acceptance within their families, the challenges of being queer and finding love with one another. Instead, it was an emotional appeal to dominant norms. We were inundated with (mostly white) depictions of cisgender, visually unthreatening, lovers who quite simply wanted to get married. The message: we are no different than you; we just want our picket fences, our two children and a dog just like you. Please let us be just like you!

But quite frankly, queer folks in many ways are quite different from cisgender straight folks, and any movement centered around us should not be about grinding us into similarities, but rather teaching us to function as a country with profound difference. Problematically, we live in a country where “normalcy,” “sameness,” and “equal treatment under the law,” often get conflated. Our kids are told, “treat no one differently because we are all the same.” When what we should be saying is, “we are all vastly different, embrace difference, and you need to be able to sacrifice your comfort for another’s difference.” That notion needs to be further contextualized via states and institutions. As a matter of policy and politics, it doesn’t make sense to treat everyone the same. For instance, it doesn’t make sense to expect a double amputee to be able to make it to work via the same mechanisms as an able-bodied person. A pregnant woman should have different provisions for work during her pregnancy. Someone born economically disenfranchised should have different institutional supports to help them afford college as opposed to someone born wealthy. As a society that prides itself on embracing difference, these are the things we must do. In the same way that a parent understands that their children have different needs, so should we understand that our multi-faceted society with beautifully different people should be treated with humane and equitable social and institutional difference.

This is fundamentally where the marriage equality movement falls short for me. It was politically framed not as a radical reconstruction of love, but rather as an effort toward normalcy. It was a needed movement yes, because all people should be allowed basic equal rights. But I fear that part of what made the movement so palpable to all was that it did not bring a great challenge to notions of family, sexuality, and love. Sure let the gays get married, seems to be the consensus. But some of the same people who don’t mind “gay marriage,” will be the same people who will shame their sons and daughters the next day when they find a text to someone of the same gender. These will be same the same people who will smile and say, “they should be able to get married under the law,” but still believe that queer folks are hellbound. These will be the people who will say, “you’re gay and I love it because you still act like a man.” (Whatever the hell that means.) In the same way that someone can claim that they are not a racist, and yet clutch their purse when they see a black man approaching them, I fear that people will claim they are not “homophobic,” but in function and form will still be quite different.

Nevertheless, a victory is a victory, and progress is progress; however small. But we have so much more to do. If the country is serious about this marriage equality thing, we will need it to push it to honor its commitment. Is it prepared to make provisions for the homophobic churches that will inevitably deny folks marriage? Is it prepared to support the poor queer folks who cannot afford to get married? Are their healthcare workers and counselors equipped to negotiate the challenges of queer families? The questions abound.

This movement could have been an opportunity for a real conversation and dialogue about love. But it was not, and quite frankly that probably led to its success. This is no one’s “fault,” of course, but if we are really in the fight for “love,” than now is the time to ask better questions, be better listeners, and make better demands. I do not want the marriage equality movement to be another hollow victory of America, where antagonistic attitudes and true suffering gets wrapped up in pretty legislation. Marriage equality is here, so let’s continue to do the work to make sure it actually means something.

SOURCE: MUSED MAG

A LOVE PROSE FOR BLACK GAY BROTHERS

“This is for my brothers who dare to love other brothers in a revolutionary way.”

Writing to you is an exercise in self-love and holistic restoration. I am called to reckon with the promise of my future, the depths of my own greatness, accessed and denied. You are the world. It has been said that black is the absence of light, ain’t it funny how they always get that wrong? The tea is, blackness is the essence of creation, a potpourri of the creative ingredients of existence. Blackness, unbought, unbossed and unrestrained is the building block of color and from its presence, our presence, your presence, derives all things.

“This is for the man-child, always man, sometimes child, because duality is how we make it to tomorrow.”

My thoughts drift to you often, my BlaQueer brothers. Flesh deep, varied and enduring as that of the earth on which we stand. Arms strong and versatile enough to hold masculinities, femininities and the journey of ancestors close. You are rhythmic, moving through the compounded obstacles of society step-by-step, death-dropping over stigma, tossing shade to the bright lights of white supremacy and sashaying truths of our over-comings through your very existences.

“This is for limp wrist warriors, full of sugar, dripping honey and snatching the creative energy of the cosmos.”

You are a soul ballad; stitching together the complex realities of our fraught existences with an in-articulable presence that commands and requires respect, resolve and r/evolution. You are a Cosmos; within you exists a constellation of brilliant expressions of perfect imperfections.

“This is for the choir boys, ministers, and ushers praying, hoping and calling for Heaven—here and now—who refuses to divide black from queer, queer from male and Him into itty, bitty, homophobic bite-size pieces..”

You are queer, trans, gay, bi, and same-gender-loving. You are father, son, brother, uncle, cousin, and homie. You are truth-seeker, griot, artist, scholar, activist, organizer, writer, singer, designer, athlete, lawyer, educator, trend-setter, and him. You are him. He who is sensitive yet indestructible, authentic yet ever-evolving, sexually breathtaking and intellectually stupefying. 

“This is for the Survivors, fighting a war within, against cells unrelenting, brothers not-repenting and community to afraid to love and live in the presence of HIV.”

Simultaneously existing within and outside imputed markers and communities of race, gender, and sexuality, we trek on the path of our forefathers. We speak with the urgency of Malcolm, the insight of Baldwin and the truth Essex. We live with the fearlessness, strategic, acuity of Joseph Beam and Bayard Rustin; navigating the world with our eyes on holistic, comprehensive justice. We create and we love, with the fire and passion of Ru, Langston and Rotimi Fani-Kayode. From their shoulders and their pathways we are called and empowered to be all that we are; realizing and releasing the divine nature of our BlaQueerness in honor of the crowns of our lineage, the proof of present and the hope of our progeny. From transmisogyny to police violence, from femme-phobia to HIV criminalization, from poverty to sex-shaming.. we are all we need to thrive. Indeed, we are all we’ve ever had.

SOURCE: MUSED MAG

TAKEN MEN ALWAYS TARGETED, WHILE SINGLE MEN AVOIDED

When it comes to relationships, it’s quite interesting how people treat someone when they go from a single gem to a taken trophy.

In the beginning, you’re living the happy life as a single person. Then one day, you tell yourself that it’s time to get out there and start dating. Whether it’s just having casual encounters with a few men or finding “the one”, you are on the prowl. You’re out on the social scene with confidence, but things don’t appear to be happening positively in your favor.

Other men don’t seem to find you interesting. Even though they are single as well, all of the judgment is placed on you. You are the lonely single person that appears desperate to get a man. You may not be in your eyes, but to them you are.

Nothing is working out for you in the romance department. All of a sudden, the day finally comes, and you are swooped off your feet by the man you are proud to call your boyfriend. The relationship that you’ve always wanted has finally happened.

Not only is looked at as an accomplishment, but it is looked at as a term of acceptance and comfort. After being rejected by so many people because of multiple reasons, here is an individual that not only fought through your high standards, but challenged it while unexpectedly wooing you.

The relationship is great. The both of you are happy. Then all of a sudden, things have shifted and you become the object of affection by numerous bachelors. Men are coming one by one, hell even two by two. They want to converse with you, even though their bodies are containing an unknown amount of urgent lust for you.

Do you have a new glow? Did the men change their minds about you when you got away? It is none of the above. The answer: It’s because you’re taken.

That’s the reality that’s going on now in society when it comes to relationships in my opinion. It’s as if life is telling us that dating is going to require twice than expected here in the 21st century.

For single men, they have to face the challenges of not feeling sad or depressed because they can’t seem to get someone’s attention for even five minutes without seeming desperate by other single men. Then on the other end, when you are in a relationship, you have to face the challenges of not committing infidelity and keeping your relationship because cupid got drunk and shot arrows at more than one guy, and you were the first person they saw. When did taken men become the hunted, and when did single men become the avoided? Why is this happening?

Here are a few reasons:

Home Wreckers

No one truly talks about these people, but they’re out there. When it comes to relationships, a home wrecker comes in and purposely sabotages. They want the relationship to fall apart. Whether it’s spreading a rumor, passing off intimate kisses, or even having an affair with one of the mates, they will secretly do whatever they can to let the two mates fall apart.

It can be out of jealousy. It can be because of their lust for wanting one of the partners, even though they might personally not want the partner for personal reasons at all. It can be anything. Just know that there are people are up and ready to burn your love to the ground, and they don’t care who gets third degree burns.

It’s the thrill of destruction that excites them.

The Idea of Chasing What They Can’t Have

Who invented this game and how did it go viral? When men find out that a man they like is taken, it becomes sort of psychological lust game. It’s an interesting idea to try and pursue the one they know they can’t have because he has a boyfriend. This can turn into a never going to win World of Warcraft quest, but they still continue to play the game. Reminds me of a modern day “Tom & Jerry”.

The Secret Crush

There can be someone who secretly had a crush on you, but never had the guts to tell you in person. Then when they found out that you are with someone, they’re heart is broken. That still doesn’t help them. It turns into a scene from “Fatal Attraction”. Now their main goal is to make them fall in love with you, and they don’t care if you are taken or not.

There can be many reasons why taken men are getting the affection from single men more than the average single person out there. All we know is that there is one thing to be aware of. Relationships and dating has unexpectedly required more hard work and commitment when you’re both single and taken. Each one has its own expectations and responsibilities. It just happens that one group of men has twice the work on their plate, for there is much more to gain and lose when more than one party is involved.

SOURCE: MUSED MAG

NO MEANS NO, EVEN BETWEEN TWO BLACK GAY MEN

On a Sunday afternoon in Washington, D.C., I decided to go hang out with the crew at our usual gay club hangout. I was having a great time drinking and doing a little two step, when nature called. I decided to leave my friends and go  to the bathroom alone, as I have done since the tender age of 5.  While washing my hands outside the bathroom, I was approached by a man, who I would consider an associate.

As I gave the official “what’s up” head nod, he responded the same while also sticking his hand between my legs from behind and squeezing.  Although I was startled, I played it cool and moved his arm away and asked him not to do that.  I guess my rejection of his advances was the first time in history this ever happened because his response was “What? You don’t like that” as he did it again.

Now, I am pissed.

As my blood pressure started to rise, I slapped his hands away and yelled, “Chill on all of that”.

As I do this, he is now irate and going off. By the grace of God, a mutual friend happened to be standing there watching the entire confrontation. He grabbed his friend by the arm and continuously yelled, “Lets go!”

Finally, he calmed down and exits.

I was left standing there with my hands shaking and confused. For the first time in my adult life, I felt like I had no control over a situation dealing with my personal space. Thoughts were running through my head trying to rationalize what happened.

I asked myself a few questions:

Where my clothes too tight? No, clothes don’t dictate consent.  Did I give consent that I wasn’t aware of? No, I was simply washing my hands and said hello. Did I actually allow the normalcy of grabbing and touching that goes on in these settings devalue my body to the point that I lost ownership of it?  Umm. No? Yes? Maybe.

As a person who has been to many a gay clubs, the violation of sexual contact has become way too common. Most often, it occurs in passing or while standing at the bar. You feel the slight brush of your backside by people “claiming” they are trying to pass by.  Hands wrapping around your waist as people try to order a drink from behind you. This occurs so frequently, that I fully allowed it as an acceptable act. It has become so regular in our culture that people act without fear of repercussion and dismiss anyone who rejects the unwanted advances based on a culture of rape and perceived promiscuity in the gay community.

This stigma is further advanced with the portrayal of gay male characters on primetime television.  Although I appreciate the advancement being taken with gay male characters having roles on major networks in shows like “Scandal” and “How To Get Away With Murder”, I am saddened that these characters have been maligned as being sexually deviant and lacking any depth. Both shows depict gay males using their bodies rather than their intelligence to get what they want by using sex as a manipulative tool against one another. These scenes portray us as people that are willing to perform sexual favors in an office, courthouse bathroom, or with an escort further the agenda that we don’t take value in our bodies or sexual spaces.

Consent is the premise of my problem. My body, is mine inherently, and with that you must have permission to cross that space. Granted, there are gay men that enjoy the gratification of their sexual space visited often, but even with that there is consent. To the alternative men who are guarded and protective of their sexual should be respected if they choose not to engage in such actions as touching and grabbing. Many of the later are forced to simply deal with this because of the false belief that sexual promiscuity is the norm rather than the exception. Having multiple sex partners is viewed as a deviant behavior rather a person having ownership over their body and consenting to having relations with multiple people. Regardless of how casual one may have sex, it never constitutes the fact that  one should gain consent before making sexual contact. It should also not be used as a determinant of how we in the gay community value our bodies.

The same respect for consent must be applied to sexual contact. The assumption that a grab or grope is harmless is very dangerous to the sexual culture we as gay men have to live in. The same rules of consent that apply in a male-to-female exchange must also apply in male-to-male and female-to-female exchanges. Grabbing on me cannot be used as a form of “compliment.” I should not have to be subjected to unwanted touching as form of you showing your attraction toward me.

With that being said- no means no. The same rules that govern the heterosexual community when it comes to sexual assault and contact need to be reciprocated in the homosexual community. Violation of one’s personal space needs to be respected when it has been determined to be unwanted and unwarranted. I can only hope that going forward we, as a community, learn that societal views do not determine the value placed on one’s body. I would rather you say hello to my face before your hands say hello to my waist.

SOURCE: MUSED MAG