SIX WAYS TO SURVIVE A BREAK-UP

Negotiating a break-up is never easy, I think that’s something I’m sure we can all agree on. But there’s no rule saying we have to be a prize-winning douche bag to extricate ourselves from a formerly well-functioning relationship. So how does one avoid these well-trodden paths of douche-bagish behaviour?

Well, I’m glad you asked. Here are a few top tips to negotiate the murky waters of the dreaded break-up.

1. Be honest

It seems incredibly obvious, but when you have to have these difficult conversations you need to be honest with yourself and your partner. They’ll probably know you pretty well and so will immediately clock your behaviour when it’s disingenuous. You’d appreciate them being honest too, right? It would be an insult to your relationship to not have an open discussion about something so important. Of course, being honest is incredibly difficult and sometimes our whole being resists it, but, it’s worth making the effort. How could you even know that you wanted to break up for sure unless you could articulate those words to your partner? Just getting those feelings out might be the beginning of a conversation that leads to your reconciliation – or maybe it doesn’t – but at least you’ve talked it out honestly. And you’ll both feel better (in the long run) for choosing to do that.

2. Be sensitive

OK, so I might appear to be going back on what I just said but 100% unfiltered honesty is not exactly helpful sometimes. People do appreciate honesty, but they also appreciate sensitivity. For example, if you decide to break up with someone because you no longer find them attractive then you might argue that you should admit that. Well, I’m not arguing that you shouldn’t tell them, but there are definitely two ways to say that: I don’t fancy you any more, or, I don’t feel the same way as I did when we first met. You need to think about how what you say is going to affect your soon-to-be ex-partner. You don’t want to hurt them unnecessarily, and as their partner, you’ll probably already have a good idea of how to hurt them deeply – so don’t, if you possibly can.

3. Anger is temporary

Feeling angry with someone and exercising that anger in the form of a fiery fuck-word-filled tirade feels great. And there are times when someone needs to be told they’re a massive dickhead and given a dressing down for putting you through hell. So, if that’s the case go ahead and exercise that anger straight at their shitty mug. But I would say that very few people intentionally set out to be dickheads and everyone is capable of hurting someone, particularly inside a relationship. The funny thing is we’re not so forgiving of these transgressions when we commit them ourselves. People generally don’t set out to irreparably damage each other. That’s just an unfortunate consequence of caring deeply about someone – they can bring you immeasurable joy but also untold pain. So if and when that break-up moment comes, try and be forgiving. This might be the last time you see each other for a long time, or ever again. It would be better to end it with a memory befitting the good times you shared rather than with a sour, spiteful attack which you’ll always regret.

4. Don’t be a bitch

It would be very easy for the conversation to descend into a mud-slinging contest, seeing who can out-blame the other party. Well, you looked at that boy on my birthday. Well, you were messaging that bloke on Grindr! Well blah blah blah blah blah, so on and so forth in a never-ending loop of terminal boredom. And while it’s very tempting to play this game, it’s not constructive and it’s definitely not cute. The only reason you’re doing it is because you’re hurting. You might have every reason to bring up some of the failings of your boyfriend in this conversation because, yeah, he may have fucked up and he may need to know that. But, be very sure that’s the reason you’re trying to find fault in his actions and not because you’re avoiding confronting your own failings, or worse, simply trying to wound him.

5. Be clear and listen

If you’re the party severing ties, it’s vital to be clear about why you’ve decided to end the relationship. You don’t want to leave any doors open, or give them hope that your feelings might change if you know they won’t. It’s understandable that you don’t want to hurt them so there could be a temptation to tell them what they want to hear, that your feelings might change, or that you’re not 100% sure at the moment so you need time to think. You might think you’re being kind, but really it’s a selfish cop-out that only serves to make you feel less guilty. And it’s incredibly cowardly because when your ex finally does realise that it’s well and truly over, you won’t be around to deal with the fallout. At the other end of the spectrum, if you’re the dumpee then you need to make sure that you don’t try and convince yourself that your ex is going to change his mind. Of course he could change his mind but it’s dangerous to hope for something you can’t control. You can’t change his mind and your energies might be better spent adjusting to life post break-up, rather than dwelling on life before it.

6. Be kind

Be the kind of person you’d like your partner to be in that situation: honest, sensitive and emotionally intelligent. You will get upset because you care about this person, and I wouldn’t suggest that you try to conceal those feelings. You have to feel it to know it’s over. So be kind to yourself and your partner. You’ll both appreciate it.

SOURCE: THE FACT SITE

¿AM I IN LOVE?

Wondering whether or not you've found true love? For some relationships it can be hard to tell, especially if you've never been in love before. Ask yourself the following questions so you'll know.

Clue #1 - Physical Responses

One of the ways to know its love is by the physical responses you have to your partner when in their presence or thinking about them. Do you shiver? Get goosebumps? Blush? Sweat? Feel tingly all over? Cry when saying goodbye? Get stomach flip flops or butterflies? Feel like there is a lump in your throat? Can't stop smiling? Feel warm and fuzzy? All of these physical responses are indicators that you may have found true love, but only when paired up with the other clues in this list.

Clue #2 - Non-Obsessive Worry

You'll know when it's love by the way you worry about your parnter. Did they make it to work okay? Are they late because they were in an accident? Will they enjoy the dinner you painstakingly made for them? Of course, we all worry about our loved ones, but when you're in love with someone the worry takes on a different quality. At no point is it obsessive or negative however; rather, you are truly concerned for their well-being when in love.

Clue #3 - Wanting the World To Know

A common trait amongst couples who are in love is that they feel compelled to tell the world that they love one another. Whether it is wanting to yell at the top of your lungs from the rooftops, "I love you," or taking the celebratory nature of love towards a more traditional route (marriage), true love is characterized by wanting everyone to know just how happy you are together.

Clue #4 - Constant Reminders

You know you're in love when almost everything you experience reminds you of your partner. From the kind of coffee they drink to the smell of their cologne/perfume, from the way they say, "Hi!" to the silly way they tie their shoelaces, wherever you are and whatever you're doing, it all comes back to your partner.

Clue #5 - Positive Thoughts

Being in love with someone means that you (mostly) see them through rose-colored glasses. In What is True Love, positive thoughts about your partner are a crucial element to continued love for your partner. In some circles this phenomena might be called "doing no wrong", but with healthy optimism and realism.

Clue #6 - Reciprocated Feelings

If your partner tells you that their feelings mirror yours in a romantic, deep, loving fashion, then your love is likely blooming, or ready to move to the next level.

Clue #7 - Feeling Good

There's flying high on a cloud with loving feelings, and then there's feeling good about yourself. If your partner makes you feel like a million dollars when you're together, or that you can conquer anything because they have unswerving faith in you, then there's a good chance you're in love.

Clue #8 - Zero Pressure

In many a romantic relationship, there is some pressure to move things to the next level. In this case however we're talking about feeling pressured by your partner to do something you're not willing or ready to do - such as prioritizing them before your work or having sex. You may want to do these things, but when you're truly in love they are your choice alone and do not occur because of being pressured by your partner.

Clue #9 - Healthy Jealousy

It's normal to feel a tinge of jealous towards your partner if an old fling comes back into their life, or if an attractive person starts flirting with them. The difference between damaging and healthy jealousy? When healthy, the feeling is fleeting at best, and you trust your partner implicitly not to hurt or betray you.

If You're Still Wondering...

Determining if you're in love can be tricky. What you feel is 'falling in love', may merely be a strong attraction for someone else. Some people take a long time to fall in love, while others can fall in love and break up in the blink of an eye.

SOURCE: ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS

BEFORE YOU AND YOUR PARTNER OPEN YOUR RELATIONSHIP...

Not all relationships are one-on-one standards. Some couples choose to open their arms to other partners through open relationships, cuckolding or polyamory. Follow these precautions before you increase the numbers:

·       Get agreement.
If you've been toying with the idea of opening up your relationship, talk about your desires with your partner. Be open about your thoughts and clear about your expectations.

·       Don't force the issue.

If your man is not into the idea of multiples, don't force him into the situation. If he's the more cautious in your relationship give him time to figure out if he is comfortable with the idea of adding a third. 

·       Be willing to walk away.
If your idea of cuckolding or a threesome is overridden, don't harbor resentment or (again) force your partner to participate. If you can, walk away from the idea. If you can't live without your desires, then seek a gay-affirmative therapist with experience in sexuality to help you negotiate your fantasies with your relationship.

·       Discuss the terms.

If your partner agrees to explore this new world, then discuss the terms of your experimentation. Perhaps you will only try it once to see if you like it. Perhaps you agree on other terms of the arrangement, like the logistics of finding the third person. Plan before you act, regardless of the terms.

·       Establish a safe word.
Remember, your partner's comfort and your relationship trumps the fantasy, so establish a safe word that either of you can use in case things go wrong or one of you should feel uncomfortable. This word should be the ultimate fail safe and non-negotiable. The moment the word is spoken, the activity stops. 

·       Practice safer sex.
A good couple of hours can have life-long consequences if you don't protect yourself. Practice safer sex even if you and your previously monogamous partner didn't use condoms before. Choose from these top condoms for gay men.

·       Recap the event.
Talk about the situation afterward. Obviously, wait until your third party leaves. Discuss your feelings and revisit the rules of your explorations.

Keep in mind that by opening the door to a third or more, you run the risk of either of you or your partner establishing an emotional connection with someone outside of the relationship. Multiple person relationships and open scenarios can work, but they take constant communication and check-ins with all parties involved. Remember, the health of your relationship should always take priority over a good time.

SOURCE: ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS