JUS' E-MAIL ME: HOW DO I MAKE HIM WORK FOR IT?

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. We live together, work full time jobs and are both in our twenties.  We used to have sex/foreplay every day but now it’s once a week – sometimes less.  He will masturbate and therefore doesn’t have an urge for intercourse with me, where as I would rather have it with him.

I have a high sex drive and really want it – if I masturbate he will get upset at me and he then holds sex off to punish me.  I’ve tried to address the issue and he claims the reason is because I don’t make him work for it.  In his opinion I am too eager – he would rather I let him make the move and made him chase me before he got his prize if you like. He would like me to tease him and get him desperate.  I don’t know what to do… is this a sign he would rather be single where he can get the chase?  What can I do to make him work for it?  I’m worried if I play hard to get he might just not try since he is already satisfied from masturbating and I will be left unsatisfied and worked up!

Have you ever been in this situation? 

What are your thoughts?

What advice would you give this person?

JUS' E-MAIL ME: ¿GAY ROMANCE OR GAY BROMANCE?

I've liked this guy for a while - let's call him Jamal. At the beginning I was very uncomfortable with the idea of trying to communicate with him. I summoned up a lot of courage to do it. I tried to make a move, but his response was cold—actually, a flat-out "No!" I was crushed, but a month went by and I got over it.

 I tried hanging out with him as a friend, but he wouldn't respond to most of my texts. I just assumed he was not interested in any sort of relationship, romantic or friendly.

Eventually I moved on and started to meet other guys and hanging out with them (not too many!). None of them really wanted anything serious, and neither caught my attention that much.

I kept seeing them and learned to enjoy the moments.

Then suddenly things changed completely. Jamal came back on the scene and started giving me lots of attention. I don't really know how it happened but we started to see each other every day, talk on the phone, text, and go to parties together—everything. We have endless walks along the neighbourhood, play basketball together, and go to the bar on the corner. Sometimes we found ourselves having discussions about society and about our studies, that lasted the whole night. And, our line of thought was so much in common!

I started to see it as a very good bromance, but nothing more. It was clear after some time I was having the makings of a good friendship, in which he wanted to take the lead. And I found that I was really 'ok' with that.

At this point, I am really confused and don't know where this relationship is going. Is he just comfortable with the friendship we have, or is he looking for more?

Have you ever been in this situation? 

What are your thoughts?

What advice would you give this person?

JUS' E-MAIL ME: DESPERATELY SINGLE

I just turned 40 and I'm single, while most of my friends are married, engaged, or seriously dating someone. I'm confident, happy, and have a great social life, but I'm starting to worry that there's no anyone out there for me. How do I continue to date in hopes of finding a serious relationship without seeming desperate?

Have you ever been in this situation? 

What are your thoughts?

What advice would you give this person?

JUS' E-MAIL ME: ¿SHOULD HE TELL HER THAT HER HUSBAND IS CLOSETED CHEATER?

I’m a gay man in my mid-thirties and, for a few months, I was sleeping with a "straight" married guy, who’s a few years older and has a child with his wife. I really fancied him and it was exciting at first, but then it became stressful having to sneak around and I actually started to feel very bad for his wife.

I ended it after going to his place one night after a drinking session when his wife and child were out of town. I saw all these happy family photos and felt so bad that I was sleeping with her husband in her bed and she knew nothing about it. I had to ask myself what kind of guy I was involved with.

I used to hear him on the phone lying to her about where he was when he’d just been having sex with me. I’m not the first guy he’s cheated on his wife with and I’m sure I won’t be the last. I keep getting the urge to tell her what he’s really like so she can get out of this sham of a marriage and find happiness with someone else. What would you do? I’m torn between wanting to see him get his comeuppance or just walking away and leaving them to it.

Has this ever happen to you? 

What are your thoughts?

What advice would you give this person?

JUS' E-MAIL ME: MY "AMAZING" RELATIONSHIP...

Can we all agree that maintaining a hot, steamy relationship takes work by each partner?

My partner and I have been together for a few years and our relationship is great. We are planning on getting married very soon and we compliment each other very well. I just wonder how to make things better because I am bored with the relationship. 

We both love each other and want to be with each other for the long haul, it just that the routine of things are weighing down on me. Can you make any suggestions on how we can save our relationship before it dies? What are your suggestions for spicing up a hum-drum relationship?

Have you ever had to deal with this? 

What are your thoughts on a situation like this?

JUS' E-MAIL ME: ¿ONE DATE & DONE?

Imagine this... 

You go on a date last Friday night.

You thought everything went well.

You had a nice conversation - laughed at all the seemingly right moments.

Dinner was excellent, and he expressed love for the food and ambiance just as you did.

The walk after dinner through town, where you both shared something embarrassing about yourselves, seemed to create a bit of an initial bond...

The goodbye was poignant and sweet. Your date asked when they may be able to see you again. You said you were interested in getting together again and were flexible.

"I'll reach out to schedule another date together," your date says coyly while smiling.

You felt you were a shoo-in for a next date...

So excited!

Saturday came... Sunday passed...

As you head to work on Monday, with no contact from the full-of-next-date-promise date from Friday night, you are perplexed and start reliving the night in your head...

"Did I say the wrong answer when I was asked about my high school prom?"

"Ugh...I know I shouldn't have mentioned the college party I hooped it up in junior year - I just thought we were bonding!!"

"Now I wonder am I being judged that I hadn't heard of that band he mentioned?"

The second guessing of decisions made, regret of statements said and replaying of events in your head is painful.

It's now Wednesday - no call or text or Instagram message or courier pigeon note asking for a second date...

The frustration and disappointment is mounting...

And in desperate curiosity and defiance, when they don't call or text back in a couple of days, I can hear you thinking, 

the nerve of him....

Rejection, especially when you don't see it coming, is rough...

Is this you?

Come on now, this is a safe space - you can admit it...

Have you ever been frustrated by a date that led you to think all was great and a next step was coming, only not to call?

Have you ever had to deal with this? 

What are your thoughts on a situation like this?

JUS' E-MAIL ME: THE KISS OFF...

There's this guy that I've dying to hookup with for weeks. So when the chance came for u to get down and dirty, he told me, that I could kiss him anywhere below his neck. It was the first time I had that kind of experience. Since then I have always asked potential fuck buddies if they are affectionate, especially if they kiss. I would not be compatible with another male if he did not kiss passionately.

When I get with a guy, I want appreciate the male anatomy and kissing is the perfect conduit of emotions that directly links to the sex organs. So, if there is passionate foreplay, the setting for extremely hot sex is definitely impacted through kissing. I can’t imagine having sex without foreplay with cuddling, massaging, and kissing!

How do you guys feel about affection, foreplay do you like to kiss?

Have you ever had to deal with this? 

What are your thought?

JUS' E-MAIL ME: MY D!CK IS TOO FOR MANY GUYS

I don’t know if anyone else has this problem. I have a big dick. The length isn’t the problem, it’s more that girth. It is 6 inches around if you use a measuring tape. I need to wear Magnum condoms, but those can feel tight and difficult to get on and off if I get really excited. Everyone agrees that it it is nice to look at, when it comes to taking its not many can do it.

This would not be much of a problem if I was a bottom. However I enjoy being a good aggressive top. I tried to go to either, but more often than not I don’t get to finish without pulling out. Nothing is more frustrating than that. I would love to see if anyone has any ideas on how to make this go better.

Have you ever had to deal with this? 

What are your thought?

JUS' E-MAIL ME: ¿WHY AM I STILL SINGLE?

Ever since I turned 30, I’ve taken a new approach to how I live my life. I don’t care about the petty things anymore. I wake up in the morning with a generally positive outlook on my day. I’ve learned to accept the fact that things are never really going to go according to plans. I’ve also learned to be present–exist and rejoice in the here and now. I’ve grown tremendously and made what I consider to be great accomplishments in my life. I feel happy. Not just any happy, but a cool sense of intrinsic happiness! In my moments of weakness a suppressed, recurring question always comes to mind: Why am I Single?!?

Before I really get into how I feel about the subject, I have to shed light up my upbringing and thoughts of my own sexuality. I knew I was gay since I was 4! I distinctly remember coming home trying to explain to my mother that I have a boyfriend. She then tried to explain to me the difference between a guy who is a friend and a lover–and I argued with her. (I swear I feel like I’ve always been an adult trapped in a kids body). I was never picked on, bullied or abused in adolescence–I was just myself. It wasn’t until my teenage years until I became fully aware of what “being gay” was. Whatever I was exposed to–maybe it was the late night episodes of Queer as Folk and other limited LGBT shows I could sneak to watch–or the few gay hormone-driven friends I had met along my journey or the interesting scenes I found myself in while underage clubbing or my early days on hookup/dating sites. Whatever it was–I knew that I was THAT type of gay.

I fashioned myself to be what I had considered to be “husband material”. I was not sexually active until 17, I never did any drugs didn’t drink until mid 20s. I graduated with two degrees in business, and I’m back in school for a third in audio engineering. I’m in the process of buying a multifamily home as a rental property. I'm in shape -always have been (and now its even better due to Cross Fit), I drive around in a Lexus, I have edgy bad boy sense of style, nice hair, white teeth, easy personality but sometimes a jerk–I can cook and if a fight ever breaks out in a bar, I know that I can hold my own! I have everything I would want in a partner, so–WHY AM I STILL SINGLE!?

I have had conversations with one of my close friends about this. He pointed out something for me to digest. He said the type of person I’m looking for is someone just like me–someone I can relate to and be in my same age bracket (plus or minus 5 years). and that list is narrow. NARROW!? Really?? 7 Billion people in the world?? Why are ALL my exes in seemingly happy relationships or move from man to man, and I go by years at a time single? What am I doing wrong??

Have you ever had to deal with this? 

What are your thought?

JUS' E-MAIL ME: SHOULD I ASK MY FORMER TEACHER OUT?

I graduated high school this year and I have kept a close relationship with my teacher. He is 15 years older than me and single. Since I was in grade 8, we would stay after school and talk for a couple of hours. He is always joking with me and giving me advice. He does not act this way with any other student. He had told me before that I was very attractive. My fellow classmates used to always say we looked cute because he does not look his age.

Sometimes we would stay after school to watch plays and he would talk to me instead of his other teacher friends. After school, if he knew I had to stay for some other reason, he would keep the door open in his office for me to walk in and talk. Sometimes he would personally ask to see me after school, so we could catch up. Do you think he has something for me? And should I make a move now that I am get older? I have never felt this towards any other boy, until now.

Have you ever had to deal with this? 

What are your thought?

JUS' E-MAIL ME: WE GOT THIS FEELING...

I had my first time with this bi guy who keeps it a secret because of the town we live in. He was out before when he lived somewhere else. We have sex secretly, but I told him that I want more even if we have to keep it a secret. He says he doesn't want to hurt me and if I get too attached then the relationship needs to end. How do I get him to talk about his feelings?

Have you ever had to deal with this? 

What are your thought?

JUS' E-MAIL ME: ¿DOES EXPERIMENTING MAKE YOU GAY?

When I was 18 years old I had a crush on this guy with whom I started having casual sex. We were both physically very into each other. We started by having just a few encounters but stipulating since the beginning that there with be no commitment, although we didn't really knew what that meant. I told him I was gay, because that was the way I always felt since I could remember. Him, however, considered himself straight. 

That did not make sense in my head, at all. How could a guy have sex with me and not be gay? "Does because I am having sex with you does not mean I am gay", he would say. I couldn't understand it

My love for him was real, but it was not for a relationship. It was a deep affection. And it still is.

Have you ever had to deal with this? 

What are your thought?

What advice would you give this person?

JUS' E-MAIL ME: ¿AM I SELFISH FOR WANTING HIS TIME?

My boyfriend is great but I feel like I rarely see him. He’s super busy at work, does a lot of volunteer work, and is very involved with this family. I don’t want to be selfish, but I want more of his time. I know he loves me but at this point I’m lucky if I see him once per week for a few hours. I guess I feel neglected. I’m afraid to bring up the issue too often especially because I know everything he is doing is worthwhile. Should I just get busier and get over this or should I ask for more of his time?

Have you ever had to deal with this? 

What are your thought?

What advice would you give this person?

JUS' EMAIL ME: TALK DIRTY TO HIM...

I’m in a 10 year relationship and things are great with us. I know that I have found a guy that I can see myself spending the rest of my life with. 

Whenever we have sex he always pulls me close, breathes heavy in my ear, and talks dirty. I try to do it back, but as a top I feel really awkward and don’t know what to say besides “ah.” I’m positive he notices and I don’t want this to set the trend for our sex life for the next 50+ years. Any advice?

Have you ever had to deal with this? 

What are your thought?

What advice would you give this person?

JUS' E-MAIL ME: MY PARTNER WANTS LESS SEX THAN I DO!

My boyfriend and I are both 18. This is my first-everything-relationship, first kiss, sex, exclusivity, etc…We had sex on the second date and would have sex almost every time we would spend time together at night. But that was only twice a week! And even then he normally isn’t interested in going another round when we'd finished. I just feel that something’s wrong. Many nights I make it clear to him that I would like him to come over but he doesn’t want to. Is he too lazy? Should I tell him to stop masturbating?  Did I make things too easy?  Honestly I’d like him to be a bit more aggressive with initiating and I think I’m making it clear, but he isn’t picking it up.  I can’t make sense of this, if you can, please help. 

Have you ever had to deal with this? 

What are your thought?

What advice would you give this person?

JUS' E-MAIL ME: BLEEDING LOVE

I am in a new relationship and he and I had sex for the first time the other day, having not had sex for four years (I don’t sleep around and it’s kind of a big thing for me). We did all the right things and made sure I was ready to be penetrated and it was wonderful. It wasn't too painful during and we did it again a few times that night. The morning after I encountered some bleeding. It’s not painful but I am now too worried to try again. Should I go to the doctor or wait for it to heal  before we have sex again?  

Have you ever had to deal with this? 

What are your thoughts?

What advice would you give this person?

JUS' E-MAIL ME: ¿DO I REALLY HAVE TO KEEP COMING OUT?

I came out to my family over two years ago. It was difficult but it went better than I expected. But now my boyfriend wants me to come out everywhere.

I’m a very private person and I don’t see myself doing that. Sometimes I wonder if I am being cowardly by hiding and sometimes I think I have a right to be private.

Have you ever had to deal with this? 

What are your thoughts?

What advice would you give this person?

JUS' E-MAIL ME: ASK ADAM: HOW CAN I KEEP SEX ALIVE IN A GAY LTR?

My boyfriend and I have been together for over five years.  There is no question that we love each other, and we communicate pretty well, but I’m concerned that we rarely have sex.  We both are very busy with work, and when we do have sex, it’s nice but boring. We are conservative and quiet guys, committed to monogamy, and neither of us is kinky.  

Have you ever felt this way? 

What are your thoughts?

What advice would you give this person?

JUS' E-MAIL ME: I NO LONGER WANT TO BE GAY

I no longer want to be gay. I know that on the surface this statement reeks of the denial, self-loathing and internalized homophobia commonly associated with accepting and integrating ones gayness but truth is, I just don’t want to be gay anymore. It has outlived its usefulness. I have experienced all aspects of the life and can safely say that it no longer speaks to the person that I am or want to become. I didn’t always feel this way.

Initially I came to this community searching for love, intimacy and brotherhood. In return, I got shade, infidelity, loneliness and disunity. The self-loathing in this community forces you to encounter a series of broken men who are self-destructive, hurtful, cruel and vindictive towards one another. I have struggled to adapt my moral code to fit the behaviors concomitant with the lifestyle but it seems that the lifestyle is forcing me too far away from everything I love and value. No matter how many times I try to purge my perception of its firmly held beliefs and skewed biases, the same classic stereotypes of gay men keep rearing their ugly heads. The indiscriminate sex, superficiality, unstable relationships, self-hatred, peter pan syndrome, closeted connections, ageism, shade, loneliness, preoccupation with sex, prejudice, aversion to intimacy all seem to come out of the ground I thought they were buried under. Gay men just seem to find it difficult to transcend the stereotypes and clichés attached to the life and it is becoming disheartening.

It has been seven years since I decided to live my life as an openly gay male and it has not been an easy road. It has been fraught with much pain and misery that I initially tried to mask with alcohol, drugs, sex and parties. In the beginning it was hard to admit that I liked other men. But I did and it was a very freeing experience. It gave me the opportunity to assert my identity when for years I struggled with this. It gave me a chance to be my own activist and stand up in the face of opposition from family, friends and society as a whole. I took pride in my gay pride and felt as though I were apart of something greater than myself, a movement of men who loved other men and who were unafraid to show it. Our love was supposed to be a revolutionary act. But the truth is, we didn’t love each other; we were just infatuated with the idea of belonging and going against the grain. We loved the freedom and taboo of rebelling against societal mores. The love that we thought was intricate to the spelling of our revolution was just a knife that we turned in on ourselves under the guise of fun and good times.

Personally I believe that love is sacrifice and not many gay men are willing to sacrifice for their brethren nowadays. Initially this spirit of self-sacrifice was salient during the AIDS crisis in the early 80’s and 90’s when resources were scarce and people were afraid. But now, there seems to be a preoccupation with the seduction of risk, as gay men play with matches, hoping to ignite meaningful connections in their never ending self-discovery. The grand prize of intimacy is often forfeited for the immediate gratification of a casual encounter on craigslist or a geo-social hook up on Grindr. Cars have become the new bedrooms and sex is not followed with pillow talk but rather phrases such as: “Blo and Go,” “Pump and Dump” and “Skeet and Leave”. The life is starting to look a lot like a slow death simmering on low heat and it doesn’t hold the same appeal that it once did to me. It is a life in serious need of renovations.

Men also used to be men and approached you with a modicum of chivalrous courage. Now they hide behind electronic masks or position themselves in close proximity to you at clubs hoping you initiate contact only to arrogantly dismiss your advances in an attempt to project their own discomfort. I have noticed that a lot of gay men seem to only want a challenge and live for the elusive. They want men who do not want them, men who resemble the emotional distance or absence of their fathers.

I am too young to long for the good old days but this life makes you miss what it meant to be gay. It makes you long for the times when a guy would greet you and offer you a drink as opposed to his cock size and sexual stats. The middleman of courtesy has been eliminated and replaced with an immoral devil who chaperons your destruction daily. It just isn’t worth it anymore. And while I recognize my attractions to men, I choose to no longer associate myself with a life that lives outside of morality and goodness. The gay life is like the love of a bad boy whose attention and love you initially covet but eventually outgrow. It’s just not where I see myself anymore.

Have you ever felt this way? 

What are your thoughts?

What advice would you give this person?

JUS' E-MAIL ME: EXCLUSIVITY DILEMMA

My best friend came to me about a week ago with a dilemma... He has been in a relationship with his lover for over a year. They now live together and I have always sense the warmth and passion they bring to the table whenever I am around. My friend has always confided that his relationship has always been one of exclusively. I am always impressed by how their focus and  never stray.  My only wish is that God would bless me with a beautiful man to grow with like my best friend's soulmate. 

My friend approached me and asked my opinion and what would I do if I was in this situation. He said his lover wanted to experiment and explore into exhibitionism, not to be with other people but to experience others looking on as they engage in passionate sex and sharing the beauty they give to each other.  In no way is it suppose to be multiple or other sex partner interacting with them outside of watching. My friend confided with me that he is confused and scared but very much in love.  We talked about a sex party where there is in most cases no privacy available. We also talked about bathhouses and parks but they did not seem to give the continual level of exposure that was needed for this heighten event.

He asked me for guidance so I thought of you guys.  Sometimes I deal with situations not in the status quo so pragmatically that my answer is monolithic and, it was not what he wanted to hear. 

Has this ever happen to you? 

What are your thoughts?

What advice would you give this person?