THAT ONE PERSON...

There is always one person in our lifetime we can’t seem to get over.

Even long after the relationship dies and all connections perish, this person stays alive in our consciousness.

It’s not like we spend our entire day fantasizing about them or reminiscing. It’s not like our lives stopped when they left it. It’s not like we haven’t moved on—we might even be building a relationship with someone new.

But this person’s existence is like an alarm clock that rings every once in a while. They’re like the mud that resides at the bottom of a glass—if stirred, it instantly fills the calm water.

Any object, sound, taste or smell related to them, can make them cross our minds again.

Who is your one person?

BREAKING THE GRIP OF PAST LOVERS

Every relationship in your life is a karmic crossing, a chance to learn soul lessons through the opening of your earth heart. This means looking deeply and carefully at who shows up in our lives and what we're here to learn from them. It means: Healing relationships that have wounded you, making amends for relationships in which you have wounded, balancing relationships that are out of balance, and understanding when a karmic crossing is complete. The deepest level of healing is Divine.

When we as men open our bodies to another, we open not only to power and love, but to incredible vulnerability and to whatever else is moving either inside of our partners, or between us in the relationship. Regardless of your past choices, how much healing you've done, and whether or not you're in a relationship now, you almost certainly find yourself navigating a host of issues because you STILL CARRY the residual impact of perhaps many past lovers. 

I invite you to dive deeply into your relationships at the most profound level, those karmic crossings you experience with lover, partner or boyfriend.

WHY WE ARE NOT SHOWN THE BIGGER PICTURE

Often we want to be shown the big picture but it is not always in our best interest as we can easily become overwhelmed.

Sometimes, we may find ourselves wishing we knew what our lives are going to look like or what gifts and challenges are going to be presented to us in the coming months or years. We may want to know if the relationship we're in now will go the distance or if our goals will be realized. Perhaps we feel like we need help making a decision and we want to know which choice will work out best. We may consult psychics, tarot cards, our dreams, and many other sources in the hopes of finding out what the future holds. Usually, at most, we may catch glimpses. And even though we think we would like to know the whole story in all its details, the truth is that we would probably be overwhelmed and exhausted if we knew everything that is going to happen to us.

Just think of your life as you've lived it up to this point. If you are like most of us, you have probably done more and faced more than you could have ever imagined. If someone had told you as a child of all the jobs and relationships you would experience, along with each one's inherent ups and downs, you would have become overwhelmed. With your head full of information about the future, you would have had a very hard time experiencing your life in the present moment, which is where everything actually happens.

In many ways, not knowing what the future has in store brings out in us the qualities we need to grow. For example, it would have been difficult to commit yourself to certain people or projects if you knew they wouldn't ultimately work out. Yet, it was through your commitment to see them through that you experienced the lessons you needed to grow. Looking back on your life, you would likely be hard pressed to say that anything in your past should not have happened. In fact, your most challenging experiences with their inevitable lessons may have ultimately brought you the greatest rewards. Not knowing the future keeps us just where we need to be--fully committed and in the present moment.

GET NAKED...

In order to fully love ourselves, we must love the skin we are in, no matter what.

Too often we pick ourselves apart because we don’t look like supermodels, movie stars, and other highly edited public figures. This isn’t helping us, and the truth is, everyone has their hang ups. 

We could make a list of all the things we don’t like about ourselves, but thats not productive, and to be quite frank, why shouldn’t we love all parts of ourselves?

Unfortunately insecurities about our looks usually stem back to our childhoods when someone made a passing remark, a mean comment, or bullied us.

Yes, we should want to be healthy, and the best versions of ourselves, but that isn’t going to happen the more we pick ourselves apart.

Stand dead on facing front in the mirror, and slowly turn all while keeping your eyes on yourself in the mirror, and start saying something like: 

“I like my eyes. They’re blue and bright, and show my soul. They allow me to see the world, which is incredible. I like my ears because they fit my face, and help me hear incredible things like music, which I can’t imagine living without. I love my teeth because I have all of them, and they allow me to eat whatever I want without assistance. I love my legs because they let me move, and I don’t need help getting around.”

I think you see where I’m going with this. 

It’s not just about what you see, it’s about what all these body parts do for you.

Yes, it's great if you like what you see, and if you have physical attributes you like because of how they look. Just don’t let these things be what drives you because every single one of us will age. It just is what it is. There's no escaping it.

If you woke up this morning, can walk, can feed yourself, and aren’t physically dependent upon anyone else then you’re already so much luckier than millions of people out in the world.

Yes, you should want to be a healthy weight, and a have a body that operates at maximum efficiency, but this goes deeper than that.

Society has encouraged us to be vain, so that we constantly are left wanting something, or thinking that if we do spend all this money fixing our exteriors that we'll finally be happy. It truly comes down to making money. The unhappier we are, the more we try to mask that unhappiness with clothes, makeup, plastic surgery, and the list goes on. I'm going to let you in on a big secret, some of the most beautiful people I know, aren't happy at all because happiness, confidence, and peace come from within.

So stop beating yourself up, and be grateful for your incredible body. It’s doing amazing things!

The more we fight this body, the more our bodies will fight us, so give in to this body. Your body is a temple. Love it. Honor it. Be kind it to. Enjoy it because one day you’ll look back, and think, "Damn, my body wasn't as half as bad as I thought it was. It actually was pretty amazing." So thank it for all it has done up until this point.

Our bodies have gotten us this far, so let’s continue to love them, and take care of them to the best of our abilities. 

P.S. You’re way sexier than you realize.

SPREAD THE LOVE...

We need to stop holding back from others, and ultimately our own deep feelings, and spread the love.

Yes, saying I love you comes with weight, but life is short. We truly never know when our last day will come, and everything can dramatically change in the blink of an eye.

It’s beyond important that we keep in mind how precious life is, and even more so how important those that we love really are.

CHALLENGE:

Say, “I love you.”

Say it to everyone you truly feel this way about. Don’t worry if they say it back, don’t say it with expectations, just spread the love.

Expressing your gratitude by letting others know how much you love them will not only build them up, but it will also build you up.

EXAMPLE:

Send personal texts messages to your loved ones.

Meet up with your friends, and let them know how much they mean to you.

Finally say I love you to your significant other.

Call your family, and express how grateful you are for all they have done.

Give a toast to those special people over dinner.

There is no right or wrong way to say, “I love you.” However, I strongly encourage saying those three words to the people in your life you couldn’t imagine being without.

It creates a stronger bond, connection, and relationship.

Remember love creates love, so let the love flow freely.

THE ART OF "HOLDING SPACE" FOR GAY MEN

The world can be a demanding and difficult place, and we all need someone to help us through our dark times by holding space for us to process our emotions. You don’t need to be a therapist or a genius to hold space. Holding space is something we can all do for each other, whether it’s with our partners, our friends, and even strangers in passing. We all need it, yet relatively few of us actually know how to do it well, so tell me, how do we as gay men hold spaces for each other? 

THE SOUL-MATE BLUEPRINT

Longing for a life-partner without feeling that you have the power to attract love can be one of the hardest places to be—I’ve been there and it’s an incredibly tender and vulnerable feeling.

Or maybe you have an amazing life filled with success and you feel great most days, but then it hits you... Sunday morning when you wake up and all your friends are at brunch with their loved ones... and you feel a deep ache for something you don't let yourself feel most of the time—you really DO long for love.

Or those times when you go through something challenging at work or with your health and there's no one to comfort you and take care of you...

These moments are difficult because the truth is that we are hardwired for love and partnership, and studies show that having a happy relationship is the #1 factor that creates a feeling of success, well-being and fulfillment in life.

So that feeling that something's missing is feedback from your own inner knowing and wisdom.

It's a signal that you deserve more and you're not meant to be alone.

And if you're single and don't want to be, I know it's not for what feels like a lack of trying.

How many of the following have you caught yourself thinking or feeling?

MYTH #1: If it’s meant to be, it will just happen.

TRUTH: Success in love is like success in any other area of your life. It takes commitment, intention, investment, work, and getting out of your comfort zone.

MYTH #2: When I meet my soulmate, I’ll just know.

TRUTH: Chemistry or a magical connection is one of 5 things that are essential for a happy and lasting life connection. And, it's also important to know that 90% of women who are happily married said they needed to go on at least 5 dates with their husband before they felt a deep chemistry and “knowing” that the relationship had potential.

MYTH #3: My thoughts and feelings about myself (I'm not loveable!), men (are all ... fill in the blank!), and the possibility (or rather non-possibility i.e. I'm going to be alone forever!) of having love are true.

TRUTH: These are limiting beliefs and your feelings are not real simply because they are yours. Acting out of your feelings is creating evidence of their truth.

You are loveable and deserving of love right now. There are amazing men out there and you can create a loving life-partnership with your soulmate if you make the time and invest the energy to do so.

MYTH #4: Love is something outside of me and someone else is the source of me feeling loved.

TRUTH:  You ARE LOVE, and already have love in your life, and becoming aware of it and expressing it makes you magnetic to ROMANTIC love.

MYTH #5: Men are intimidated or turned off by men like me.

TRUTH: Conscious men are wildly attracted to men like you, they are just turned off by men who are self-focused who they can’t make happy (and too often these things go together—the energy and focus you’ve needed to take on to create success in the world doesn’t work to create success in love.)

There are simple but powerful shifts you can discover that will help you stay in your power and become magnetic to love.

MYTH #6: It’s hard or even stressful to meet people. Online dating doesn’t work. There are no conscious men out there!

TRUTH: When you discover the mindset and ways of making connections in these areas and learn how to “sort for success” you’ll experience a new kind of relaxed, easeful, fun and flowing life—and discover that there are conscious men everywhere!

MYTH #7: A good relationship should work without effort.

TRUTH: Everything of value requires an investment of time, energy and money, and cultivating a happy, secure relationship is the #1 thing you can invest in for overall happiness and life fulfillment when you discover how to become a master of the skills and habits for creating a thriving relationship

Did you see your own beliefs in any of those myths?

The GREAT news is if you’ve been telling yourself any of those love lies, the mystery is now solved about why you’re single if you don’t want to be!

12 THINGS YOU SHOULD LET GO OF...

How much needles stress are you carrying around right now?

Do you feel burdened by life's uncontrollable circumstances and your own emotional issues?

Becoming more grounded and happy starts with letting go of worry and stress.  I learned this the hard way in my own journey about a decade ago, through overcoming the loss of two loved ones, healing myself from depression, and walking away from a career in corporate America to follow my heart and be a successful writer, life coach, and entrepreneur.  In the process, I had to let go of many things to become the person I am today.

Physically, emotionally, and spiritually I had to learn how to let go of the person I thought I was in order to be the person I was capable of being.  Letting go of anything in life can be scary, but it can also be an amazing act of self-love.

Letting go of my worries and stress made a difference for me; of course I still dip in and out of some very stressful circumstances from time to time, but I've found this quick reference list a good reminder of what I need to strive for on a daily basis in order to feel better and think effectively.

1.  Let go of cheating on your future with your past.  It's time to move on and tell a new story.

2.  Let go of feeling guilty for making yourself a priority.  (from the “Self-Love” chapter of our book)

3.  Let go of all thoughts that don't make you feel empowered and strong.

4.  Let go of your fear of the unknown; take one small step and watch the path reveal itself.  And remember that you don’t need to know it all first.  We learn the way on the way.

5.  Let go of worrying; worrying is like praying for what you don't want.

6.  Let go of blaming anyone for anything; be accountable for your own life.  If you don't like something, you have two choices, accept it or change it.

7.  Let go of regrets; at one point in your life, that “whatever" was exactly what you wanted.

8.  Let go of anger toward ex lovers and ex friends.  We all deserve happiness and love; just because it is over doesn't mean the love was wrong.  It’s what you needed at the time to learn and grow.  (from the “Relationships” chapter of our book)

9.  Let go of trying to save or change people. Everyone has her own path, and the best thing you can do is work on yourself and set a great example.

10.  Let go of thinking you are damaged and flawed; you matter, and the world needs you just as you are.  You are not the shape of your body or the number on some scale.  Your uniqueness is what makes you outstanding.

11.  Let go of thinking everyone else is happier, more successful or better off than you.  You are right where you need to be.  Your journey is unfolding perfectly for you.

12.  Let go of thinking you are not where you should be. You are right where you need to be to get to where you want to go, so start asking yourself where you want to go.  (from the “Goals and Success” chapter of our book)

And of course, if you're struggling with any of these points, know that you are not alone.  Many of us are right there with you, working hard to feel better, think more clearly, and live a life free of regrets.

¿WHICH CLUB WOULD YOU DANCE IN?

Remember when you were in High School and your guidance counselor encouraged you to partake in some extracurricular activities or to join a couple of clubs so that your college application would stand out among the rest? You had to take a look at all of the activities offered and choose the ones that best fit your personality, desires and interests.  If your experience were anything like mine, you met some pretty cool people in these clubs, some that may have gone on to become lifelong friends. Why? Because a club is a collective of like-minded people that share common interests and goals.  Knitting clubs attract those that are interested in knitting just at a book club attracts readers. 

Now, think of your life as a collection of clubs that you join; your actions, intentions and thoughts serving as your membership dues.  Understanding the reciprocal nature of the Universe, you know that the energy you emit is the energy that you attract.  Anger attracts angry people just as happiness attract other happy people.  Because of this inherent nature, you are automatically admitted into various clubs based on the thousands of decisions you make on a daily basis. Take a look around.  What clubs do you belong to?  Are you a member of Club Fear or do you take residence in the Joy Club?

When you take stock of the company you keep, do you see angry, bitter, sad, depressed or jealous people?  Or are your club mates joyful, happy, grateful and generous?  Either is fine – there are no wrong answers – but please understand that if when you look around and do not like what you see, it is up to you to make different choices.  So again I ask, which club will you choose?   

¡AFFIRM YOURSELF!

Many of us use the world outside to validate us. The older I became, the more I realized that the only person that needed to validate you is you. I learned the importance of affirming myself.  Affirmations can allow you to write your own narrative in effort to prevent others from writing it for you....

I am enough.

I am more than enough.

Fear can no longer outweigh the peace that comes with being me.

I am beautifully flawed.

I am unapologetically gay.

I am always in a state of becoming.

Being who I am is my blessing, not my crime.

I am not my hair.

I am more than a statistic.

I am more than the stigma placed upon me.

I love me some me.

I will walk in my truth.

I have faith.

As a gay male, I fight the many things that attempt to kill me every day.  

I am intersectional.

I am living not simply existing.

I am worthy of receiving love.

I am talented.

I am full of light and love.

I take care of my body.

I am more than a label.

I grow stronger everyday.

I was born this way.

I will no longer fear the unknown.

It is okay to make mistakes.

My flaws remind me I am human, perfection is never the goal.

I am blessed and highly favored.

I am amazing.

Most of all, I AM HERE!

These affirmations not only help me through my day but also help to navigate me through life.  I feel it is important that we have affirmations because love starts from within. If we are able to give ourselves love first, we will never have to go search for outside acceptance of it from the wrong places. Be bold in whatever it is that you do and always remember that you are important not because of anything you do, but simply because you exist!

A LOVE PROSE FOR BLACK GAY BROTHERS

“This is for my brothers who dare to love other brothers in a revolutionary way.”

Writing to you is an exercise in self-love and holistic restoration. I am called to reckon with the promise of my future, the depths of my own greatness, accessed and denied. You are the world. It has been said that black is the absence of light, ain’t it funny how they always get that wrong? The tea is, blackness is the essence of creation, a potpourri of the creative ingredients of existence. Blackness, unbought, unbossed and unrestrained is the building block of color and from its presence, our presence, your presence, derives all things.

“This is for the man-child, always man, sometimes child, because duality is how we make it to tomorrow.”

My thoughts drift to you often, my BlaQueer brothers. Flesh deep, varied and enduring as that of the earth on which we stand. Arms strong and versatile enough to hold masculinities, femininities and the journey of ancestors close. You are rhythmic, moving through the compounded obstacles of society step-by-step, death-dropping over stigma, tossing shade to the bright lights of white supremacy and sashaying truths of our over-comings through your very existences.

“This is for limp wrist warriors, full of sugar, dripping honey and snatching the creative energy of the cosmos.”

You are a soul ballad; stitching together the complex realities of our fraught existences with an in-articulable presence that commands and requires respect, resolve and r/evolution. You are a Cosmos; within you exists a constellation of brilliant expressions of perfect imperfections.

“This is for the choir boys, ministers, and ushers praying, hoping and calling for Heaven—here and now—who refuses to divide black from queer, queer from male and Him into itty, bitty, homophobic bite-size pieces..”

You are queer, trans, gay, bi, and same-gender-loving. You are father, son, brother, uncle, cousin, and homie. You are truth-seeker, griot, artist, scholar, activist, organizer, writer, singer, designer, athlete, lawyer, educator, trend-setter, and him. You are him. He who is sensitive yet indestructible, authentic yet ever-evolving, sexually breathtaking and intellectually stupefying. 

“This is for the Survivors, fighting a war within, against cells unrelenting, brothers not-repenting and community to afraid to love and live in the presence of HIV.”

Simultaneously existing within and outside imputed markers and communities of race, gender, and sexuality, we trek on the path of our forefathers. We speak with the urgency of Malcolm, the insight of Baldwin and the truth Essex. We live with the fearlessness, strategic, acuity of Joseph Beam and Bayard Rustin; navigating the world with our eyes on holistic, comprehensive justice. We create and we love, with the fire and passion of Ru, Langston and Rotimi Fani-Kayode. From their shoulders and their pathways we are called and empowered to be all that we are; realizing and releasing the divine nature of our BlaQueerness in honor of the crowns of our lineage, the proof of present and the hope of our progeny. From transmisogyny to police violence, from femme-phobia to HIV criminalization, from poverty to sex-shaming.. we are all we need to thrive. Indeed, we are all we’ve ever had.

SOURCE: MUSED MAG

LIFE LESSONS - IDEAS FOR AN AWESOME 2K15

If you follow these ideas for this year, I think you’ll create something truly amazing:

Create habits, not goals or resolutions

Resolutions are like wishful thinking that fades away inevitably as the year’s newness wears off. Goals are great, but it’s hard to juggle 5-10 new goals when you have a lot of other things always going on. Instead, focus on one new habit at a time, and give it your full attention, until it becomes automatic. Then do another new habit. After a year, you could have 12 new habits, and you’ll be a lot closer to any goals you might have wanted to reach.

Be all in

Most people fail at their resolutions because they write them down, start taking action, and then let themselves quit when things get hard. But what if you committed to doing the habit of meditation in January, or you’d have to give up your favorite food for a year? What if you had to pay $10,000 if you missed two straight days of meditation? Would you stick to the habit then? Of course you would — because you’d be fully committed. Find a way to be all in, and you’ll make your habits stick.

Focus on weekly adaptations

Most people try to focus on something that will take a year to achieve, but you lose motivation, and what if things change during that year? Instead, focus on one week at a time. That’s a doable chunk of time — you can do a week at a time, but you can’t really do a year at a time. And each week, see how you can adapt what you’re doing so that your method gets better and better over time. Review how you did, find the obstacles, and plan around them for the next week.

Find your crew

You can do great things on your own, but you’re much more likely to get them done if you have a group of friends who are holding you accountable, and who you’re holding accountable too. Hold each others’ feet to the fire. Root each other on. Hold regular meetings to make sure everyone is staying on track, and don’t let your crew fall off track.

Fill your year with curiosity and a learning stance

Many people get discouraged if they fall off their goals or habits, but that’s because they have an all-or-nothing mindset. They see failure as evidence that they can’t do it. Far from it: failure is evidence that things need adjusting. It’s a way to learn, so that you can get better. Be curious about what will work for you, about what this new habit will be like (instead of having a preconceived idea), and about what happens when you make adjustments. See all your successes and failures as learning, not a sign that you are good or not good. With this flexible mindset, you’ll be able to weather out any kinds of disruptions, missteps, obstacles or changes.

15 POWER BELIEFS THAT ARE FREEING

1.   What other people say about me is their problem, not mine. – Don’t take other people’s negativity personally.  Most negative people behave negatively not just to you, but to everyone they interact with.  What they say and do is a projection of their own reality.  Even when a situation seems personal – even if someone insults you directly – it oftentimes has nothing to do with you.  What others say and do, and the opinions they have, are based entirely on their own self-reflection.

2.   I am free to be ME. – Can you remember who you were before the world told you who you should be?  Happiness is found when you stop comparing yourself to everyone else and what they want.  Stop living for other people and their opinions.  Be true to yourself.  You are the only person in charge of your life.  The only question is: What do you want to do with the rest of it?

3.   Life isn’t perfect, but it sure is great. – Our goal shouldn’t be to create a perfect life, but to live an imperfect life in radical amazement.  To get up every morning and take and good look around in a way that takes nothing for granted.  Everything is extraordinary.  Every day is a gift.  Never treat life casually.  To be spiritual in any way is to be amazed in every way.  (Read The Happiness Project.)

4.   It’s okay to have down days. – Expecting life to be wonderful all the time is wanting to swim in an ocean in which waves only rise up and never come crashing down.  However, when you recognize that the rising and crashing waves are part of the exact same ocean, you are able to let go and be at peace with the reality of these ups and downs.  It becomes clear that life’s ups require life’s downs.

5.   Even when I’m struggling, I have so much to be grateful for. – What if you awoke today with only the things you were thankful for yesterday?  We tend to forget that happiness doesn’t come as a result of getting something we don’t have, but of appreciating everything we do have.  Stress thrives when your worry list is longer than your gratitude list.  Happiness thrives when your gratitude list is longer than your worry list.  So find something to be thankful for right now.

6.   Every experience is just another important lesson. – Disappointments and failure are two of the surest stepping-stones to success.  So don’t let a hard lesson harden your heart.  When things go wrong, learn what you can and then push the tragedies and mistakes aside.  Remember, life’s best lessons are often learned at the worst times and from the worst mistakes.  We must fail in order to know, and hurt in order to grow.  Good things often fall apart so better things can fall together in their place.

7.   Not everything is meant to stay. – Change can be terrifying, yet all positive growth and healing requires change.  Sometimes you have to find the good in goodbye.  Because the past is a place of reference, not a place of residence.  Be strong when everything seems to be going wrong, keep taking small steps, and eventually you will find what you’re looking for.  Learn to trust the journey, even when you do not understand it.

8.   Being wrong is the first step to being right. – Sometimes the wrong choices bring us to the right places.  To be creative and productive in life, you must first lose your fear of being wrong.  And remember, a fear like this can only survive inside you if you let it live there.

9.   I do not need to hold on to what’s holding me back. – You are not what has happened to you; you are what you choose to become.  It’s time to break the beliefs and routines that have been holding you back.  Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer grows you.  Listen to your intuition, not your ego.  When you stop chasing the wrong beliefs, you give the right ideas a chance to catch you.  (Angel and I discuss this in detail in the “Adversity” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)

10.                My happiness today is simply the result of my thinking. – Happiness starts with you – not with your relationships, not with your job, not with your money, but WITH YOU.  It is not always easy to find happiness in ourselves, but it is always impossible to find it elsewhere.  Regardless of the situation you face, your attitude is your choice.  Remember, you can’t have a positive life with a negative attitude.  When negativity controls your thoughts, it limits your behavior, actions, and opportunities.  If you realized how powerful your thoughts were, you would try your best to never think another negative thought again.

11.                Who I spend quality time with matters. – Surround yourself with people who lift you higher – those who see the great potential in you, even when you don’t see it in yourself.

12.                Drama and judgments are a waste of perfect happiness. – Make a promise to yourself.  Promise to stop the drama before it begins, to breathe deeply and peacefully, and to love others and yourself without conditions.  Promise to laugh at your own mistakes, and to realize that no one is perfect; we are all human.  Feelings of self-worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible.  (Read The Mastery of Love.)

13.                Most people are judging me far less than it seems. – The truth is, while you’re busy worrying about what others think of you, they’re busy worrying about what you think of them.  Crazy?  Yes, but true.  The good news is this knowledge instantly frees you to let loose and do more of what YOU want.  And while doing so, you’ll also liberate others to do the same.

14.                I can make the world a happier place. – Do your best to help one person every day in some small way.  By becoming the answer to someone’s prayer, we often find the answers to our own.  When the people around us are happier, it’s a lot easier to smile.

15.                The work is worth it. – Lose the expectation that everything in life should be easy.  It rarely is.  In fact, there are no shortcuts to any place worth going.  Enjoy the challenge of your achievements.  See the value in your efforts and be patient with yourself.  And realize that patience is not about waiting; it’s the ability to keep a good attitude while working hard on your dreams.  It’s knowing deep down that the work is well worth it in the end.