GAY MEN: ¿BAD @ DATING OR OUT OF PRACTICE?

Gay men aren’t bad at dating, we are just out of practice.

As little boys, many of us know that it was absolutely not OK to to tell another boy that you like him as this  wouldn’t serve us well on the playground. So we don't. We don't tell anyone, and most times not even to ourselves, that we think boys are cute and feel good about it. However straight peers were afforded the opportunity to openly experience lust, and love, attraction, heartbreak, jealousy, and a full range of physical affection that we are closed off from. Leaving many of us feeling cheated by the lack of heartache we would have experienced.

The fact that we aren't allowed to  openly have heartaches at an earlier age, hinders us and throws us behind the relationship 8 ball. Many of us are less fluent in how to cope with each other. And being restricted by life in this way, we are bound to be bowled over by love when seek it. When we first start dating we might feel we need just that one person, but I am of the opinion that many persons that come into our lives teaches us about ourselves in so many ways. Aside from finding out who you are as a gay man, you also learn how to differentiate feelings. Is it a crush, genuine attraction, do you just want to make out for a little while, or would you actually consider bringing this person home for the holidays?

 I’m painfully aware of our tendencies to fall for people quickly. Sure, the feelings typically pass through as quickly as they arrive, but what can I say? I think we just love the possibility of love. Having said that, it would be so wonderful for many of us to have that level of self-awareness at 21 and saved ourselves from the embarrassment of telling your best friends you pretty much fell for every guy that you made eye contact with. 

Maybe, just maybe, this is why gay men often project on one another a bad reputation when it comes to relationships. Tired old stereotypes, like gay men never want to settle down, hurt us so much more than we are willing accept. What if it has nothing to do with identifying a specific way and rather, some gay men are just out of practice? I didn’t even know what it felt like to be truly, romantically in love until I was in my late 20s. We owe it to ourselves and to our future to get it right. One day, fingers crossed, little gay boys the world over will have the opportunity to safely and openly experience the myriad emotions of the human condition just as early as their other friends on the playground. But until then, here’s to being patient with each other as we figure it out along the way.

A CASE FOR LOVING THE GAY MAN THAT LEAVES YOU BEHIND...

Whenever love crumbles, we’re quick to extend a hand to the lover who got left behind. Watching them carefully, we offer them car rides in the sunshine, meals as darkness overtakes the skies, a shoulder to steady them as they mend. We connect to it, their hurting, to the sorrow and humiliation of having been the one still drawing a map for the future while their lover packed up. And so we stay with them, prop them up, and help them find the tools they need to gather themselves together again.

The lover who left, however, often faces the journey alone.

It’s harder to understand the pain of leaving, of being the first one to close a chapter. We’re quicker to see the cracks somebody left behind, the wounds aching freshly in the wake of their departure, than we are to notice what they’re carrying.

The end of love, whether we’ve chosen its ending or not, finds us walking on unsteady feet. At every turn, in the days following, we are reminded of what we have lost along the way. In the morning, we reach for our phones and find our inboxes empty of morning messages. At lunch, a song emerges in the background that reminds us, quietly, of the night we slow danced together, hands clasped, hearts thundering. Throughout our days, we stop ourselves from sending photos of the thousand things that make us remember. At night, we pull our blankets over ourselves and work not to notice the void beside us. Once love dissolves, we all find ourselves reassembling a self.

The lover who left carries these things, too, along with a litany of emotions unique to having broken a heart. There’s the tangle of shame, the mess of realizing their own recklessness. There’s concern for the person they’ve just shattered, paired with helplessness to provide that person any kind of comfort. There’s the uncertainty of having done what’s right, the worry of discovering they’ve made an irrecoverable mistake. There’s the discovery, in the aftermath of breaking somebody else’s a heart, that there’s heartbreak in the leaving.

I’ve stood there, in both sets of shoes, at the crumbling of love. I’ve been the lover left behind, scouring the story I’d been living for all the signs I’d missed, wishing away the embarrassment and the pitiful glances and the pain that won’t leave until it’s ready. I’ve been the lover who’s left, shedding my tears in solitude and searching in the mirror for a human in place of a monster. The experience of healing, of learning to stand after the fall of heartbreak, is deeply, definitively human.

¡NO FEMS!

The proliferation of gay dating profiles that feature a headless torso alongside a description of ‘no fems’ is one the most depressing aspects of modern gay culture. For me, it’s doubly troubling because so many gay men feel that it is just about preference when it is about so much more. When are we going to uncomfortable about promoting and advertising ignorance so freely?

Of course, none of this is really new. We have been pontificating over the whole “masc4masc” thing for a while now and gay men in my opinion are simply just overcompensating for their queerness, because on some level, they see their queerness as negative and that their sexual orientation makes them a ‘sissy’ by default.”

Sadly many gay men need to be seen as ‘straight acting’ so they can be desired by a large demographic of gay men, hoping to embody these traits of the heterosexual male in their gay lifestyle.

I get that many gay men who are about that Masc4Masc 'lifestyle' let us know straight off the bat who they are, but do you really want/need such a man in your life? 

What are your thoughts on guys you write “no fems” or “masc4masc” on their dating profiles?

THE GAY MAGICIAN...

Being a gay magician is one of the most interesting jobs in the world.

The gay magician knows that audiences are aware that they are being tricked. But deep down, they also know people often want to believe that the illusions are real. So they stay. And as long as the he maintains the illusion with clouds of smoke, spring-loaded hats, rigged dice, sedated bunnies, and other things that don't make sense, the audience will commit to the aggreement. However, if the he reveals the mechanisms he uses to execute his tricks, the spectater is then overcome by betrayal that the illusion presented before them wasn't in fact real but a fantasy of how things could be.

Behind his curtain is a secret that both he and you are comfortable keeping hidden; even though, as I suspect you already know, he's hiding more than his sexuality. By asking you not to get attached, he's not offering you a choice or even the option of a relationship. 

By accepting his illusive behavior, you've given him an audience to offer you any excuse or explanation he likes without giving you an opportuinity to repond. Fortunately for you, people aren't as complicated as they're built up to be. When a person is being genuine they are comfortable expressing expresses themselves clearly, which it sounds like he has by mentioning that he's not interested in growing your relationship. The illusion comes in by refusing to hear the reality of what he's expressed and instead relying on what could possibly happen if you get what you want.

He's already revealed his truth, regardless of the motivation. Knowing this, as long as you agree to be his romp on the side you'll continue to be treated as one, complete with a stage full of smoke and mirrors each time you ask for more. 

This match is not playing out in your favor, especially since you both carry two different sets of expectations. It's in your best interest to tear your ticket and walk away before your feelings go deeper, or to open opportunities for other guys to enter your life who may be a better match for what you're looking for.

THE NEVER ENDING DATING GAME (FOREVER SINGLE)

When it comes to relationships, gay men can be some of the most jaded humans on our overly-cynical dirt ball of a planet. Which is just typical of us *eye roll*...

Long-term love can be elusive to many gay men. It’s a common perception (perhaps misperception) that we find it harder than most, and when we see those who actually do find it, we openly sneer at their happiness. Without the confines of a ‘heteronormative’ life goal, does our level of commitment to commitment diminish?

Do we have too much choice when it comes to the buffet of men out there?

Or are we simply slaves to the often cruel lottery of love?

¿IS HE GAY OR NOT? ASKING HIM OUT FOR A DATE...

I remember having no problem the first time I asked a guy out. But it was a simple matter  because I knew he was gay. But what if you don't know?

You want to ask a guy out but you do not know if he is gay. How would you do it?

¿MOVING IN WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND/PARTNER?

Moving in together is one of the milestone steps any couple takes. It’s in everyone’s ‘plan’ as being somewhere between saying “I love you” and getting hitched. It seems a very grown up thing to do.

Having taken that step a few years ago, I thought I would share with you the five fears I think are common for everyone about to take the shared property plunge.

1. What will happen to my personal space?

It’s a legitimate fear. Up until the point of moving in we’re probably used to either having our own room at our parents’ house, our own place or maybe a shared house with friends. We’ve always had our own dedicated space. It was a few weeks after agreeing to move in that it actually dawned on me that this plan would involve sharing space. In my head I guess I’d sectioned my partner off in some imaginary wing of the home or else fitting in around all my stuff, like the spare drawer we give up when they first start staying over. It’s a reality you’ll have to face. The house is going to be shared space for the two of you – that’s kind of the point. If it’s a genuine worry and you value your personal space, pick a little corner. Make it your snug or your den or your office. Have a special chair or spot on the sofa that’s your spot. It’s important to carry over that feeling of dedicated personal space we get used to.

2. What about bed habits?

I think Paloma Faith said it in her song ‘Just Be’; you’ll watch all the little things that once drew you to them, eventually get on your nerves. We all have habits that will likely annoy someone else, simply because that’s not what they’re used to. Whether its leaving towels on the bathroom floor, always having their phone in their hand or snoring every night, we all have a habit that will likely drive someone around the bend. Just remember, as annoying as you find them, you are just as annoying. You can take solace in your mutual annoyance. The fact is as much as you think you know your other half, a whole tonne of stuff will be revealed when you live together. It all adds up to the reasons why you love them though, right?

3. Who is in charge?

Relationships always involve a balance of power. Things need to be done and duties need to be divvied up. Who does what? Who sorts the bills, walks the dog, cleans the toilet? Now it is literally just you two together and everything that happens under that roof is down to you guys. You have to do it all and decide which way to work it between you. Chances are that each of you will feel as if you’re doing the greater share of work. The trick is to maintain that feeling. Power works best when everyone thinks they’re doing better. (and you thought the washing up was a simple task that was totally independent from any sort of make or break power struggle – wrong, it’s serious stuff).

4. Will you get bored?

I’ll make this an easy answer. Yes. There will be days when you’ll be bored out of your mind because expectations of living together rarely sit parallel with dream visions of paying bills, sorting mail, running food shops and cleaning bathrooms. That’s the often omitted reality of it all. Especially when we move in together relatively early, which seems to be more common these days. It can be a lot of fun and there will be some great times but spending 24/7 with one person will sometimes leave you with very little to say. And that’s fine!

5. Communication

Not so much a question but the one tip I would give everyone. Communicate with your partner. Moving in together is an amazing experience but it only works if you communicate fully. In an age when we spend more time talking screen to screen than we do face to face, it can take a while to get used to the change of pace and rhythm of having someone with you 24/7. Whether it’s deciding which space is yours, where you go out on the weekend, who does the washing up or just trying to get them to pick the towel off the bathroom floor. Communicate. Do that and I think taking the step of moving in together could be one of the best things you ever do.

GAY MEN & CREATING THE "PERFECT" MAN...

We’ve all known somebody that did absolutely nothing for us sexually. Then a few months down the line you bump into them into a club, and they’ve been hitting the gym, taking care of themselves and all of a sudden we’re telling them, “you look well” (aka: fuck you’ve turned it around, I’d dick you now). Followed by the clichéd “good to see you” message.

It’s certainly a nice idea in theory, especially if all you’d have to do is get them a decent haircut and throw away their hideous shoes, but you can drag a lazy gay to a gym, but you can’t make him workout. You can get a shiny new toy, but you better believe that every other kid in the playground is gonna try and play with it. So you better make sure he’s fallen good and hard while he’s still in ruins.

Like developing a property, developing a boyfriend can require a lot of time and effort, for much less return. You could also encounter stubborn foundations, and get refused planning permission for your transformation. The key is not to undertake too big a project; you just wanna redecorate, not refurbish the entire venue. It’s a gentle nudge in the right direction towards more your type, not changing an entire person ’cause they make you chuckle every now and then. And while it may seem superficial to try to alter anyone’s appearance, is it not in fact the opposite of that, because you’ve actually seen beyond the hair, and the clothes and the grooming, to what’s beneath?

MAKING FRIENDS AS GAY ADULTS

One thing no one tells you about being an adult is how lonely you will be. People tell you about the responsibilities, the hard work in front of you, hell, they even tell you all the possible STDs you can get from unprotected sex. But for some reason, people seem to gloss over the fact that it’s really, really hard to make friends as an adult. And, as a result, a lot of gay men I know are lonely.

Romantic relationships are arguably easier to find because there’s a physical attraction or at least the promise of one. Gay men are motivated to find romantic relationships, so they’re more open to talking to strangers in restaurants or at a function with who they find intriguing. But if I’m in a dimly lit bar one Saturday night, and I see a man my age across the way, and I want to get to know him (strictly on a platonic basis), what do I do? Buy him a drink? Compliment his outfit? Try to get his number?

In a world full of #squadgoals and selfies, it can be hard to admit that it is difficult to maintain or begin a friendship with other gay men. Do you find it hard to make friends as adult gay men?

¿WHY CAN'T GAY MEN COMMUNICATE EFFECTIVELY IN RELATIONSHIPS?

There’s a common misconception that gay men can’t hold down a relationship or that they jump from boyfriend to boyfriend always looking for the next best thing. We of course know that’s not true. Many gay men are in long-term relationships, have civil partnerships or are married.

The lack of communication was often down to gay men not telling each other how they feel and, in some cases, not being able to communicate the type of sex they want. Perhaps this is just a human trait. Where love is concerned it’s often hard to see the wood for the trees, especially when the trees are yelling at you in the kitchen because you didn’t load the dishwasher. However, it could also be because gay men lack full education around same sex relationships. Anything gay men do hear growing up tends to be focused on heterosexual couples and more ‘traditional’ relationships, whereas gay men often don’t follow this path.

A lack of sex and relationships education could be the reason we often find it difficult to navigate their way out of difficult relationships or unable to resolve issues to save them. Perhaps it’s another inequality that we as gay men face and seek to change.

By focusing on issues such as developing communication and relationship skills, we can establish healthy relationships, which benefit our general well-being and the well-being of current and future relationships.

THE 'CIVILIZATION' OF GAY MEN: A STOLEN EXISTENCE...

Knock on any door and inside will be found those responsible for the stolen lives of gay men. Instead of being protective of the a queer child’s destiny, those caretakers are following the same protocol that was done to them as children. They are training up the child so that it will forever reflect the civility of the present culture.

Parents who maintain their socially-given identity cannot be the true guardians of queer children. The true destiny of children is to be the possessors of their own pristine awareness and to respond to life’s challenges from that state. The guardian’s role is to guard by first protecting the child from those who feel it is their duty to mold (clone) the child into the image liken onto themselves; to provide the space where completeness can come to fruition.

From childhood to adulthood the chances of a queer child reaching its flowering (completeness) is extremely rare. The fragrance from such a being would be considered as un-acceptable. The adulthood of such a being would see itself as a stranger in a foreign land. Societies believe they function at their finest with clones and drones and not with those showing independence.

The moment we accepted the role as charlatan, we were instantly cast out of the garden of choice-less (effortless) living, to our present state where false beliefs (given by others) are accepted as the norm. From that tainted pool are spewn forth the mis-guided responses that are perceived as our daily relationships.

Life expressing itself through our being is the meaning of life.

 That meaning, that life is my wish for you & me.

CHANGING THE WAYS WE RELATE MAN 2 MAN...

It is dishonest to enter into a relationship with the idea that you are going to change or fix a man.

A relationship, in the truest sense of the word, means relating to another. Usually when we say that we relate to someone, it is because we’ve found common ground. But part of relating is finding ways to make ideas that seem different come together. So often when we choose relationships, we try to fit another person into our predetermined ideal. When they don’t fit perfectly, we may try to make them over, creating our own vision from the raw material they’ve brought. But unless someone asks for guidance and direction, entering into a relationship with someone we want to change is dishonest. Then our relationship becomes with someone we’ve imagined, and anytime our partner steps outside of that imaginary projection, we will be disappointed. An honest relationship is one in which we accept each other as whole individuals, and find a way to share our life experiences together. Then, whenever we want, we can choose as a couple to give the relationship a makeover by renewing the !

 way we interact.

By wanting to give another person a makeover, we are basically saying we don’t accept them for who they are. If we take a moment to imagine the roles reversed, we can get a sense of how it would feel if our beloved only committed to us because they thought we were, or would become, someone else entirely. In such an environment, we are not relating to each other from a real place, and we are keeping ourselves from being able to learn and grow from the different viewpoints that our partners offer.

If we feel that a change is needed in our relationship, the only makeover that we truly have the power to make is on ourselves. By accepting our partners for exactly who they are—the ideal and the not-so-ideal—we will create an energetic shift in our relationships, and we may find ourselves really appreciating our partners for the first time. Working from within, we determine how we relate to the people and the world around us, and when we can accept it and embrace it all, without conditions, we make every act of relating a positive one.

10 RULES FOR ASKING OUT A MAN ON THE FIRST DATE IN THE AGE OF GRINDR

Now that marriage equality is the law of the land, it is time for our community to learn how to date properly.

Two guys interested in each other romantically can stumble over those initial bumps in the road to romance and even marriage. Who asks who what, and when? With so many definitions of what makes a relationship, with open debate on the importance of legalized marriage or whether or not to be monogamous, it can be overwhelming to even think of how to ask someone out on a simple, old-fashioned date. And despite the prevalence of so many ways to find sex online, there are still a lot of us who prefer the good ol’ dinner and a movie.

We certainly don’t know the secrets to living happily ever after, but we do have some pointers for how to at least properly meet someone. Hint: good manners are always a good idea.

1. If you want to go on a date with him, ask him out

Welcome to the 21st Century, when straight women are empowered enough to ask men out. That means no one, gay or straight, should wait around to be asked. Perhaps you are shy, and that is a challenge, but everyone is scared of rejection. In fact, is selfish to expect someone else to always take the risk. And telling him, “Here is my number, text me if you want to go out sometime” is so depressingly passive, it does not deserve him giving you a response. Don’t be a wimp.

2. If you take the initiative to ask him out, have a plan of what you want to do

It was your idea to ask, so you should actually have an idea of a place to go. Asking him to go out, and then following it with the question “So where do you want to go?” or “When?” is the worst. He may not have been thinking about going out with you, and suddenly placing the responsibility on him to come up with a plan is stressful and rude. If you can’t think of someplace to go, it suggests that perhaps you are, sorry to say, boring.

3. If you offer the vague, non-committal “Let’s go out sometime,” and he agrees, you have three more texting encounters to finally make a suggestion

Asking someone to get together “sometime,” but never finding the time to do it, means you are always finding other activities you would rather do than go out with him on that date you suggested. So hurry up and make a commitment.

4. If you ask him and he declines, you can certainly try again (and you should, life is short), but it is his turn to ask you

Perhaps he doesn’t want to, which is a bummer but life goes on. Or, perhaps your first invitation was very casual, so ask a second time with a more specific suggestion. At least you tried. If he wants to pursue any sort of connection—on a date, as friends, whatever—he needs to meet you halfway. Never chase anyone. Sadly, there are people in this world who will keep sending you “What’s up” text messages only because they seek attention more than they seek affection.

5. If you asked him out, he said yes, and you agreed on a day/night of the week, always have a plan set before you go to bed the night before

Even if it is a quick message of “I get off at work around ____, I will text you then,” that is enough to let him know you remembered, and you respect the fact that he can’t wait around for you all day. And for God’s sake, remember Rule #2. Be a man.

6. If he asks you out and you want to meet, but you already have plans for the time he suggests, then offer another time.

Suggest something immediately, during that conversation. “I am busy on Friday. How about Saturday?” Boom. Done. If you aren’t sure of your schedule, of course you have the right to take a day or two to get back to him. But if you turn him down, and then a week or two later you text him, “I’m not busy now!”…good for you. His invitation has expired. You are not living in a Tennessee Williams drama, a southern belle sitting on your porch, sipping tea and welcoming gentlemen callers to woo you into marriage. You made him wait, so take off your hoop skirt. It is your turn to ask.

7. Stop sending countless texts and “smiles” and “woofs” on hookup sites to young, complimenting them simply for being young and beautiful

Carrie Fisher wisely said, “Youth and beauty are not accomplishments,” and she perfectly summed up the crisis that has engulfed our community’s next generation. In years past, young gay men (and all youth in the LGBT community) suffered without a support system to guide them as they learned how to become adults. When once we treated them with indifference, we now threaten them with overindulgence, as it is so easy to endlessly compliment them for doing nothing other than taking a selfie. Sending a 21-year-old a “smile” on Adam4Adam or a “woof” on Scruff is nothing more than a fleeting thought, an effortless gesture; but those messages add up in their inboxes, and eventually those lovely young men think they somehow deserve the attention provided by the lists of men who apparently think they are special. These boys have learned to view the outside world from the perspective of their identities as sexual objects, and when someone innocently attempts to speak to them as actual adult humans, it is presumably yet another tiresome attempt to have sex. Or, they become offended when they realize it isn’t. Either way, no one wins. Save your compliments for the people, young or old, who you actually know and like. Compliments should be part of an actual conversation.

8. An introductory phone conversation can tell you a lot about him, in just minutes. 

Cell phone technology has ruined the experience of talking on the phone, with garbled voices and never finding a convenient moment for both persons to talk. Endless texting, with the “What’s up” and “What do you like to do for fun” and “What are you into” questions, is no way to get to know a person. Speaking requires you to contribute to the conversation. So talk on the phone at least once, just for a few minutes, before you meet. Schedule a time, turn off your TV, sign out of Facebook, turn on some background music, and chat about your day. If you need something to do while you talk, fold some laundry or something similarly mindless. Then say “Thank you,” make a plan to go on a date (or don’t), and hang up and go on with your life. Meeting for the first time and being confronted with what he really looks like and acts like AND sounds like can be unnecessarily awkward. FYI, simply listening to a texted recording of his voice doesn’t count.

9. Sending a text message in front of someone else is the same as having a secret conversation

Imagine you are on a date. Someone walks up to your companion, they whisper something to each other, and they don’t tell you what they just talked about. Strange, yes? This is no different than being with someone while texting someone else. Texting has become a social necessity, but your date has no idea if you are sending a message of “This guy is so ugly and boring” and you are planning an escape. Or perhaps he thinks you just got a message on Grindr, and you’re texting back that you are on a date but can meet up for sex later. Even if it is an innocent message to your co-worker, isn’t your date important enough to put your phone away and pay attention for an hour? If it isn’t, perhaps you should leave and stop wasting his time. But remember: if you are always looking for something better, nothing will ever be good enough.

10. Whoever asked to go on the date, pays for the date

Asking a guy to meet you for a cup of coffee may not seem like a big deal, but still, buy him his stupid cup of coffee. In a perfect world, with two adults who both have jobs, you would each pay for yourself all the time. But even the most expensive cup of coffee is only $6, so show a little panache and thank him for taking the time to meet you in person. If you ask him to an expensive restaurant for dinner, don’t expect him to pay for his half. He may not be able to afford it.

Do you have suggestions for how to treat a guy on his first date?

SOURCE: QUEERTY

GAY MEN, WE ARE ALL CONNECTED, RIGHT?

It was a small gay world to start with but in the age of social media every gay man seems to know, or at least be one Facebook friend away from, every other gay man. Facebook, Instagram and even Linkedin suggest you know a person because, well, he’s also gay. This can mean that we think we know each other, when, in fact, we do not. 

But nonetheless...

Do you think every gay man is connected?

CONFIDENCE & GAY MEN...

Here are a few things you can do to start changing the dialogue, owning your confidence, and creating an environment that allows other gay men to do the same:

Encourage people in your life to speak openly about their accomplishments. Celebrate together. Become a safe space for confidence by encouraging that kind of positive self-talk. 

Accept compliments without caveat. You don’t have to minimize or shut down a compliment for anyone. Try this: Just say “thank you.” 

It’s OK to just receive a compliment.

Applaud other gay men when you see their confidence, rather than criticizing it. “Good for him” can become a regular part of your vocabulary instead of “Who does he think he is?” Give everyone permission to be themselves and proud of it.

Refuse to take part in confidence-knocking conversations. Instead, you might ask those chatting, “Why does his confidence bother you?” Or again, “good for him” works like a charm. Being mindful of not knocking others’ confidence will have a positive effect on those around you too.

¿WHY DO YOU THINK SOME GAY MEN ARE OBSESSED WITH LOOKS & PERFECTION?

So much of gay life revolves around appearances: what you look like, what your friends look like, where you hang out, what you’re doing or wearing. Sure, there are varying personality types and interests, but in searching for the most “fabulous” and perfect versions of things, do we fail to recognize the real value of everything else? 

AS GAY MEN, OUR EXES & FRIENDS CAN DATE EACH ANOTHER...¿RIGHT?

 To build upon the idea that everyone is a possibility and connected, we can date each other’s exes in a way the straight world doesn’t or won’t. We can become partners, sexual conquests, best friends and ex-boyfriends. Our ex can date our best friend, who was someone we at one point might have been dating. 

The relationships that exist within the gay community are so complex, and run so deep that it feels like we are in an endless connect-the-dots game that feels both familiar and obscene. The list could truly go on, but none of these points should be used as an excuse for cutting each other down. 

What do you think about our ability to date each other whether it causes problems or not?

SUCCESS MAKES YOU UNPOPULAR IN A WORLD WHERE BEING POPULAR IS STILL A THING

As gay men we work extra hard to prove to others, and to ourselves, that we are amazing because we were told by others, and ourselves, for a long period of time that we were anything but amazing. 

Once we get to the place we dreamed of for so long, we often find that those who were not so friendly before become extremely friendly for self-serving purposes. 

Unfortunately, the better we are doing professionally, romantically, or otherwise, the more others in our won community have something negative to say about us.

¿WHY DO WE SEPARATE OURSELVES INTO SUBGROUPS?

WE SEPARATE OURSELVES INTO SUBGROUPS. 

We have our wolves, otters, bears, daddies, babies, twinks, twunks, jocks and a neverending list of categories that ultimately say one thing: we aren’t equal, we are separate. 

We may cross paths, but often we tend to stick to those cliques that match ourselves, which, from a sociological perspective, makes sense. Comfort comes from understanding something, and we tend to understand ourselves better than someone we don’t know. 

However, in doing this, we revert to an immature notion that because someone doesn’t look like us it means that we don’t understand him or her. Not true, right?

GAY MEN & OUR SECOND ADOLESCENCE...

We don’t get to date like our straight peers growing up during high school. We miss out on sex, drinking, drugs or partying with people we find attractive so, when we move to a bigger city and finally meet more people like us, we go through a second adolescence. 

This wouldn’t be a problem except we don’t have anyone regulating us because we are now technically adults. Having no one to answer to when you have endless opportunity makes for a rich kid in a candy store, and that has the potential to create monsters on sugar highs.