WINNING ISN'T EVERYTHING...

...COMPETING WITH YOURSELF! The urges that drive us to compete with others tend to be straightforward. Years of both evolution and societal influences have shaped us to pit ourselves against our peers. The needs and desires that inspire us to compete with ourselves, however, are entirely personal and thus far more complex. A need to outdo our earlier efforts-to confirm that we have grown as individuals-can motivate us to reach new heights of accomplishment. We are capable of using our past achievements as a foundation from which we venture confidently into the unknown. Yet if this drive to compete with our former selves is the result of low self-worth or a need to prove ourselves to others, even glowing successes can feel disheartening. Examining why we compete with ourselves enables us to positively identify those contests that will enrich our existence. There are many reasons we strive to outdo ourselves. When we are ambitious in our quest for growth, we are driven to set and meet our own expectations. We do not look to external experiences of winning and losing to define our sense of self-worth. Rather, we are our own judges and coaches, monitoring our progress and gauging how successful we have become. Though we seek the thrill of accomplishment tirelessly, we do so out of a legitimate need to improve the world or to pave the way for those who will follow in our footsteps. Be careful, though, that your competitiveness is not the result of an unconscious need to show others that you are capable of meeting and then exceeding their standards. Consider, too, that successful efforts that would be deemed more than good enough when evaluated from an external perspective may not satisfy our inner judge, who can drive us ruthlessly. In order to attain balance, we have to learn the art of patience even as we strive to achieve our highest vision of who we are. When we feel drained, tense, or unhappy as we pursue our goals, it may be that we are pushing ourselves for the wrong reasons. Our enthusiasm for our endeavors will return as soon as we recall that authentic evolution is a matter not of winning but of taking pride in our progress at any pace.

INNOCENCE IS DEAD!

Wouldn’t it be nice to go back to the place of INNOCENCE? Back to that place before life was experienced? Before we took our first breathe? Before eating the fruit of knowledge? It would be so nice to open up our eyes for the first time and know we are the first born; the SON OF MAN. However as adults we now know what harshness of this world is all about and we know all to well that INNOCENCE DOESN’T EXIST ANYMORE. But oddly enough we seem to have this bizarre notion; we seem to be stuck on this crazy thought like it was some sort of sticky candy cane of bitter, irrefutable truth that it does exist. I can’t say that I blame them for thinking the way they do, but I also know that this same this sincere, fantastical idea is what causes the delusion that exists as far INNOCENCE is concerned. Tell me how it can be we were born pure and simple and clean like cute little puppies and then we somehow quickly become horribly corrupted by the world? How can INNOCENCE still exist when we have to stumble our way through and not get too soiled and damaged and emotionally shredded before finally taking in our last breathe? We all know that there is simply no such thing as an authentic human experience that doesn't somehow and in some way affect, stain, taint or scar us. Life as hard as it is cannot be avoided; it cannot be shunned or quieted or talked off the ledge. Even in childhood INNOCENCE doesn’t really truly exist. In other words, there is no such thing as a perfectly innocent life, or childhood, or experience, no such thing as strolling through this world wholly sheltered from, say, everyday trauma, shocking imagery, bad sex or inappropriate fondling, and if you insist that there is or that there should be or that this is the way God intended it, it is quite likely you are one violently over sheltered home-schooled virgin. But for your sake I will flip the switch…There is no human child on the face of the earth who has had some sort of ideally perfect, sex-free, trauma-free, drama-less life by which we should measure all our failures and woes. I am very much aware of the fact that there are no standards, no perfect score, no idyllic model to prove what I am saying, but what do you measure your belief in INNOCENCE by? How innocent can the world be if some kids don’t that it isn’t before they get to adulthood? How harsh to realize that we are meant to go through the modern world free of raw flesh and sticky blood and parasites, ever struggling to remain clean and pure. I say INNOCENCE is for the deluded and the notion of INNOCENCE is fueled by the cheerless Christian view which implies that human life is mostly pain and suffering and forbidden, guilt-ridden midnight masturbation and we are here to endure Satan's nasty trials until armies of angels come and lead us into the giant Blue Light special in the sky. This very same notion makes us believe that drama and trauma is what we are designed for and scarring and discoloration is what we do. Does that make sense to you? I know that we are here after all to experience and taste and immerse in it all. But how can you deny the fact that the world is full things that take away our INNOCENCE? So while you pretend that life didn’t deal you a blow and you look at life with your rose-colored glasses I hope it hurts as you scream as the wounds of life KICK YOUR ASS. I will laugh at how silly you look with your bandage as you heal awkwardly only to do it all over again…Is this not what it's all about? Stop misleading yourselves, Stop pretending as if INNOCENCE is still alive and well. The lavender-scented air and mess-free INNOCENCE you seek doesn’t exist so please live like it does. MY ADVICE TO YOU IS TO ACCEPT MY TRUTH, HOW CAN I BE WRONG? RESISTANCE IS FUTILE…All you can really do is grit your teeth, take a deep breath, unbutton your pants and smile.

¿A FEW GOOD MAN?

From the time I can remember I’ve been running into some pretty decent guys (at least what I thought) and we'd begin seeing one another. The thing that gets me is that all of a sudden, it seems to turn to their wanting something else even though I’ve laid it all out what I want and what I am all about when it comes to relationships. I have often thought about what I might be doing wrong, or what I could do to make sure the outlook is more positive, but I'm stumped. I know being single is not so bad, but I just really want to find a good MAN to share a life with. I wonder one time too often if there is A FEW GOOD MAN out there for me and where can I find one? I am a young 28 year old MAN, very compromising person, and tend to get along with just about everyone. I'm spiritual and in tone with myself I know my place on this planet, yet still I can’t seem to get beyond a certain point as far as MEN are concerned. This constantly makes me wonder and ask how did I end up here? Why did I meet this person only to be here again? I think that I set myself up to be misled at times because I try to be a good friend first, then a good boyfriend later. Crazy how that doesn’t work in this community…I compromise, I make sacrifices and yet here I am. I guess my down fall is that I start off being too honest and that’s something that most MEN cannot deal with. I know that I am a rare phenomenon, but what is a MAN to do? I pace myself and measure the actions of the MEN with what my needs are and we have honest discussions about things. We both agree and things seem as if they are on the right track, but oddly enough I know that it isn’t. Nothing like getting a box wrapped in shiny new paper, pretty bows and ribbons...to find that inside the box is empty. I wonder if I shouldn’t waste my time with MEN that are not going to work for me. I think that everyone I meet is for some reason, some real purpose; so how can I turn them away? The problem isn’t the WRONG MAN but the initial meeting we have. I know that the MEN that crossed my path all have something in common that drew them to me. I know that I need to trust my instincts and see what they are really there for. I get why they want what they say they think they want but I know wanting is only have of the battle. There isn’t enough of them to take all of me, don’t get me wrong I don’t think that I am all that but I do know my worth. With that notion how can I blame them for sensing that? How can I blame them for knowing that a MAN like me is what they want, but they are no way ready? Maybe I am the way for them to discover that the MAN they seek actually exist and that HE is within reach, just be ready for HIS arrival. The truth of the matter is that I know that there are many wonderful, beautiful, strong, independent and stable MEN out there who would be more than happy to develop a positive relationship with me. I just have to find them; I have to be able to separate the ones that are for me from the ones that just need me…

OUCH! THAT HURTS: ROOM-MATE EDITION

Funny how people live their lives as if only they matter. And I like a fool made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t grow up to become my mother and funny how I did…I guess no matter how much I changed, the core things about me never changed. For years and years I sat and watch as people come and take from my mother, leaving her broken and in pain; yet she wore her heart on her sleeve, pant, shoes…handbag…my mom had kindness coming out of her pores and is was sweet as perfume but stung her like the bee that came buzzing to the flower in search for that sweet aroma. I have grown up most of my life thinking about others but never to a point where I wanted to help in any which way. I always thought that what ever was ailing a person they brought it upon themselves but as time went on I learned better. I guess I am way too sensitive to the woes of life and it gets me every time and the weird thing is that I am seen as a BITCH for not letting people take advantage of me for the rest of my life. I bend over backwards for my friends (@ least I thought they were) and stood in the gap when they needed someone and typical human behavior they always want to get over on you. They come with no where to go, no food to eat and I say hey how I be of service? More like how can I allow you to use my ASS is what I should say! But the craziest thing about that is that I don’t have regrets nor would I change a thing. I am glad to be of service for I know that I don’t exist in a vacuum and I know that no MAN is an island. But that doesn’t mean that it didn’t hurt to have persons turn their backs on me when I decided that I can’t lend myself to be used. I wish that I was sorry for not allowing you to let your fresh out of prison cousin to live with me (YOU KNOW WHO U R). Sorry for trying to help you when you need a place to stay and I didn’t charge you anything extra because you were my friend. I guess you would miss my friendship if you leave the keys with the next door neighbor. Funny how I never went away, I am the same MAN. I wish I was sorry for not being friends with you after you moved out my place and we agreed that we would split the bills a few weeks later because you needed to get on your feet (YOU KNOW WHO U R). Funny how you said YES that works then later told a mutual friend that you didn’t think that you should and you didn’t. Guess I am your BITCH and you F&CKED me and had coffee…NO WONDER MY ASS FEELS BLISTERED AND BRUISED…I wish I felt sorry for the fact that your MOM didn’t want you to be on your own and you proved it to me (YOU KNOW WHO U R). Damn you came to me all desperate and down on your luck and I said I would help you. Funny how when you left you gave me a parting gift then came back for it months later…HMMM I GUESS I SHOULDN’T HAVE F&CKED YOU FIRST…I wish that I felt sorry for the fact that YOUR mom and step dad didn’t want your ASS around them. How weird that your own family can’t stand you and it’s even weirder that I got to find out why (YOU KNOW WHO U R). You stole, lied and maybe commit murder (still waiting on the news on that one) all to have your way. You are selfish and don’t know what or how to be a good person. Funny how I don’t hate you, I feel sorry for you guess I did cared about you…HOW COULD I NOT? You gave good HEAD and your KISSES were always soft and tender…Funny though, your ass wasn’t tight…BUT ALL IN ALL I CAN SAY THAT I GAVE YOU WHAT YOU NEEDED WHEN YOU NEEDED IT, TO DAMN BAD YOU TOOK OTHER THINGS THAT YOU DIDN’T NEED…I KNOW ON SOME LEVEL YOU MUST KNOW THAT HURT ME AND THE CRAZY THING IS THAT YOU DIDN’T WAIT AROUND FOR ME TO SAY, ‘OUCH THAT HURTS!’

BOUQUET OF CONSEQUENCES...

...SOONER OF LATER EVERYONE GETS THEIR SHARE...THINK BEFORE YOU FLAME!

TIME (REFLECTION)

EVERYONE WANTS TO CHANGE THE WAY THE WORLD IS. EVERYONE WANTS TO SEE THE WORLD HAPPY. BUT NO ONE REALISES THAT, TO MAKE THIS WORLD A HAPPY PLACE TO LIVE, YOU HAVE TO CHANGE YOURSELF...YOUR HEART & NOT THE WORLD...Time has made me realize that the things that I carried with me weren’t the things that will take me to the next level. I had so many things that weighed me down and I didn’t know how to overcome these elements in my life… I WORRY ABOUT MY FAMILY (even though they will never fully accept me). I WORRY ABOUT MONEY OR THE LACK OF IT (even though I know it won’t sustain me). I WORRY ABOUT WORK, ABOUT PROFESSIONAL CAREER (even though that like everything else in my life is out of my hands). I WORRY ABOUT FIND REAL TRUE LOVE (even though I know it’s going to happen, I still worry). The thing is that I realized that I allowed my WORRIES to control my life and I lived in FEAR! So I changed that because I came to understand that the moment I let FEAR take control of me, I became someone that wouldn’t and couldn’t go to the next level. I knew how to make things better for the truth lied within, yet I refused to reveal it. I allowed FEAR to silence me, I knew what to do but didn’t. FEAR made me feel as if I had enough but instead of fighting I felt like giving up. As the time changes I remembered when I changed and I had to pay no attention to the past because it won’t help me find a new beginning. Change has made me realized that I had to get to the other chapter of the book, the other race that LIFE has planned for me. Hence I couldn’t and I wouldn’t give the vanished days a backward look. The future is my time, and time is fleeting so I had to forget the buried woes and dead despairs. For there is brand new trial right at hand, the future is for him who does and dares… Old failures will not halt, old triumphs aid, to-day's the thing, to-morrow soon will be; I have to get in the fight and face it unafraid! And leave the past to ancient history; what has been has been; yesterday is dead. And by it I am neither blessed nor banned; I’ve taken courage and bravely forge ahead…

HUMANITY: BEING HOMOSEXUALS

"HUMANITY" becomes important only when contrasted with the nonhuman. Since no nonhuman creature is nearly as intelligent as are we on this planet, and we have yet to contact non-earth cultures, "humanity" is really not an important, even a relevant concept. Accept it: all those creatures that look like people are people — human beings. None of them has to prove that to anyone. Given this common base of human beingness, what matters is not humanity (human beingness) but the nature of the person — that is, not our base similarity, but our particular differences. He who is ashamed of his difference is ashamed of himself. All homosexuals in our culture start out being ashamed of ourselves. Isn't it time we outgrew that? The world tries to hold back the tide of change and as HUMAN BEINGS we need to remind them about what happens when a group of persons are held against their own free will. I know that in keeping homosexuals and lesbians down within constrained universality, in keeping us from developing our own particular cultures, heterosexuals have not gained but lost; that the longer heterosexuals oppress us with a false universality we shall all continue to lose; and that difference need not mean hostility, but repressed difference must. Everyone needs a group to identify with, and mankind is too large and meaningless a group for any adult to identify with satisfactorily. The group is the emotional extension of the self. He who is without a group often cannot know who and what he is. Mankind would be a small-enough group to identify with only if man had to share dominion over this planet with another intelligent race. Since that is not the case, our "humanity" is an irrelevant question, for we all have that. To rest on our "humanity", on our commonness, would deprive us of all motivation to assert ourselves and make our own contributions. Further, if we are all the same, what have we to say to each other? On the other hand, if we are all very different, we cannot communicate with each other, for we mean different things even by the same words, and speak past each other (as do homosexuals with lesbians and either with heterosexuals). Only they who are roughly alike can contribute to each other most meaningfully. The world naturally resolves itself to groups based on rough similarity, and interaction within such groups is the base not only of daily personal satisfaction but also of cultural progress. The most frequent, intensive, and constructive interaction takes place within these cultural entities, and much less among different entities. Homosexuals and lesbians have been denied cultural entities of their own but will have them soon. Only when we do might you be able to understand what there is to be proud of in being homosexual or lesbian. But for the time being, just realize that, as heterosexuals have been writing, talking, painting and drawing about heterosexuality for thousands of years in utter oblivion of homosexuality and lesbianism; continue to work feverishly within heterosexual themes without seeming to wear out all the possibilities; and do not feel any emptiness in their lives on that account, so homosexuals and so lesbians will in time come naturally to be fully wrapped up in living and expressing their lives and feelings, oblivious of heterosexuals and heterosexuality, and not feel any loss thereby.