MY PERMANENT DANCE WITH LIFE (A BETTER ME)?

I thought to myself leave things be, let him own up to part in this whole thing, I was never so wrong in my life! If I had been ‘myself’ I could have killed this whole situation, made him understand where I stood, what my ‘true’ feelings were. I wanted to tell him about the fact that I am tired of going down this path and I felt alone. I cannot see life with rose-colored glasses; I can’t pretend that things are okay. I wanna tell him about the fact that I was smiling in people’s faces that were FUCKING me over; I was just bracing myself for the fall because patterns here signaled the end. I know that I am the devastating LOSS, LOVE…DREAM. I am living my never-ending spiral of sadness and emptiness...the permanent state of my being caught up in this cycle. Did I bring this onto myself? I am not able to go deep within myself, unable to rediscover the light amidst the seeming darkness. I am outrage toward the universe for what I am enduring. This is supposed to be a happy moment for me, I am free…SINGLE! I want to experience moments of strength and laughter again. Little did I know that these things come with time and I would have to be patient and exercise compassion. I know that I will eventually find my center again, but first I would have to let pain take me; knowing that I fear of losing who I am, feeling a change of heart is an act of disloyalty or giving up. I couldn’t turn back now, I was already transformed, and the memories live more fully within me. Now I surrender to the natural movement, my permanent dance with life. I am now a man apart because I stayed living with him…waiting on him to let me go. Seeking clear horizons, I wanted to be bouncing along, light in spirit, free from worries and enjoying life. But this dark cloud formed and turned my skies grey accompanied by a fog. Can you imagine how my life feels right now? Puffs of white take on whimsical dark shades and my life disappear along with the sunshine...Will this be my final dance? Will the fear of love keep me cripple? I know for a fact that there is just one way to love and that is with 100% of my mind heart soul and body. Was I afraid of love? If I knew how much I love him, would things work for us? Will this ‘dance’ fail me again? Time and my mind are doing battle; time says I will be alone and my mind is having second thoughts. I wish I was not me, just wondering through life aimlessly…no hope, not a prayer in the world. Why can’t it be this way? The universe is teaching me such a hard lesson, things no man should endure.

A YEAR…DAY

Damn talk about time not standing still…A year and a day ago, I remembered so well; the day I made the decision that affected my entire existence on this planet. I never would have thought that this one moment, this one action would bring tears to eyes, pain in my heart and me to my knees. I never knew that ‘love’ took so much, thought it would have been easy, thought that I could just slip away and not feel a thing. I WAS SO FUCKING WRONG, SO MISTAKEN, SO CLUELESS…SO UNAWARE… At this point things just came out of me as if something had died; I was looking for an epiphany at the end I was left thinking why the fuck I even try? I knew that I gave all that I could…I knew that I he loved me, more than I loved him or so I thought. I told him that I felt that our ‘relationship’ had reverted back to us being just best friends, he seemed shocked, so confused I could tell that he didn’t know what to do. It was funny to me because I knew it was the ‘end’ for a long time now, think about it, he told me that a good ‘friend’ of me told him ‘you should look out for yourself.’ I couldn’t believe that, like huh? This is the man I placed before everything and everyone, when I say everyone I mean everyone. I am standing in front of this man who I didn’t think I loved, telling him I don’t want him to love me or me him and all he gave me was ‘I hate confrontations’ I was like WTF, I am thinking okay. He left he hanging blowing like a leaf in the wind, I let him go, but he kept me prisoner. I felt that my foundation cracked, the very soil that lived beneath me no longer existed. The trees were all dead, the flowers of ‘love’ that once bloomed…don’t; birds lose all acquaintance with song. The sun has forsaken me, all that exists were clouds; clouds that is so angry so harsh, so dark. If rain were to come that illuminate this impending doom; doom that has plagued my very existence, doom that is so real…Doom that is me! Because all that stood in front of me was my UN(FAMILIAR). I pondered my life with him, without him wondering not knowing what to do. Playing with the ‘if’ of life asking myself: If I walked away from it all today where would I be tomorrow? Would my hefty heart still split and part over-run by the weight of sorrow? Would I remember next week how bleak my choices looked yesterday? Would the world I know crumble and go because of bridges burned by actions today? Can I sit here as I do longing for you but never having what I used to? Could I turn away from all that I say and only feel that which is real? If he opened a door and promised me free what would I leave so he could remember me? If that door closed and I had to stay would this life be worth living or should I throw it away? I wanted God to come down from his mountain high and answered me. Free me of my obsessed grief, cut by a decision that offers no relief…I was ‘shadow~less’ my life on pause, constantly wondering if it was by way of choices or was it my fate? Why can’t I just exit to a place, escape out of this maze that is my life…no more smoking mirrors filled with despair & desolation. I am in my dark cell hoping for light, a parched soul that remains dry …unable to drink. Times of perplexity are upon me causing my heart to fail me…I fear of the things to come…

...NOW A MOMENT OF SILENCE

Love Lost
by Sara Birkett

The wind flows through my hair

And dries the tears from my face

I look around at all the beauty

And think of how it was then

When you loved me with your heart

And promised to never leave

But that was then and this is now

Your love for me is somehow gone

That promise you had made

Is no longer for me to have

To never love you again

That's why my tears fall

To never have that promise

Belong to my heart only

Your love taken from meIn my world of happiness

Never to be at my side

Or in my arms during the night

The wind so cold I shiver

Does not dry the tears

DROPPED INTO STILL WATERS...THE RIPPLE EFFECT

In a world of six billion people, it's easy to believe that the only way to initiate profound transformation is to take extreme action. Each of us, however, carries within us the capacity to change the world in small ways for better or worse. Everything we do and think affects the people in our lives, and their reactions in turn affect others. As the effect of a seemingly insignificant word passes from person to person, its impact grows and can become a source of great joy, inspiration, anxiety, or pain. Your thoughts and actions are like stones dropped into still waters, causing ripples to spread and expand as they move outward. The impact you have on the world is greater than you could ever imagine, and the choices you make can have far-reaching consequences. You can use the ripple effect to make a positive difference and spread waves of kindness that will wash over the world. Should the opportunity arise, the recipient of a good deed will likely feel compelled to do a good deed for someone else. Someone feeling the effects of negative energy will be more likely to pass on that negative energy. One act of charity, one thoughtful deed, or even one positive thought can pass from individual to individual, snowballing until it becomes a group movement or the ray of hope that saves someone's life. Every transformation, just like every ripple, has a point of origin. You must believe in your ability to be that point of origin if you want to use the ripples you create to spread goodness. Consider the effect of your thoughts and actions, and try to act graciously as much as possible. A smile directed at a stranger, a compliment given to a friend, an attitude of laughter, or a thoughtful gesture can send ripples that spread among your loved ones and associates, out into your community, and finally throughout the world. You have the power to touch the lives of everyone you come into contact with and everyone those people come into contact with. The momentum of your influence will grow as your ripples moves onward and outward. One of those ripples could become a tidal wave of love and kindness.

SIX DEGREES OF HOMOSEXUALITY

My friends and I were having a discussion that prompted my theory of 'SIX DEGREES OF HOMOSEXUALITY.' We were all sitting on the bed just talking, and for some reason we started talking about guys, not realizing that we all knew one guy in particular. However, a certain guy by the name of Dominique stood out to me and to my friends. Apparently he used his real name with me and some another with them, so imagine their shock when they realized that he is the same person and that he is GAY! I THOUGHT IT INTERESTING BECAUSE IT SEEMS THAT NO MATTER HOW WE THINK WE ARE MEETING A NEW FACE HE ISN’T SO NEW. Yes he is new to the person that don’t know him, but he ISN’T new to the game…The world is round and if we form a circle around it, the gay community would be hand in hand, fucking each other like there is no tomorrow. Now don’t get me wrong, the SOLE purpose of this entry is NOT to bash gay men for engaging in sexual encounters with each other, that would rather wrong of me…right? I am no saint, I have done my fair share of fucking and sucking, but I am not defined by what I do sexually. Sad to say most GAY men are. In their own primitive way I feel that these men believe that this is their attempt to bring the community closer gaining acceptance. Given this was the case, it is quite reasonable for us to understand the biological make up of what is called homosexuality. The bonding of men, with the natural desire to form a soulful union never seems to happen, its all about the getting off. Man, unlike the animal beasts that roamed the earth, was unique, in that God gave him free will. His free will allowed for him to experience the world through his sense of sight and sound allowing him to come to terms with the very idea of existing. Homosexual men live in a time of great challenge; this very existence would have urged him to continually search out the means of providing for himself and his community. Hence it’s inevitable that we all know each other? Are the orgies and hook-ups that occur in our community the only REAL connections that we can make? I endeavor not to do so. I want a life that about a connection that extends beyond what I can do sexually with another man. I want us to connect with each other and not just see a dick to suck or an ass to ride. Among the perils we are confronted with, our survival, our continual hunt for prey; wouldn’t it be better to stalk the beast and walk away rather than it becoming a matter of kill or be killed? We are very complex, so when GOD created the world and gave us as gift to the world he did so with love. Until society can nurture, love and give it freely to HOMOSEXUALS, the world shall always be at conflict with each other. The consequences arising from such atrocities will be making us victims of ourselves.

THE MIRRORING WORLD

We are like nature; nature is a mirror, inspiring and teaching us, deepening our sense of belonging in the world. Wherever you look, you can see that our patterns and the patterns of the natural world are the same. You can find this resonance in every form, from molecules to plants and animals and to planets. We live our lives according to the same principles as the trees, the mountains, the clouds, and the birds. We begin our lives in the womb, folded in on ourselves like the bud of a flower. We can see our whole lives in the mirror of this natural form. When we emerge from the womb, we slowly begin our unfolding, just as the flower begins to open its petals. At its prime, the flower draws many insects to it and also the eyes of appreciative humans. When the flower's petals begin to fade and its life cycle comes to an end, it ceases to hold itself upright and returns to the earth. Traditionally, we return to the earth, just as all plants and animals do. Like flowers, we leave behind seeds in the forms of children and other gifts only we could have given. They continue to unfold even after we are gone. Rebirth is encoded into our lives, and death is just one part of the cycle. Look around you, and you will find connection and insight. Notice how your moods shift from one to another like the sky shifts from bright blue to turbulent grays. Your thoughts are like clouds, appearing, changing shape, passing through, and then disappearing without a trace. The rain cleanses the sky, just as an emotional release cleanses your mind. The sky itself is your eternal awareness, unchanging underneath all these permutations. Let it reflect back to you your own abiding perfection. As you walk through the world, find your own metaphors for connectedness in nature. Flesh them out fully and follow them as they lead you through the mystery and intelligence of life.

WORKING WAY...BEING HAPPY WITH YOUR JOB

In our search to define ourselves, we often look to our job to show us our worth. Society does not judge all professions equally, however, and it is not uncommon for the individuals who hold what others may consider to be ordinary or menial jobs to feel that they themselves are ordinary or menial. Yet, in truth, many wonderful and wise people throughout history have held what have typically been perceived as ordinary jobs, and this in no way has had any bearing on whether or not they have managed to contribute their skills and talents to the world. Whether you work in business, education, medicine, retail, or another profession, you worth is inherent to who you are and not what you do for a living. A job that you enjoy, lets you meet your needs, and allow you to live in accordance with your values will always be more gratifying than a high-status job that you dislike. But while experiencing professional satisfaction can be a vital part of being fulfilled by your work, it is important to remember that it is possible to find happiness in any job. This is because what you do is often less important than how you do it. Your attitude and intention can turn a mediocre job into work that fulfills you because of the way that you approach it. If you do your job well and what you do benefits others, then you are doing work that is making this world a better place. If you are happy in your current line of work and feel that it allows you to be yourself and live authentically while meeting your emotional and physical needs and allowing time for you to enjoy the fruits of your labor, then you have found a job that adds value to your life. If you are a waitress, then be the best waitress you can, take pride in your work and others will notice your passion. You can contribute your talents and skills to this world while doing any job. It is not the kind of work you do that allows you to be of service. It is you who must choose to be of service through the work that you do.